Orochi-teme's about to get an a** whuppin'!

Why is Akamaru small?

1.“Don’t tell me that dope is still sleeping? I’m suppose to take you to the Raikage first thing in the morning…” err... i didn't know that drugs needed sleep. i think you mean 'dobe' as 'dope' is fairly illegeal.
and it's supposed instead of suppose, you need to keep your tenses consistant.

2."and with that thought he looked at the sun, which raised a little" it should be 'had raised a little' the look itself does not raise the sun.

3."His blush didn’t vanished" once again, tenses must agree. it's vanish not vanished

4."Tens of swords awaited those" avoid 'tens of' the way you use it it doesn't sound right. find another way to imply the numbers

5."we are not like the rest and as such, we should be allowed to walk beside them…” we should? shouldn't. 'shouldn't be allowed to walk beside them' would imply intolorence

6."You didn’t left another, empty spot like the time Orochimaru quit, did you?” tenses once again, its leave, not left.

7."The dreadlocks burst out laughing at hearing that" hair can't laugh. try 'the dreadlocked one'

7! a new record!

ja ne,

hello again!

1."To the Konoha shinobi surprise" this doesn't fit in well. you keep saying that the characters are surprised instead of giving the readers signs. never outright say anything. give your readers clues and let them figure out what's going on themselves. wide eyes, a glance toward the subject in question, jaws agape. even if they are experienced in combat, they probably haven't learned how to hide their emotions, except hinata since she's an heiress.

2."She giggles softly as she saw Akamaru get hit by the water drop and shook his body to get rid of it from his fur." this is a run-on sentence. split it up into individual thoughts.

3."Plants didn’t grew here and as Yugito announced" it's 'grow' not 'grew' and you could repleace 'didn't' with 'don't' to make it sound better.

4."Hinata, being a member of a noble and powerful clan, actually managed to recognize some of the face, earning from time to time a nod from Yugito" even if it's longer, i don't think its a run-on. however, it should be 'faces', not 'face'.

my grammer nazi would melt at this.

ja ne,

yay! only 3 (that i'd bother with)

1."Having no, other alternative" you don't need a camma after 'no'

2."The blonde’s eyes widen even more" it'd be 'widened' not 'widen'

3."I don't know what the Jinchuuriki did to you that you hate us so much," puntuation! after 'did to you' it should have a camma. and to prevent run-on sentances you should have a period instead of a camma after 'so much'. the grammical error that would create in the next sentance would be acceptable because people talk like that. even if it's inncorrect.

ja ne,

i'm back! with more errors!

1."noticed Hinata quietly." this would flow better if you put 'hinata' before 'noticed'. 'hinata noticed quietly'. also noticed is connected to thoughts, not spoken words. 'commented' or similar words might be good replacements. 'Hinata commented quietly'

2."replied Shino and then took a quick glare at Naruto" you seem to think that 'glare' is the same as 'look' a glare is a look that reveals negative feelings, most of the time hate. while it can be jokingly used. that should be done with caution, and only between close friends.

if this is not what you meant and they do have negative feelings toward him, have an apparent reason behind it. or have your characters wonder what the glare was for.

3."However I did meant what I said back then…” it should be 'mean' not 'meant'. your alternitive would be to remove 'did'. they can't both be in a sentence, it is too repeatitive.

4."he joked" you use 'joked' too much. it removes the hilarity from your jokes. there are other words that can work just as well.

5."responded the man."; maybe 'he responded' but what is there does not work.

ja ne,

umm...

there were so many grammical errors in this that i will jump straight to them.

1.“Your friends already cough Deidara" it's 'caught' not 'cough' you make this mistake again in the next paragraph

2."your body will be paralyzed until I won’t release you…" what's up with the 'won't'? this is perfectly fine without it, and it just confuses the meaning your trying to get across.

3."You stand no chances" ouch, try 'you don't stand a chance' or 'your chances are slim' you can even add a 'rather' right before 'slim' for 'your chances are rather slim' i know that these are used more often, but they don't give people seizures. definite benifit.

4."but her life in not threatened" 'is', 'IS', 'I' and then 'S', 'in' doesn't work in any context. execpt 'her life is not IN danger' and even then you need an 'is'

5."Deidara walked through the desert completely warned out"
'warned'? i think you mean 'worn'. 'warned' would mean that she has been notified of danger, and you's still have to adjust the sentence to fit that.

i have a Grammer Nazi and and i am not afriad to use it!

ja ne,

when you have the naruto clone trapped by the spikes, you use the word 'between' and only mentioned one spike. "between the spike" you should have used 'spikes' instead of 'spike'.

ja ne,

boring! my name is hinata but you should a wee bit more action thankys

O.O Naruto's a cross-dresser?! "He wore an orange and black dress" no seriously, this is a good story!

you have a really good story here and i think it'd be best to keep it away from either the manga or the anime (although mentioning past plots is ok) but since you already started on this storyline i suggest that naruto either defeats orochimaru
or captures kabuto and wipes the floor with orochimaru letting him only just get away with his life.

good, now just get hinata and naruto together already. it's killing me

btw diedara is a male. great story so far though

the akatsuki has one female. her name is konan and she has a shade of light blue hair. if u go to and look under naruto as an anime profile u should find her name in the list of characters.

This flashback was way to long. It adds liitle to the story itself and what was needed could easily be compressed. The fights were far to detailed for a recounting of a memory. Also all the out off the view of Kyouki should be removed. As a guide line: if you start a second page of a flash back it is to long.