All right, I'll give you my honest opinion. This is not up to the standard of your other stories, Grow Up and Never Leave. There is a big lapse in punctuation (Commas, Angel-chan. Remember them).

Now, personally, the plot about the village is relatively good, and I think that you could do a lot with it. HOWEVER, I do not expecially like how you are handling the Zonkai/Sanzo situation, which is what I am guess this is all leading up to. I do think that you have it in you to write a pretty good story about them (I saw good writing in Never Leave, so I know that you can do that), but I just don't think that this one is working out.

Also...about your parts in script format...that is fine, as long as there is much less of it than actual story. My personal opinion is that if you want to write humor, don't put it in this particular story. It detracts from the rest of what is going on.

I would suggest going back and reworking much of this, and be VERY careful how you go about this romance. Also, I would suggest finding someone to beta your word, which will help you if you forget to use commas and other bits of punctuation.

I am sorry if this comes out sounding harsh...I just know that you can do better. I've seen you write some pretty good pieces. This one, however, needs much more work.

On another note, did you finish/abandon Grow Up? Because I did like the direction that one was going.

Anyway, I hope you take what I said into consideration.

Raven