lovely story. though by the publishing date, i would assume you discontinued it. ):

That's not a story; that's an insurmountable wall of text.

I haven't read it yet, but after skimming through it, I could see that some chapters are awfully short. One short paragraph (or two) does not make a chapter. There are only a few exceptions to this, such as to the book "The Innkeeper's song." There was like one chapter in there, that was just one paragraph long. However, considering the fact that the story changed between POV's for every chapter, and since that one chapter just wanted to show what the fox was thinking, then that doesn't count (especially since the chapters varied in length). This story doesn't appear to do that.

But that is not the only problem this story suffers through. Everything is all squished together into a huge wall of words. It doesn't look very sophisticated; it only makes it hard to read.

Also, as a word of advice, when writing dialogue, you should start a new paragraph when a different person speaks. You don't do that, and it makes it all the more confusing for some readers to determine who is saying what. Again, in the "Innkeeper's song," the author didn't always do this. However, the author wrote it in a way so that we knew and could easily determine who spoke. Also, he had a number of paragraphs, so it wasn't all just squished together and hard to read and determine the speaker.

I'm sorry if I sounded mean, but I am just stating the cold-hard truth. As a writer, one is entitled to listen to the other's opinions and see what they can improve one. I am merely helping you. If you choose to ignore my advice, then so be it. I truly wished to read this story because it seemed so interesting. However, I couldn't get through the first chapter. If it was just screwing with your paragraphs and whatnot, then you are excused. But if it's not, then I advise you to get an editor.

I really wish i could say this is a great story but i really can't get past the painful formatting in the first chapter. o

um... next time could you put more space between the lines, t is sortof hard to read as one huge block of text.

like it so far.

ash892

that was very good. i loved it. i can't wait until you update again. and why is ed teaching roy soul transmutation?_? other than that i just can't wait until you update. please keep writing. _

Exquisite angsted,poisoned tale searching RoyEd aftermath...Please reconsider NEW YEAR 2006¡

Jenn, you'd better update this or I'll knock your fucking block off.

/80's threat!

update, or bad things will happen! hahahaha...haha! *runs away*

Please update this story.

AAH! u havnt updated in over a month! its not over is it? if its not, PLEAZ update!

Hm.. I'm sorry but I have to say that in some parts I was confused. Didn't you say that Ed didn't want Ed to reveal the fact that he was alive until he found a way to restore Al's memories? I just got extremely confused then... but other than that I really liked the story and I believe that the characters are very in-character. By the way... is Riza dead? And what happened to the other people who were in Roy's unit in the series? Anyways, i hope you decide to add more chapters soon :)

that was a thrilling experience and kicked ass beyond reason *_* also, the fact that this chapter was lengthy was a nice surprise as i was reading the story obsessively with increasing sadness, thinking that not much more there was until it'd be finished, but! there shall come more chapters as i see. pacing is p-e-r-f-e-c-t, not to mention the shmexy spice sprinkled about. _

you cannot register the amount of unrestrained ecstacy i exploded with when i noticed this fic! you had easily become one of my favorite fanfic writers ever, since i've read Children, but this is even more promising, given its multiple chapters love the way you showed roy's world without decorations and ideal situations of a dream world.

on to the next chapter i go.