   The Magic Pocket Turtle
2008-02-06 . chapter 28“Elizabeth however was decked out in a highly expensive looking golden and white looking dress.” You have this issue with repeating yourself. There are thousands of words in the English language, and there is simply no need for it. A variety of words really helps the flow of writing, and makes it far more interesting. That’s why we have thesauruses. For example, the sentence above. You could easily re-write it without the second ‘looking’. When you’re writing a description, it’s so much stronger when you say something is or isn’t. The dress, does it look like or is it white? If it’s not white is there some sort of outside influence warping it? Is the sun glaring off it?
And then you keep switching your tenses, “Blayne is awake and not looking so well at all, he looks quite pale in fact. The poor guy had been up all night throwing up and having to use the bathroom in general. Sloane who had been continually woken up due to this was more than just a little annoyed at it, and yet, he was worried for his brother. "YEESH, What da 'eck happened? Are you alright dere bro? Y'dun look so well. I hope ya didn' catch anythin' from bein' around that girl." Sloane stated as he started getting ready for going out into town.” You see, you switched from present tense to past tense in the middle of the paragraph.
“Hell, and before he had the chance to Stinkie pounced on him and shoved the lid ONTO his head so he wouldn't be able to see him.” Now this is just a factual issue. I don’t know where you come from, but I’ve never seen a trashcan lid deep enough to slip over a guy’s eyes.
Finally, I think your writing in general is a tad too vernacular, but that might just be a personal preference on my behalf, but using phrases like “lets just say” and “Don't get me wrong” in the narration just disrupts the flow, and breaks the little world you’ve built up. And you simply must stop using “Oh” at the beginning of sentences in the narrative! “Oh not to mention she went to bed without dinner.” Is not an effective sentence. “Also, she had went to bed without dinner” or “In addition she had went to bed without dinner.” Would make the story more of a story and less like someone talking at us. Plus, having “Oh” at the beginning of every other other sentence makes me feel like you’re not sure of your own story, and sort of added bits and pieces as an afterthought.
Other than that, I noted several improper capitalization, some misspellings, no use of the apostrophe (When something’s possessive, it’s ‘s. Like “Blayne’s as opposed to Blaynes.), an overuse of !’s, and places where commas are desperately needed. Basically, your grammar is terrible, but your concept and plot don’t seem to be too out there. |
 Zebidee
2007-07-01 . chapter 25Heya. OMG! I was like "hm, there is something fishy here" when i read the part about kat's friend and then i was like a wedding! It was the thing that I was least suspecting in this chapter but REALLY good!
I REALLY can't wait for the next chapter (really, really can't!)
Zebidee x |
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