HAAHAHA I LOVE IT!

Ive read it so many times.. And its so hott.. WE, sexy dreams about me and Shugo tonight.. :] I love you. I love you for writing this. You are AMAZING. X3 GOD I LOVE SHUGO AND HIS HOTT SEXINESS! :]

Hawt. This is one of the best stories I've read thus far on the .hack circuit. The fact that it's a one-shot, and I like one-shots, helps too.

One thing I noticed: some people write blandly, formulaically. You don't -- you get into the characters, you say what they're thinking. You give 'em life! You put us in their shoes, following their every action and sympathizing with every difficulty and laughing at every irony. In short, baby, you got *style*. Kudos.

Strictly speaking, I'm not a big fan of original character fics, but you've written ALMOST well enough for me to ignore that. I see two major problems that you really need to fix. And they won't be easy, either.

1. First and foremost rule of original characters: use them for "fics with OCs". Not "OC fics", if you catch my meaning. This story is ALL about Anissa. The very qualities that make her so attractive combine to form an exceedingly unattractive one. She is a quintessential Mary Sue. She's funny, smart, beautiful, sexy, blah blah blah blah blah. Nobody wants to read about a perfect character whose way things always go. It draws attention away from the main focus, which should be Shugo. You might as well have made it a self-insertion fic. NEVER allow an OC to overshadow the canon characters unless it's a story element. (I don't mind so much that she's acting like a bit of a trollop -- we might just have caught her at a bad time, you see.)

2. Clicking the Back button for a second, is this the Anissa section? No, it's the .hack section. This story has absolutely nothing to do with the .hack universe. The only reference is the name of the secondary character, and even that is miniscule -- you created a brand-new character from scratch and gave him somebody else's name. And best of all, nobody would know the difference because in a one-shot, there's no room for subtle character development. There are things we know about Shugo, so mention one or two of them to us, to let us know that you are indeed talking about the Shugo we're thinking of. If that makes sense, anyway.

Finally, a nitpick. Tiny compared to the three points. Anissa is blonde and blue-eyed -- obviously American or English or Swedish or something. So what's she doing in Japan?

Keep writing these. I want to see how you use that style of yours to improve these characters. Ironically, it seems the only ones you haven't been able to bring to life are your own.