   evilteddybear
2007-05-19 . chapter 1Well it was good, and also not good. After how much I liked Broken Pieces I may have too high standards for your work. I'll try for some constructive criticism anyway. If worse comes to worse you can simply ignore it. My opinion is after all, only an opinion, from a biased perspective.
You showed your usual flare for the great expression of emotion through (what are they called? similes?), and translating them into action to keep them interesting. At least for the most part.
I had trouble paying attention to, comprehending, the paragraphs of descriptive narrative. Theses facts were not as clearly expressed the in action, or reaction of the characters. They were also not expressed in flashbacks, but I really have very little idea what the proper use of flashbacks may be. >.>; Just an idle observation. I had thought that might be impractical considering the lack of history from the modern half of the story, and that it might confuse the readers and dilute the clear distinction from the past and present connected story lines. (Or I may be going totally in the wrong direction with this. >.>; Tends to happen when I can't read your mind.)
Though it's a little overused, I'm very impressed with how you managed to pull of originality with the high school plot. You conveyed the reality of the immaturity of high school students, without completely changing Kenshin's personality. In similar stories he's often been changed into an angsty rebel or a popular jerk, whatever the author's fantasy guy happens to be. The idiot high school boy made me laugh, so typical, so true. You also avoided using a lot of popular slang...I don't know what other authors' intentions may be when using excessive amounts of slang, but it annoys me to no end. Again, completely my personal opinions.
The past scene I loved the interaction between Kaoru and Kenshin, their relationship, (as usual.) Kenshin's reaction after her death was good as well. The problem I had with it was that it seemed, in my opinion, to be really cheesy. That could have been the effect you wanted. In which case ignore me. The impression I got was of a cliche pure and pristine princess, and her heroic, forever devoted commoner. They were in a big stone castle with knights, serving wenches, balls, pointy princess hats, etc... All pretty much the basic fairy tale template. About the time you got to the scene with Kenshin's master I realized that this was probably all set in Japan, which is rather different. I'm saying you might want to try to add a twist, something original to grab the attention, preferably somewhere near the beginning. Maybe even just an interesting Japanese cultural fact or inconsistency. And Kaoru...besides in her interaction with Kenshin had a very annoying first impression as Little Miss Perfect. o.O *twitch*
So yes, I've developed far too high standards after Broken Pieces. Ignore me if you want. Listen to me if not. The expert here is definitely you, not me. AH! I forgot the most important part! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! for all the effort, emotion, and time you spent creating this story. I really appreciate it and you can be sure if you write more I will read it, criticism or no. ;) |
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