This is the most passionate fan-fic I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE! You are amazing. Really amazing. To be able to capture so perfectly the mood and feelings of the characters is a great gift. Write more!

Here's another compliment for you. Nice little songfic. I like your writing, no wodner my friend likes you. Keep up the great work.

Very nice. Good choice of song too. I found it sweet and a tad sad.

Nice idea. The song really does fit.
Just a few little critiques.
One: Watch out for comma splices. Here's an example:
"Yukina glanced up, she though she heard something. After about half a minute, she saw a large flock of birds fly overhead, she smiled and watched as it flew off."
Try using some conjunctions, or splitting these up into separate sentences.
Also, try varying your sentence structure a bit (you start most of your sentences with "Hiei," "She," and "Yukina"). I know it's hard to remember to do, but it can help to make your fanfic more interesting.
I hope I didn't seem too critical. I really did like this fic. ^_^ Keep up the good work.

Awesome hurry add more now now thanks Jessica