 MiakachanSD 2005-07-13 . chapter 1...
I'm going to be as constructive as I can get.
1) This --"?"-- is a question mark. It comes at the end of a question. Learn to utilize it.
2) Commas should be inserted between the last word in your quotation and the quotation mark, unless there is a question mark or exclamation point.
For example:
“Didn’t your order just get defeated by the Crimson Knights, I say you’re the one that is a joke,” said Kaiba.
“You are a joke and you are not even half the man Noa was,” said Kaiba.
3) There is absolutely NO direction in this story. Characters are brought in indiscriminately, and it's impossible to tell whether they're even in the same room or not. You should have given a synopsis of the anime/videogame characters you were bringing in before you even began the story.
4) Story breaks should be inserted when the scene and/or topic changes. You start out with Cloud and Aeris, move on to Mokuba and a fox girl, then go to Kain and Kaiba before you get to a story break. Are all these people in the same room doing these things one after the other? All at the same time? It's impossible to decipher that.
5) The characters are OOC. Period.
6) Who the hell are Sailor Senna and Sailor Touran, and why are they here? Get rid of them, please.
All in all, this story looks like ten different five year olds came together and wrote it. You have a long way to go in the fanfiction world. |