It didn't suck, trust me.

I thought it was rather good. *g*

Listen up, Freddie.

Your story? Eh. It could be better in terms of plot and all that. What I really want to talk to you about is your characterization and tone. I don't know how old you are but I'm going to guess either late-middle school to very early high school. Your writing is juvenile. That's not a bad thing if, as I'm hoping, you actually are a hormonally-imbalanced and perpetually self-absorbed teenager. If you're not, if you're older than that, well, then you have a serious problem.

Here's the thing. The dialogue, both internal and external, of your characters is terrifyingly simple. Grissom's internal thoughts sound like a child who has been denied his favorite toy and Sara? Let's not even get started on Sara. These are grown-ups. And not only that, they're both highly intelligent, willingly introverted, vulnerable and complex grown-ups.

Don't make them sound like they're children.

What do you need to do? Grow up a little. Take some time to explore the world of mature adults. Maybe then you'll be ready to write fiction that is appropriate to the characters you are using.

You're welcome!

^^ Congrats :P

(talk to u soon ªª)

Good job :)

I absolutely loved this fic! I laughed so hard at the potato comment! And the flying! Precious! I can't compete on this challenge ;-) I'll upload my response in an hour or so... Lynn