Reviews for Dark Dead End - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: Dark Dead End

RomanceRyject 2007-07-02 ch 3,	abuseplease continue!
San child of the wolves 2006-06-15 ch 3,	abusethat was good and funny I like Moordryd as an older brother.
Ghost4420 2006-02-04 ch 3,	abuseI really like this story please make a chapter more ^_^
Neo Scarf 2006-01-24 ch 3,	abuseGotta say...Moordryd would make a good big brother, and, is it just more or does Decepshun seems to be sort of like a protective mother to Fracshun?
Blue-Inked Frost 2005-10-29 ch 3,	abuseInteresting fic, yay for plot. The pit sounds like very interesting scenery, too. Just tone down the exclamation marks, start a new paragraph every time someone speaks, and use semicolons. For example: The dog was green, he was barking furiously. (Comma splice: bad.) The dog was green, and he was barking furiously. (A conjunction joins the two sentences, making it grammatically correct.) The dog was green; he was barking furiously. (Semicolon--also correct.)
Xin Fyrrae 2005-10-16 ch 2,	abuseHey, not bad. A few grammatical errors, typos, the common stuff, but I'm not going to bother pointing them out. You kept the characters quite canon, with a few bits here and there. When using dialogue, I'd separate it; makes it less confusing. For example, somewhere in Part 1 and the beginning of Part 2: - - - “Um, you forgot to change it for daylight savings time!” Lance said, holding up his own watch. Moordryd glared at Cain, “You idiot! We need to get out of here-” The doors suddenly slammed shut. “Now,” finished Moordryd, “Great job Cain, we’re trapped in here for seventy-two hours!” - - - “So, what are you two doing again?” Lance asked. Moordryd and Cain were doing something with the gear, while Lance and the dragons watched. Cain turned around, “We’re trying to find a way to get our vidd-coms to link to the outside mini brat, so make yourself useful and give me that Dragon Star Gear! We’d need the wires!” - - - Instead of doing this, separate it into different dialogue lines so it's less confusing. - - - “So, what are you two doing again?” Lance asked. Moordryd and Cain were doing something with the gear, while Lance and the dragons watched. Cain turned around, “We’re trying to find a way to get our vidd-coms to link to the outside mini brat, so make yourself useful and give me that Dragon Star Gear! We’d need the wires!” - - - When doing that with dialogue (Cain turned around, "We're...!"), it seems better to end it off with a period. (e.g. Cain turned around. "We're...!") If necessary, even add a fragment at the end. (e.g. Cain turned around. "We're...!" he snapped.) Also, some of your non-dialogue scenes seemed a bit squished. Try separating them out to make it easier to read. For the little humorous part in Part 1, it would've been more humorous if you'd have spaced Moordryd's line and removed the comma after "Moordryd finished": - - - “Um, you forgot to change it for daylight savings time!” Lance said, holding up his own watch. Moordryd glared at Cain, “You idiot! We need to get out of here-” The doors suddenly slammed shut. “Now,” finished Moordryd. “Great job Cain, we’re trapped in here for seventy-two hours!” - - - All in all, not bad, not bad at all. The maze sounds interesting, the ideas are interesting, the Xenox seems a bit "Huh?" at first, but then again a bonemark doesn't sound bad. (Special tidbit: It's not Dragon Booster, but in a different fandom which also involves dragons, the person who voices Word Paynn voices the villain in this movie, and that villain's name is Xenox! (Well, more or less how it's spelled, not how it's pronounced...) A complete ironic coincidence, no?) Canon Moordryd would probably refer more to Lance as "stable brat" than "kid" or "mini brat", and probably "Penn" as well. I'm still waiting for it to happen in the show when Moordryd will actually say Lance's name. ;) And Vizz! You added Vizz! :o I'm impressed! You used a crewmember that wasn't even shown in the show yet! Good job with that.

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