Will roxas come in to this story at any time?

WHERE IS ROXAS?!

LOL! WTH? *wipes tear from her eye*

"Meanwhile, Riku as pushing a dessert cart.

"Must kill Sora...WHE!" said Riku as he put both of his feet on the cart. "Must kill Sora...WHE!""

-snip-

"Hurky then burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Riku.

"You're wearing a hula skirt!" laughed Hurky.

Riku blushed and magically got his regular clothes on him.

"How does he do that?" asked Kairi.

"It's a unique technique." said Riku. "Only people who were possessed by darkness can do that!"

Everyone rolled their eyes..."

And wth is with this?

"Axel (Sora's voice, impersonating Axel): Hey, Ansem, wanna go destroy the worlds?

Ansem (Riku's voice, impersonating Ansem): Sure, Axel!

Axel: Well forget it!

Ansem: I'm an evil guy, my voice is anoying. Sad I have it. I should gag me, Tan skin everywhere, unwanted gray hair. I'm a relation to Oarah Bon Sorton!

Axel: You're so stupid, you make me sick-o

Ansem: I'm a mean, evil freak, all alone in these worlds, I'm as dumb as a brick, please don't blame me!

Axel: You're a heartless, out of whack, took control of Ri-ku, It's not my fault that you let Sora defeat you...

Ansem: Oh behave! I controlled Ri-ku! With Kairi, Sora's crazy! Woo hoo!

I'm an evil guy, my voice is annoyingg. Sad I have it, I should gag me, tan skin everywhere, unwanted gray hair. I'm a relation to Oarah Bon Sorton!

Axel: You're not evil, you're a phony.

Ansem: Boo hoo hoo yeah!

Axel: You're so stupid you make me sick-o

Ansem: Woo-hoo, woo hoo!

Oh let me drown these worlds in darkness!

Sora: I'm sorry, but you're too damn evil!

Ansem: Oh, screw you Sora!"

*dies laughing*

LOL!

"My Riku senses are tingling!"

priceless...BUT RIKU IS MINE!

MINE, DAMMIT!

lol...Sephroth's retarded...

funny stuff, my friend...funny stuff...

lol!

""What was that?" asked Cloud.

"I don't know." said Riku. "But I'll use this sock puppet as security!" he pulled out the sock puppet.

"AH!" screamed Sora as he turned and ran.

"Eh. It was nothing." said Riku. "Just the sound effects of the house.""

LOL! *singing* Sora's scared of a sock puppet, Sora's scared of a sock puppet...

Funny

Yeah its over, but funny when the trio hit the hall.

Wow that is bad Sora is a vampire, that is not happy chapter for them, but how they going to cure him!

Wow that is scary, I hope Sora is brave.

Any time I even see/read about that six flags dude I get that song that used to play on the commercials stuck in my head. It is a catchy tune though. :) Anyway, there was some good stuff in those last couple of chapters. Maybe I'll check out some more of your fics when I catch up on all my fanfic reading...I'm so behind.

you asked for some con-crit on Flame Risings forum, huh? :)

well, here goes:

get some more literary feeling. Dont EVER write "and stuff" because youre too lazy to do a proper description.

secondly, watch what youre writing; you say "Kairi asked a question", then he goes on to state a fact.

thirdly, avoid repetitions. You have "landed in a coma" twice in just a few sentences. be imaginative, "never woke up since", "passed out", "has been unconcious in the hospital" is not that hard to write...

'"That's crazy!" said Sora.

"Well I heard that a vampire in Hollow Bastion's wandering the worlds, biting people everywhere he goes." said Riku.

"Why are you guys so freaked out?" asked Sora.'

"This reads like a goddamn script fic!" yelled Taranea.

dont just have them talking, let some action accompany the sentences to get an atmosphere.

"Thats crazy!" Soras eyes widened in suprise as he stared at his friend.

"Well," replied Riku, a smug grin on his face as his expression became more sinister by the minute, "I heard that a vampire..."

add some description of the surroundings, like a sky clouding over or a turkey falling on someones head for no reason and youre settled.

then you have 'scared' like five times over...and some typos like "a ghosts".

plus, I find the sock joke not very funny, but random humour is just personal taste. make it a running gag or something and its better.

so as a main point: more description to catch the characters emotions and feelings. yes, i am aware that this is a humour fic but practicve here and do it right in a serious piece.

oh well, hope that helped:)

Me: XD Nice. I love how you did Ryu. PERFECT!

Riku: ... Weird house with ghosts... Song that gets on everyone's nerves, and BARNEY BANISHING! I LOVED IT! _

Me: lol. Great job!

aww! sadness! it's over! well, i REALLY enjoyed this story, it was HILARIOUS! LOL! well good job on this, it was awesome! im gonna miss it! bye bye!