   Corisu Li
2005-07-18 . chapter 1First off - since you're a Kouga fan, I would advise you NOT to read 'One Month'. v.v I'm going to delete that, anyway; it's full of awfulness.
On to your fic, though - and time for some constructive criticism. I have to say, first off, that I wouldn't have given this fic a second glance if you hadn't asked me to review it (I don't mean that to sound mean.). It's great that you're trying, but I just want to give you a few pointers to help you improve.
One: Don't EVER say that you suck at summaries in your summary. People will assume that you suck at writing, too. Just do the best you can with it. A tip for writing summaries, though - don't ever use netspeak (lol, plz, etc.) in your summaries. Also, never say 'read and review', because that just puts people off.
Two: Most people (and by most, I mean 9 out of 10) won't read this fic anyway. Why? Because it features a romance between an original character and a canon character. Your character pretty much qualifies as a Mary-Sue, simply because she has the 'tortured past', or whatever, and lots of people DO NOT like to read fics in which Inuyasha characters hook up with people that authors create. Especially not people from America. Try, for a few fics at least, not to use original characters, and try to stay in the original IY setting. AU fics are also frowned upon, unless you've already established yourself as a good writer.
Okay, it's time for specific concrit now. Quotes from your fic are in double parentheses ((words)):
((A/N: This is a sad story. Don’t read it if your emotional. It’s kinda gory and has language and some lime. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Creepy music plays On with the fic! BWAHHAHAHAHA! Cough, choke, gag…))
Wow. You REALLY don't need this. *cringes* Okay, first off, it's "Don't read it if you're emotional. 'You're' is a contraction of 'you are'. 'Your' is a possessive, like 'your book' and 'your cat'. Also, you don't need to warn for lime, since explicit things aren't allowed on this site anyway. Oh, and the 'evil laughter until you choke' thing has been done. Over and over and over and over (maybe by me once o.O). You DON'T need to be funny in your ANs to attract people.
((Beginning of the end))
HUH?! This just makes no sense, sorry. The FIRST chapter being named this just seems out of place, sort of like you're trying to be WAY too deep.
((She lied there in her own pool of blood,))
She lay. 'Lay' is the past tense of 'to lay'. 'Lay' and 'Lie' are iffy verbs that even I don't like. It might be better if you didn't use them.
That whole first scene was VERY silly, to me. First off, she was lying in a pool of her own blood, but she didn't even feel any pain? She couldn't feel the stickiness of the blood against her clothes? I respect that you're trying to be mysterious, but it's pretty obvious that one of these people is whoever your OC is (too lazy to look for the name). You really need to use a LOT more descriptions, because if this scene was important (which I have to doubt) it's FAR too short.
((The girl thought. ‘Oh well…’ Sirens could now be heard, but it was to late.))
*stare* Would you really think 'Oh well' when you were about to die? Oh, and it's 'too late'. 'To' is used when you say 'I'm going to the store' or 'give this to Maria'. Too is used when you say 'that's too much money' or 'too many people were at the party'.
((X Five week’s earlier x))
*winces at the violent time jump* You really want to avoid doing this as much as possible. Jumping five weeks in a story with one line isn't too wise. The scene at the beginning, in my opinion, was an attempt to make readers go 'OOH, Mystery!'. Sorry to say that it really didn't work. It's just sort of pathetic and amateurish. (Remember that I'm just trying to be helpful - this is NOT a flame.) Oh, and it's 'weeks'. The 's makes things possessive.
((The door slide open ))
'Slid'.
((and a girl with long black hair down to her waist, and eyes as brown as chocolate walked in.))
Nononononono. Mary-Sue alert! *sirens go off* 'As brown as chocolate'? *fume* Cliche, and rather silly. Try revealing her appearance piece by piece as you develop her, rather than dumping it all on us at once. Speaking of which, that's not even all that you need to describe. Since it's her first day at school, is she wearing a uniform or casual clothes. Does she look nice or mean?
((“Class, this is Katori.” The teacher put a hand on Katori’s shoulder. “She’s an exchange student from America. Katori would you like to say a few things?”))
So, the teacher wouldn't say her last name, huh? And, it should be 'Katori, would...'. Use a comma to separate the name from the rest of the sentence.
((“Hey! Are the babes truly sexy in the U.S? ‘Cause your not a very good example!”))
You REALLY don't need that. Not only is it a completely out of character (ooc) comment for Kouga, but it doesn't even run together very well. Who uses 'truly' and 'babes' in the same sentence?! Oh, and it's 'you're', not 'your'. Again.
((“You may continue.” The Teacher said.))
Don't capitalize 'teacher'.
((“Thank you. I come from Michigan. I wouldn’t now if the girls were hot, but according to my brother they are.” The class laughed.))
I wouldn't have laughed. That wasn't really funny. I figure you're trying to make it so that Katori (right?) is seen as an instant hit with the Japanese. Speaking of which, why is a girl named 'Katori' from Michigan? And why aren't the others thinking 'What the heck is a foreigner doing here?' Yes, they would think of her as a foreigner, not as one of them.
((“I came to Japan to learn more about your culture.))
*blink* No. That makes no sense. Get a better reason, please. And how does she know Japanese?
((She looked over at Kouga and smiled,))
She shouldn't do that. It makes no sense. She SHOULD be bitter at him. It makes it sort of painfully obvious that there's going to be a romance... and not in a good way.
((Now lets see, were should I put you?” The teacher referred to a chart and with out ))
It's 'let's'. A contraction for 'let us'. 'Lets' is more like 'Mom lets us jump on the bed'. And it's 'without'. One word.
((“Sit behind Ayame. We’ll put you there for now.” (A/N: Did I spell her name write?)
Yes, you did. BUT PLEASE DON'T PUT ANs IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR STORY! I know that I did it early on, but I was stupid. v.v It really takes away from the story. And it's 'right', not 'write'. 'Right' means correctly. 'Write' is what you do with a story.
((“Hey sorry about Kouga. He’s not always dick. His girlfriend, Kagome, just left him for a ** guy named Inuyasha. I don’t know what she sees in him. His last girlfriend died, its rumored that he was the one that killed her, but it was never proven.”))
WTF? Why would Ayame tell her all this? Why would Ayame curse so much in school? *tears hair* It just does NOT make sense that Ayame would say all this to her. I can see it happening LATER, if the two became friends and Katori was brooding about Kouga and asked Ayame about him... but not in the first sentence she says to the girl.
((“Yes sir!” Ayame straitened up, but as soon as his back was turned so was she.))
'Straightened'. 'So was hers'.
((“Anyways, its to bad you had to see Kougas bad side.))
'Kouga's'. An 's means possession, remember?
((leaving Katori very confused.))
What is there to be confused about? Maybe she didn't understand the Japanese.
Don't don't don't don't don't say that you have writer's block on the first chapter. Just don't. It's silly. You wrote all of - what? One page? - and you have writer's block already? People won't bother to keep up with your fic then, because they'll figure that you'll never finish it.
Also, don't ask people what you should do with YOUR fic. It's YOURS. Write it YOUR way.
Arg. This took longer than I thought it would. Suffice it to say that there's no way that this fic will possibly be successful. Remember that I'm not being mean, I'm just telling the truth and hoping that my words will help you some. Good luck!
-Corisu |
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