Fantastic story. It's good to know that there ARE RMZ stories out there, especially well-rounded, well-written ones.
Your characterization is wonderful. All of the characters, both canon and original, are well-rounded and believable. I especially like how you gave them interesting little quirks, such as Harpuia's baking hobby. The Translation Project is a really unique and interesting idea, and I love how you take your readers through its impact on the characters and the plot.
You're a great writer, Aria. I hope to see more of your work!
...I wish I had found this sooner. The plot, as well as your OCs are well thought out. Your characterization is good too. In short, a very nice piece of work.
A very nice wrap up there. There were few typos- rare for your stuff, but I know what a hurry you were in. You set this up nicely; if you ever decided to, you could write a very nice sequel, but it's not necessary to the story, either. Nice and open-ended- and I know you had other ideas you'd talked about that didn't make it in here. Great writing, and great characterization. I'm kinda sad it's over, in a way, but then, I feel that way every time I finish a good book, too. Never stop writing; you're too good at it for that.
very good story. Serios not intierly happy but not disepoiting eather. Nice tuch at the end with the fine art and delicasy taest as Wiel's room and the prospect of there being more and as eqaly interesting storys to cum. I'd try to advise sum iproovments but I just can't think of enny. Thanks for righting this great story and I hope to more of your righting. Till then, happy holedays!
Bravo, bravo, you rock as always. Heck, for a minute there, with the slime ball in the sewers, I had a sudden flashback to Parasite Eve... The chapter was great. I love excitement. _ Especially when it's this well-written. And yet again, Muffy proves that she is an awesome character. Cucumber salad... that really DOES sound good! XD I liked the idea of the sonic cannon, too. Aw, heck, I just liked the whole thing. Sorry it took me a little while to review, but here it is, as promised! I can't wait to see what happens next. I know you're much busier now, but keep up the great work. It doesn't go unappreciated.
Just like Fefnir's unit, eh? "I LOVE YOU, FEFNIR!"
Fefnir: I have a gun pointing at your head and I'm not afraid to fire...
*Sighs.* So cheerful, Feffy-Kun. Anyway, you know me, I love the battles- I hope there's more of this one next chapter. I do wonder, though... I still can't see how Harpuia came to the right conclusion about the gel. I can see him going there to make sure that the gel wasn't reanimating the bodies... but how would he have really figured out that it came from them? I dunno... I think that may be stretching it a little bit. *Shrugs.* Maybe it's just me. Anyway, it was still a gripping chapter, exciting and interesting (and funny! XD) and I really can't wait for the next.
Great work, as usual! I do have one (humorous) error to point out, though.
She was of medium high and slender build, with long, thick black, green eyes, and strangely full-chested.
Hm. What's wrong with that line? *Laughs.* But don't worry. It happens to the best of us. You know, it amuses me that Leviathan hates the cold. Hey, I'm glad you're not being cliché, at least, lol. Well, you’ve seriously got me hooked, anyway. This is such an interesting plot; I find myself wondering what it is that Harpuia has found out (and doesn’t realize he’s found out.) I don’t know how on earth you can keep up this kind of work so fast, but I’m always happy to read it.
exselent, nuthing like good jokes, seriosnes, romans, and so on in good balens to make you regret that not only will it end sumday but you have to wait for the next chapter! Grait job so fare, it makes me laf, makes me think, I feel down when subody dies, and I smiel at the thaght of cuples. I have no advice to give exsept, ceep on doing what your doing cause its doing a grait job!
This is, as others have noted, a very good story. The characterization is very good and the plot is intriguing. You have some excellent ideas. There are also a lot of little details that I appreciate, the idea of 'reploid biochemistry', Stray throwing a brick at Harpuia's head. Even the idea of a murder/suicide case as a plot for an MMZ Shitennou story is refreshing. You seem to have a grounding in the idea of 'the common people', and it seems to be giving this story a good edge of realism.
However, I noticed two problems.
Firstly,I have issues with the plot logic. Harpuia seems to make logical leaps that come out of nowhere, but nontheless steer him directly to a deeper truth about the central mystery of the story. (I had concrete examples here, but edited them out to avoid spoiling new readers.) His 'guesses' are too dead accurate, it doesn't seem realistic to me.
I would suspect that you're struggling with the means of moving the character through the mystery, but this is too easy and too unrealistic. I'd really encourage you to let the character struggle more in making sense of what's going on. Please don't be discouraged by me picking the nit, either. Mystery is a really difficult plot to write, and it's HARD to drop the clues just right. My point is just that you're lessening suspense by 'guiding' the character to the correct conclusions too quickly.
Secondly, exposition. This is just me being a curmudgeon, but I'm noticing that you interject a lot of explanations- 'Padrick knew that he wouldn't be trained immediately because of blah blah blah and blah.' Show don't tell. I know that it's easy to fall into this kind of exposition, but I'd make an effort to edit it out on proofreading. Padrick's awareness of scheduling pressures may not be a really key plot point, but I'm seeing the exposition crawl into things that *are.* And it's just heartbreaking to see a plot point telegraphed, 'told' rather then shown.
A digression of which ideas I think work and don't work would take an essay, so I'll just say that I like most of it, and I've noticed that you are writing the shitennou as adults rather then then young teenagers, which is much more common. I'm biased towards to former, to that alone is a point in the story's favor. MMZ's tiny fandom needs more writers like you, so please keep going.
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