  Cookie Monster's Crystal Ball
2005-11-29 . chapter 7 Hello, glad to see you’ve updated. I’m reviewing again because even though I read your story the first time around, I didn’t have time for a more detailed review or look at your story.
After having reread it, I still think it’s good, with enough potential to be a great read. There were a couple things, however, that I noticed while rereading it:
1.) There are a few sentences throughout the story that are incomplete. One example is during the interrogation of your character. Zhuge Liang asked her a question, but it was never completed. Please remember to proofread carefully, not only for spelling and grammar errors, but for additional and missing words, too. Believe me, I’ve had a few problems like this myself.
It could also be beneficial to you to get a beta reader, that is, someone to read over your work for you.
2.) I’m having some OOCness (out of character) problems with a couple of characters. It seems everyone has been twisted a little (except Zhao Yun I think) to be mean to your character. What your character did was wrong, yes. Foolish, yes, and probably severely punishable. However, I can’t imagine Ma Chao flipping out that much, or Liu Bei being a hypocrite in the first place. Knowing Liu Bei, he would have just transferred her to Lady Sun and her unit of bodyguards and have been done with it
Now here is where my OOC meter goes berserk: Lady Sun’s bodyguards. That’s right; I’m defending her bodyguards. I really think it’s a bad idea to bitchify or overly feminize other female characters just to suit your own original character(s). Lady Sun doesn’t fight in a skirt, and I think the only reason female bodyguards in the DW games fight in skirts is because of the game makers.
I recall reading that Sun’s bodyguards stayed by her door dressed in armor at all times. What this suggests is that these women were ready for a fight at any moment. Lady Sun herself was classified as a tomboy, being more interested in the martial arts and warfare than being pretty for the boys. Because her bodyguards were around her all the time, and she enjoyed their company so much, I can safely assume they were the same. What this means is that realistically, your character would fit in with this group. I mean, you did notice how short Sun’s hair is right? Very modern considering the times, and very daring.
Also, just because a female bodyguard wears a skirt doesn’t mean she can’t kick serious ass. I’m currently working my way through DW 5 and my preferred bodyguard, Cheng Cai, wears a skirt. She can currently hold of entire groups of enemies by herself and is especially bloodthirsty. Just an example of why such stereotypes aren’t always true.
3.) Final point, because this review is already longer than I meant for it to be:
While your character is very interesting, I don’t know her name. It really helps a reader when they are getting to know a character to be able to identify that character by name. One shouldn’t have to look three chapters into a story to know what the character’s name is. I suggest you put a name in there somewhere. Right now, I’m making things up. ^ . ^
Also, I find your original character to be one of the most realistic that I’ve come across. While she apparently has serious feelings for Ma Chao, she always puts their friendship first. She understands how much he loved his wife, and even though she wants him for herself, does not throw herself at him or even admit her feelings. These are very powerful qualities, especially considering that this lasts six chapters into the story. Most writers would have their character buckle the moment they learned that their rival was dead.*
I think I can safely say your character isn’t a Mary Sue (if you don’t know what that is, type “Mary Sue” into any online search engine), but beware of certain Sueish characteristics that your character has the potential of developing:
*Angst over everything/Poor Me” complex*: While your character’s angst level hasn’t reached Anakin Skywalker proportions yet, be warned; having every character that your character doesn’t like treat her badly just so your character can complain about it gets old very quickly. Not everyone is likeable/unlikable all the time. Remember to add range.
*The magical makeover*: After chapters of going out of her way to denounce her femininity, your original character decides to have a complete makeover and become a knockout, so that when Ma Chao sees her, he falls instantly in love and they have hot sex. No, no, no, no! Please don’t do this. It’s cliched, predictable, and it’s degrading. You’re moving this story at such a lovely pace and I’d hate to see this ruin it.
*The Healing Sex*:
Sex does not solve every emotional problem, I don’t care what those cheap romance novels say. If you chose to have your character be intimate with Ma Chao (which the ratings and your inserts never ending physical admiration suggests), that shouldn’t be the be all end all solution. Don’t shy away from the likelihood of awkwardness or regret. Those would make any such intercourse that much more poignant.
Well, that’s all, and quite a mouthful, I know. Thanks for reading my review and I hope it will be a help to you and the continuation (and revision) of this story. Good luck!
CMCB
Note: This review is for chapters 1-6 of your story. I’ll review again after I’ve read 7-10.
*I don’t know enough about Ma Chao to know if there is or isn’t a Lady Yang, but if there is and she doesn’t die a horrible death, just remember t |
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