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Okay, you've probably gotten several comments exclaiming this.

You make me laugh. On your web page(and you do this exact thing that I'm about to rant about on your web page), you say you're a gifted writer. I agree the plentiful of that.

But when you don't go back to see if things even make sense, like sentences, that makes people laugh and shows you really have no gift.
For example.
“FATHER! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? HE IS YOUR SON AND HIS NAME IS ZUKO! I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU THINK HE A TARTIOR WHEN HE BEEN THE MOST LOALY TO THE FIRE NATION. AND THIS WHOLE CONCEPT OF HONOR IS STUPID BEYOND HELL! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PUT HIM ON AN ABSURD QUEST TO FIND SOME ONE WHO NO LONGER ALIVE! I WANT MY BROTHER FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND YOU SAID YOU GIVE ME ANYTHING I WANT THAT WHAT I WANT. GOOD NIGHT!”


This made me laugh. Very hard. Do you not see how bad this sentence is? HORRIBLE!

Now I only criticize your editing skills, but any "gifted" writer knows to go back and make sure things make sense, are edited, and have good pronunciation.
I like how you write things, but not how you do them. Please make corrections, it helps greatly.

hm is zara your OC or is she azula and you just changed her name,?

Just like to say hello, I'm a first time reviewer. I like your story, I can't wait to finish it. But I have some advise to give you first.

While I have read only 8 chapters of your story, I have a lot of critiques to give you. First, the most obvious thing: The Spelling. You may have partial dyslexia, but in an age of spell checks, that is no excuse for the errors. Some of your chapter titles are even misspelled (For example, 'leath' instead of 'lethal').

You also have some vocabulary issues. You can use long, showy words in the prose you write as much as you want, but sometimes it sounds like you just wrote normally and took out a thesaurus! This becomes especially apparent in your dialogue. What 12-year-old girl would say "How many times do I have to enlighten you" or "I must unearth him"? How do you fathom that Aang would describe Zara to Roku as having "Lengthy crimson tresses and ocher eyes." The boat chef that uses the phrases "messed up" and "astringent" in the same dialogue made me laugh. There are many more example, but I'll leave it at that. You don't need to use the most complex word to make a good story.

That brings me to the characters. Not only are their names rather inaccurate for the Avatar Universe (Luke and Callista are western names, most of the avatarverse names are eastern. I'm not suggesting you go to a Japanese translation website and name the characters "Beautiful Jade Lotus" or something, but Remus and Romulus? You can do better!), they also have extremely unusual feature for the universe (Do you see anybody with blonde or "Platinum" hair in avatar?). Some of them also act unusually. Especially Zara. She appears to be a pedestal for all of your beliefs! All of her ALL CAPS shouting matches seem to be only your views on the subject. Her past sounds interesting, as does her crystal hand. Why don't you elaborate on it? Zalika sounds like Christ reborn, but since she's dead I'll let that slide. The cannon characters are off-kilter, too! Sokka is not just an ignorant bottomless pit. Zara yelled that he hadn't been "too hell and back", but the truth is, his life was no picnic either! Katara and Sokka sound like they hate the Fire Nation for no reason, try adding some tidbits about their history and the raid.

I also have a hard time believing Ozai would punish his son while letting the man who burned his little girl (or, to him, Future Telling Machine) scot-free. I'm sure Ozai would at the least demote the man. And getting back to Zara, could you explain more about the clairvoyance? We only got the small sidebar by Avatar Roku. Is it granted by the spirits, or is it genetic?

I also have some minor nitpicks, like the timing. You describe things in elaborate detail, but in chapter 8, you go from peaceful bliss to 'Save my brother, avatar' and 'Pained clairvoyant Zara' in two paragraphs! It was rather confusing.

However, you do have a good grasp on grammar mechanics and the show not tell rule. You have good spacing as well, so it's not painful to read like the 'Text blocks of Doom'. In conclusion, I will keep reading, and hopefully be surprised by the "Red Spirit" chapter. Happy Writing!

PS, I am only anonymous because I don't have an account here, if I did I would use it.

Your description is good but someone I find it hard to believe that Zara is only 12. She seems a lot older. Try at keep her in her age. Also your writing is a bit choppy and sometimes I lost track of what was happening.

Okay, I read he whole thing, and I have some constructive critisisam. =)

I think you kinda overdid it on the prose. XDD But you did follow the 'show not tell' rule, which was good.

The names were kinda funny... o.O

And you overdid the caps on some stuff.

Also, please use spell check. ^^;;

'Taritor'...?

Okay. =)

That's pretty much all, you'll get better! =D

~LB

That was really good Kelsey, I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.

Now THAT was a great ending. You're getting better at this writing stuff. Personally I think you're already a step above your sister. Because you accept critism to your stories, I remember once when I gave your sister some critism she yelled at me! But you, you actually take in, looking for ways to improve your stories. You are climbing a latter of writing skills and as I said before, you are already a step above your sister.

You know you would be great at writing a medevil fic. Maybe you could do something about King Arthur some time.

Very nicely put together. You can always e-mail me if you need help.

Very nice and very touching

i think you might want to look over the grammar in this. for one sentence you used "eyeballs in her hand" that doesn't make sense.

I absolutely love ur stories. could u do a WinxClub/Teen Titans crossover? And make BB attend Red Fountain? I can't think of anyone who could do a story like that better than you. please? please? please?