|Reviews for Rebellious|
| Blinded in a bolthole 9/11/12 . chapter 1
... I don't know where the "Shampoo is Dumb" idea comes from. She is more cunning than anyone save her great grandmother and Happosai, and very smart. Though she shows it by being underhanded and vicious to reach her goals.
| Y2Ranma 5/13/12 . chapter 26
Why, doesn't Ranma tell Cologne that by there law he has married (proposed to) Shampoo. Please update soon
| Ranmamania running wild 5/13/12 . chapter 22
I thought if I were Ranma & had a chance to get rid of someone, it would be Kodachi
| Y2Ranma 5/13/12 . chapter 22
I admit for a second I thought he would to do that to Akane, but as I thought that I realized he would be forced to rescue her so I thought about Kodachi
| The Ranmazon 5/13/12 . chapter 3
You could have said she put her spatula back in it's holster instead of back on her back
| ken 3/14/12 . chapter 2
| CrewSoulReaper 2/25/11 . chapter 26
This is a great story! I can't wait to hear Ranma's descision on the whole match thing! I started reading this, and coudn't stop. Also, maybe yo should introduce a new girl to tempt Ranma. I thought that you would do that with Bambou, but then you cancelled it. Normally in Ranma fanfics, its the girl who is tempted or chased after by a new guy, but what if ranma were tempted by a new girl that he was actually a little attracted to? That could make this story even better (if thats possible) (brown nosing!) CNT Wit for the next.
| Mr.Hq2q 1/19/11 . chapter 26
Please continue :)
| feernando 1/17/11 . chapter 26
the story is really good everything is good and i hope that you can continue
| primrosefey3 12/23/10 . chapter 26
I loved this story sooo much and i was a little upset that it stoped here. You are an amazing author and am impressed with your work. I guess i just leave the rest of the story to my imagination. D
| emeraldeyes.kylie 10/9/10 . chapter 26
sugoi! you are really an amazing writer!
at first i didn't believe it when my friend told me about you..but wow! how do you do it? you are absolutely amazing!
i just gotta ask one question though... when do you plan on finishing it? or maybe perhaps just another chapter? please i think i cannot thrive to wait long...i thank you for giving us, the ranma/shampoo fans, such a great story to read... arigatou gossaimasu?(i don't really know the spelling)..once again thank you!
| Ganheim 11/23/09 . chapter 10
Chapter 9: The Cat is Back
not be relented to
[not be _retained/trapped_?]
This was the time to think and not to simply waste the days in nothing.
[Or, perhaps ‘to act and not simply think’?]
Anytime.” Kasumi spoke for everyone
[Nabiki doesn’t usually care. Soun and Akane don’t like Shampoo. Kasumi is not speaking for ‘everyone’]
Both where walking
Silence that broke when Ranma lowered his head in suffering.
[Ranma’s not as attached to the Tendos as Shampoo was, so this doesn’t make as much sense. He’s also not permanently leaving his father like Shampoo left her tribe, so there’s little reason for him to break down. He _could_ stop and tell her that he’s sad to leave everyone behind, because that would be true]
accept to be under Cologne’s blanket?
[Cologne’s control? Roof? ‘blanket’ does not fit]
in it fullest glory
[in all its glory]
But there was no furo, just a shower.
[This is actually uncertain: there may be a centralized bathing room with a small furo, and many fanfics have used it. Still, this setup makes sense]
Both arrived at the same time at Kuno’s and in a really short time.
[I wouldn’t say ‘in really short time’ as much as ‘they barely managed to get there without destroying the city in the process’]
want to train with my manners,
You still have stuff to learn
[Does not match Cologne’s speech patterns, though the sentiment expressed in this sentence is quite fitting]
“I simply despise school.
[The speech patterns look more like Cologne’s than Ranma’s]
Thing that both were equal in.
[Not quite: Shampoo’s one of the fastest in the “NWC”, but Ranma is the fastest. Many fanfics portray Konatsu as matching Ranma, but that depends on writer preference]
in randomic change
and a bit of her tongue out.
[Does not fit with the rest of the sentence]
she asked shocked.
[She knows that Shampoo’s been spending the past few weeks/months with Ranma, and the amazon elder is one of the smartest people in Nerima. If anybody could figure it out with just seeing it, Cologne should]
Chapter 10: A Link to the Past
a girl of the same as Shampoo.
[This is not descriptive. Is she so similar as to seem like an identical twin? Is she merely from the same tribe? Same height/build/age? Completely different ethnicity?]
“No, it not over. ARGH! That’s better.
[If she switches to Mandarin, when she does so would be a good place to tell your audience. You never clearly do so]
the year tournament
“Spar until falling unconscious?
As this is the final, there are special rules in this fight.
[Poor grammar, and something this extremely serious would not be a fitting surprise – killing good fighters is expensive even if it’s not one of your own kindred, such a rule would be extremely difficult to justify]
Sword in hand each
[Bad grammar: should be ‘each hand’]
sword whistled in happiness
[ Few weapons have any form of sentience at all (like the Soul Calibur or ?), but typically it’s an anthropomorphism describing them ‘whistling _as if_ in happiness’]
Shampoo beat the challenger
[Why would she do this when the tournament FINALS were days ago, against Bambou?]
before jumping on the branch.
[A log, or trunk]
she ran for her life after grabbing her backpack
[Didn’t the guide grab her and run?]
Amazons (A.k.a.: Cologne).
[Awkward phrasing and AN]
[Don’t throw ANs mid-chapter]
[Don’t use a parenthetical when you can do a better job with a short narrative description]
and slumped into the wooden fence
[You mean the sword ‘buried/jammed/sunk’ into the wood fence?]
There are some characterization issues (more with motivation than actions), but the most serious issue is something that your other stories share as well: language issues. Punctuation, word confusion, and especially grammar. It’s a good idea to get a Beta Reader even if you are fluent in English, if you’re not you’ll just get that much more help.
| Ganheim 11/23/09 . chapter 8
Chapter 4: Cheaper by the eighth
and pop and are in
[and the elder Saotome?]
Nabiki arrived a while later but didn't check the kitchen.
[Nabiki doesn’t: she never cooks, or else she’d volunteer to keep Akane out of the kitchen (or Soun would ‘volunteer her’ when Kasumi got sick)]
Kasumi, what have you done to this?”
[They’ve ordered out to the Nekohanten before, shouldn’t they find the taste familiar if it was the amazon regular?]
miss the Neko.
[Nekohanten, spell it out or the meaning changes]
“Hey Akane, you could learn how to cook from Shampoo!”
[It’s been done before, though the only fanfic that uses this idea is Most Unlikely of Friends]
“This special fighting dress!
[ Not really: it’s just more functional than a ?
“Whenever you like, Hussy!”
[I’m confused: they’re not fighting on the spot like they typically do in the series?]
No time later, she attacked.
[Phrasing could use some work]
kick at high speed (Rhymes, doesn't it?)
[No, it doesn’t, and placing ANs mid-chapter is poor writing]
She fell immediately but not hurt severely just KO.
[Awkwardly phrased, and I feel not quite true to the series: Akane had one special skill that matches or maybe even surpasses Shampoo, and that’s strength/toughness]
think about the day of her expelling. Thirty seconds later she was weeping.
[I’m confused: did the reminder of the life she left behind overwhelm her tenuous emotional control?]
His pain immediately erased
[You mean he forgot his pain?]
He just smiled a bit and kept like that.
[He’s not awkwardly sitting stiffly?]
(Cliffy? HELL YEAH!)
[Don’t put ANs within the chapter text]
Chapter 5: Anything Goes, Amazon
and start buzzing Akane that way
[I have no clue what this is supposed to mean]
and leaving after that Damn She cursed
[Don’t Source Mix: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph. Especially when dialog – either voiced or unvoiced – is used]
“Hey, you're late.” Akane commented
[Shouldn’t Akane be sprinting if she’s so late that she’s still back here to see them?]
Shampoo exclaimed happily from the speed and the feeling of it
[Not ‘the terror of being flung around by an auliophobe while running in an uncontrolled sprint’?]
Shampoo don't want to…to teach
[Wouldn’t she be forbidden to teach him the amazon style, as she’s no longer one of them and is still compelled to keep the techniques secret?]
It is a reunion of everything
rock at bullet-speed but with a martial arts move,
you can't loose a hand
if a hit is too strong
[Actually, weapons have for eons been developments to break through armor. Even martial artists might have to worry about breaking their hands on armor or hard surfaces]
You are no one to talk about honor after what you did with Happosai.”
Chapter 6: French Dessert
(YEAH! ! Please forgive
[No forgiveness for ANs]
could be at unison.
[I think ‘in unison’ fits better]
She didn’t have a good face
[This whole sentence looked like a really awkward way to state ‘she seemed pained’]
Akane lost. Ranma’s Shampoo’s.
[True though this may be in this story, I think it’s too fast, too easy. Ranma’s been extremely shy with Akane in canon (and she’s the canon preference), so Ranma being so overt here seems unusual]
and Nabiki’s money ambitions.
[She can still make money off Ranma, as long as he’s nearby. She could also start making money on Shampoo, it’s implied she may do so with all of the fiancées in the manga and anime, though Shampoo is the only fanfic I can think of that really uses the implication that she’s selling photos of al of them]
“That’s a nice idea.” Her sister applied
[1: replied 2: Nabiki’s not exactly one for social attachment, she wouldn’t care to help non-family. Depending on how you characterize her, she either might be sympathetic but still lazy to family, or she might be fully apathetic to everyone]
he didn’t declared,
It’s been a very long time since I had a sparing partner for my style.”
[What about his father?]
It was clear that she was pissed at the girl next to Ranma.
[Given the fact that a lot of time has passed and Akane’s family isn’t being disrupted (really), would she be more melancholy? I’d think she’d have ‘cooled down’]
The place was heavy in attitude.
[“The atmosphere was heavy”?]
Shampoo. Time to get up,
[I’m surprised that he’s consistently waking before her. I’d just think that once in a while she’d match him]
towel (It is very
[See above notes against in-chapter ANs]
She arrived the living with the same task including her hair.
[This is confusing. Is it saying she was still drying her hair?]
her hair (Rhymes!)
surely we’ll have to face Kuno today
[Does not match Ranma’s speech patterns]
for your creepy sorcery on
[Not Tatewaki’s speech patterns]
she passed him over her shoulder
[she flipped him?]
She kept the Bokken
today we are going to study…” He kept going and going about maths.
[Poor grammar, and I think it’s bad scene description. You could pick a random math subject and throw it in, but don’t start like this just to suddenly cut away unless there’s a reason to support the missing information]
(Yep, I deeply hate
direction away form
Apart of the Art,
[Aside from the Art?]
mostly because they weren’t from Shampoo’s original style, they were from Ranma.
[Then he should have more of a defense as he tends to fight back against Ranma: with Shampoo, he tends to simply take the beating]
China and ever,
today was brink of the line, he attacked you and said nonsense things
[Bad grammar, and it refers to his typical actions. I don’t see how this would incite Shampoo to beat Mousse more viciously than normal]
could be far brothers
The pair noticed Nabiki and Kasumi for the first time
[Error: you have Shampoo and Nabiki respond to each other, and Nabiki talks to Ranma]
let’s bath then.”
Chapter 7: Partners?
beginning (I Spelled
first to act going
table in the living.
[in the _living room_ (or den)]
she listened to his comment
[She doesn’t (usually) listen to him before punching him flying, so it’s odd for you to phrase it like she did]
“It looks like a bomb sound.”
[You mean a falling object? As many times as Ranma’s been sent flying by Akane, that should be a sound many in Nerima know]
To make Ranma let someone help him was some kind of a miracle or the sign of a close Apocalypse.
[‘For Ranma to let someone help him’ is unusual sure, but Akane’s helped him before. So has Ukyo, and Shampoo in less direct ways before]
Akane hit me.
[Ranma’s usual answer is ‘Akane’ and nothing more, him giving the whole story is unusual]
I feel like I’d suicide or something like that first
[This is spoken in what seemed a fillipant manner, and while Ranma is casual with most things this is not one of them. He might say “I’d think she’d kill me before too long”, but not say he’d kill himself]
“You want to shut this place down?”
[That’s what she said a long time ago, and as martially capable as she is she wouldn’t be able to do so without help, especially if Mousse is there with his vision impairment. Given this difficulty, I’d think it would have shut down long ago – it’s not like Cologne has a reason to stya in Nerima with Shampoo no longer a part of the tribe]
Chapter 8: New Beginnings
complete agree of
from one that trained with Happosai!”
[This is a ‘cheap shot’ and is also unsound: Ranma’s had training from Happosai as well]
Both index fingers up in a Homer Simpson way.
“Give them our blessing.”
[Genma might be coming to accept Ranma’s feelings for Shampoo (it’s implied pretty well at the end of “Dreams of the Earthbound”), but this is too forward for him and especially for doing so in front of Soun. It’s not that Genma is a bad, duplicitous person, but Soun is a friend and he would want to seem supportive and would more likely start trying to convince Soun that the relationship between Ranma and Akane would never have worked out]
Playing shogi (I think
[It’s either that or go, but either way avoid ANs. Feel free to ask about it in a post-chapter note, that’s where ANs belong]
He sat indian-style,
[‘indian-style’ is very ambiguous: I know people from Maharashtra and they all sit differently. However, the “lotus position” is familiar to anybody who knows much about Yoga, and “cross-legged” is another one that can refer to various ways of sitting that probably refer to what you want]
(Yes, that is the
as Shampoo-cat jumped on top of her head
[Ranma has a deep psychological terror of cats – the only story that’s had him break this fear without being OOC is “Most Unlikely of Friends”, which is only now being posted on FFnet. If they’d changed back at a park or something then they could talk or go where they wished, maybe Shampoo could follow Ranma with him intentionally not looking back at her, but the sight or sound of cats will make him either run or ‘lock up’ in fear]
running like nuts with her arms to the front and fully extended above her head with fingers extended too. (Let’s see if one of you knows what I’m talking about… evil grin)
[Awkward phrasing, and AN]
the two cursed ones arrived to the Tendos. The last time they were going to be there for some time.
[Didn’t you say they were going to move into the Nekohanten/Cat Café? As close as it is to everything, wouldn't there be a number of times it shows up again?]
Akane just admitted she was wrong about something
[Akane has admitted that she’s wrong, though it’s very rare for her to do so with Ranma. I think this should direct ‘admitted she was wrong _to Ranma_’]
| Ganheim 11/23/09 . chapter 3
A minute later the pair was a pair of blocks far from the Neko.
[I’m not sure if they’d be that far, but more importantly: repetition of ‘pair’]
Shampoo couldn't stand it more,
[Awkward phrasing: she couldn’t continue holding back her emotions?]
she dropped on Ranma
[Remember that Shampoo is among the Neriman ‘roof-hoppers’, this implies that she literally falls on him from above. Maybe she ‘falls against him’, which implies she’s on the same level as him]
[The honorific suffixes (including -chan) are never capitalized]
too much tear and triggered curse.”
[But tears are warm enough not to trigger the curse, Ranma’s poured thermoses of at least half a liter and the warm water then dried without reverting him back to curse form. Oh well]
While later of silence,
[A while of silence later, though that still looks awkward, I’d use ‘finishing their journey in silence,’]
Soun and Genma were playing a game (Sorry can't remember the name of that game they keep playing all the time).
[Guess or research, but either way fix it and don’t use Author’s Notes mid-chapter: it’s poor writing]
“Pop, , there is
Ranma added lowering
[Missing comma after ‘added’]
his head a bit to the bad memory
[head _at_ the bad memory]
I really think that I'm not the one to talk about that.”
[I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Is Ranma admitting he’s not certain this isn’t a trick? Is he indirectly telling them to ask Shampoo? Is he admitting he doesn’t have any clue one way or the other (which doesn’t often happen – Ranma’s an egoist)?]
you are nobody to threaten us.”
[Is he ‘no one’, or ‘in no position’ to threaten them? Either could be true from Genma’s perspective and either would anger Ranma, but the words would have very different consequences farther into the future]
[While this line is characteristic to Ranma (very cocky), it doesn’t fit the scene – he’s not having his ego challenged, he’s having his protective nature challenged. That’s going to make him angry, maybe make him snarl ‘who are you to tell me how to live my life’ (which he’s said before, and is ironic because he almost always ends up bowing down to Genma’s wishes)]
His rebellious attitude really got into the seniors.
[He’s often rebellious, usually they blow it off. What’s different? Do they take this particular incident as a challenge to their authority and get angry because he’s ‘not giving them their due’?]
He added calmly
[Ranma should be angry, not calm]
“You are going to be beaten into crud!”
[Does not fit Soun’s speech patterns]
She applied happily.
[Doesn’t make any sense. What did you mean: followed? complied?]
“Seems ok to me.” Soun replied
[Soun doesn’t care about ‘fair’, and usually they just yell at Ranma or try to get a few head-blows before bellowing about what a failure he is. I’d think the response would be more ‘have it your way, you’ll see it ours’]
Just when they were going to die of old from waiting,
[Extremely awkward phrasing, besides the fact that patience as well as aggression are trained by the dedicated martial artist – all involved are going to have little problem with waiting for the opponent, though Ranma and Shampoo might wonder what’s taking so long when the parents usually lash out right away]
They only needed a well-connected punch to be defeated.
[You mean it only took one lucky punch? You don’t have to like them, and they’re not paragons of martial artists, but the fathers did train under Happosai and they are both extremely powerful, skilled martial artists]
“Yes.” Both replied with a faint voice
[OOC: the patriarchs are stubborn. While Soun’s not often been in such a situation, in Genma’s case he usually fights with Ranma and after being punched away Ranma does what he wanted in the first place and Genma allows it because he knows there’s a way to sneak around it]
both intended to leave
[motioned/turned to leave]
our fathers agreed with
leaving a very fish-like Akane for the way she moved her mouth so many times.
[You mean ‘leaving Akane gaping like a fish’]
“Where Ranma stay?” She asked back
[This would cause Akane to go into an enraged frenzy, the other Tendos would be furious and Ranma himself might soon be kicked out of the house. There might be other guest rooms (I’ve always guessed there are several, as the dojo and size of the furo indicate that the grounds are designed to be used by a dozen or so healthy martial artists that would live in the area and pay for the privilege of training and a place to stay). Granted, they might not have that many proper guest rooms, but there’s probably storage rooms or places they can clear out enough for Shampoo to stay there]
He smiled as she threw Genma's stuff to another room, an empty one,
[Convenient how nobody thought of putting Shampoo in this ‘convenient’ empty room]
That Shampoo is gone, dummy!
[Shouldn’t he be going ‘maybe Shampoo was never quite that nuts’?]
for some instants
[for several moments]
“Shampoo want to go school with Airen.
[How’s she going to pay for any of the materials? Who’s going to host/register her? Ranma’s not old enough to sign the paperwork and neither of the fathers would agree to do it – this would just give her an opening to stay and they want her to go. Cologne could as a parting gift, but I’m not sure if you’ve already had her leave (though she might think of this as a means to help keep Ranma and Shampoo together as they try to figure out what to do)]
Chapter 3: Learning to Breathe…Again
fighting with dad and ?
acquiring an out-of-the-world-but-not-that-much-from-reality look.
[I don’t get it. Is this saying that Kasumi’s placid expression is ‘somewhat but not completely removed from reality’?]
She finished swatting her hand in disbelief
[You mean she makes a dismissive waving gesture as if to dispel the fears and situation?]
He had some bruises on his clothes.
[Unless he stole some organic armour from the Pegasus galaxy, clothes don’t bruise. They tear, scuff, scratch, and smudge]
while he changed clothes to the same ones but in better state.
[Isn’t Shampoo still there in the same room?]
but you know that girl…
[No, apparently I don’t]
[How _is it_ that?]
my hearts bumps further
He started with his lousy try of Shakespearean poetry
[1: in the Japanese, he quotes Confucius, a highly respected philosopher. 2: in English, he does a good job of speaking in Shakespearean-esque Elizibethean English. The issue is that nobody wants to hear him speak in either case: he’s arrogant and annoying]
in HEO (High Earth Orbit).
[If you want to use an acronym that your audience might not know, write it out INSTEAD]
(Remember, we are treating with people over normal here).
[Don’t put ANs within the chapter]
Sensei saved Ranma's
[‘The sensei’, though since that word has been incorporated into English more in specialty applications (like a teacher of martial arts or other specific subjects) I think ‘The teacher’ would be more fitting. I’d also recommend thinking of a name for this character if he’s going to be interacting in such
guts from beating stripped by Ukyo, again
[That sounds excessively gory. Do you mean the more simple metaphor of ‘saving Ranma’s guts from Ukyo again’?]
hurricane (I know it's
[Don’t put ANs mid-chapter, it’s bad form]
happened that…her” She pointed
[With this, the dialog states ‘that her is going’, which is bad grammar. ‘she’ fits, but also requires that you rephrase the speech tag (maybe specify ‘Ukyo’)]
something weird or obscene?”
[Repetition, in this case]
“Seems ok to me.” Ukyo applied
[OOC: as mad as Ukyo was, she shouldn’t be accepting this easily. And I think you meant ‘replied’, but the changes that would have to happen to this scene would probably eliminate this speech tag]
replaced her spatula back on her back(Sorry, no way to make it sound better).
[1: don’t use mid-chapter ANs, 2: maybe ‘slung her spatula against her back’? ‘reattached it to her baldric’?]
sat next to them waiting
[Missing comma after ‘them’]
You wanna come over?”
[Wasn’t Ranma going to be going to Ukyo’s to explain what happened?]
Finish class bell (Even more chaotic than lunch! Yes, it is possible).
[1: AN 2: bad grammar]
they weren't in a hurry. For a change
[Should end in comma instead of period after ‘hurry’]
It looked like a big chunk of ice that was roughly tore apart from an iceberg or something like that.
[Awkward phrasing. You mean he looked like a rough chunk of ice?]
Ukyo pointed and
“First the first,
at the begging.”
before Ranma now.
[know. I also want to point out that Shampoo, if she’s going to correct Ranma, would likely state that it had been a worry gnawing at her mind for weeks]
Ukyo gasped “But
[Be careful having other characters act during another one’s paragraph/dialog, unless there’s clear identification it can tell the audience that the dialog belongs to the wrong person]
marking that the potion
after asking me to make her questions.
I made all that I could think about
[Ranma did not _ask_ all the questions he could have – that would’ve taken hours. I do think there wasn’t nearly enough hesitation or caution from Ranma]
I was completely sure that she had changed,
[He didn’t ask nearly enough to be sure that she truly changed, just that she was having a moment of crisis]
Ukyo knew that it was better not to push it.
[Is this the same Ukyo who tried to force Ranma to pretend to be her husband/betrothed when she first revealed the engagement?]
thing they lived and
telling it was not nice.
| Ganheim 11/23/09 . chapter 2
[I would recommend something else, as QuickEdit seems to be eating all of the opening brackets and your dialog is therefore coming out mispunctuated]
Chapter 1: Eyes wide open
Filling its tanks of pollen full
[Bees only incidentally spread pollen (whatever sticks to their legs), what they drink and bring back to the hive is nectar]
She had Chinese dress on, it was almost indecent for the length of it, it showed too much leg.
[There are a lot of ways to describe clothing, and admittedly it can be fairly difficult to do so, but this doesn’t seem to be a good way to describe her cheongsam – for one, they’re often worn with pants-like leggings, the length is not indecent - although calling it short would be accurate]
how she hadn't trusted him that he could love her without a love potion or a tampered ramen.
[If you’re referring to the kirahashi mushrooms, those were stuffed buns and she only did it once – Kodachi tried to poison Ranma almost every time they met. Still, the plethora of images that go through her mind as she begins thinking over her failures seems both comical and true to a guilty backlash as she takes a more objective look at her dealings with her intended]
How could…how could I do this to Airen? How I never felt any remorse?
[I think this is OOC: Shampoo has felt remorse. Like all members of the Fiancée Brigade, she’s tried to file them away while acting under “all’s fair in love and war”, but I think her issue is mostly that she didn’t get as much “camera time” to see her feeling guilty or doubtful or nervous like Akane got. I think the issue is that she’s been hiding everything for so long that whatever feelings of guilt she pushed down are becoming too great for her to ignore anymore. The characters have been stuck in a rut for a long time]
she had to go to Joketsuzoku for a quick meeting
[ The Bayankala Mountains are thousands of kilometers away, no trip there would be quick. Even with a plane trip from Nagita Airport to ?, including bus/train/hiking to get to the out-of-the-way village would take a minimum of 2 days each way, more likely 3 days. Any business worth taking that much time would mean spending at least as much time as the total transit (adding up to 6 days transit, 6 days in the village)]
“RANMA, YOU BAKA!”
This night, Akane offered to cook dinner.
[Doesn’t _everybody_, even Kasumi, attempt to keep this from happening? Akane doesn’t quite create life (although I’ve seen funny scenes of such happening in some fanfics)]
He left for the only place no one could catch him, well, no one from the house at least.
[Soun, Genma, and Akane can all reach the roof – Akane only went there once (during the anime episode “Ranma you’re such a jerk”), but based on the performance from the fathers both of them would be able to get there – though they might not think of it]
a head too Who's this?
at least when there was another one near them when she did that.
[If this is referring to her lack of concern for displaying affection in public, then ‘when other people were near’ would flow better]
And to Shampoo because that way she managed to get a neat moment with her Airen without her hugging him or something like flashing too much skin.
[I don’t think that she’s a habitual ‘flasher’ (barring that one time when she jumped into the bath with him to reveal her Jusenkyo curse). Besides this sentence being awkwardly worded, I think that its focus is also misleading: normally she’s trying to push him by being extremely ‘forward’ or affectionate, and now she’s taking a much more calm, low-key approach, and it’s working at keeping she and her intended together]
She was crying uncontrollably and obviously in pain.
[I think ‘uncontrollably’ is exaggerated and ‘in pain’ bit is unnecessary – while some girls can fake tears (Nabiki), the Fiancee Brigade don’t (usually) do so and merely seeing a girl crying is enough to crumple Ranma’s resolve. Merely Shampoo crying in front of him, much less in such a non-private setting, would be enough to let him know that this is serious]
He asked dubitative.
or between harmless smoke.
[This segment seems unnecessary, I think the mention of being within a cloud is enough]
“Too much peace,
[‘Too peaceful’ would flow a little better]
“What would you do if you get kicked out of the Neko?” he asked this quite weirdly.
[‘weirdly’ doesn’t describe what or how – is he feeling bad asking the question? I don’t feel the question belongs, since there’s no indication that Shampoo _would_ be thrown out and he probably wouldn’t think of it. Is he feeling trepidation at her sudden change in strategy? I can’t even propose a substitute because the conversation has taken such a sharp change in direction from where it was going (the changing relationship between Ranma and Shampoo), rather than some possible consequences of her change in strategy (and unless Cologne has a plan to help her out, I doubt she’d even pretend to kick Shampoo out)]
“Talk to Airen to let Shampoo stay in back-yard of Violent Girl's house.”
[Besides ‘new characters’ having a tendency to stop by the Tendo house (since Ranma lives there, that makes it the geographic center of the canon Ranma story). However, Shampoo never seemed to enter that stage – she stayed in the clinic when she worked with doctor Tofu before the Cat Café. I don’t see why that wouldn’t be an option again]
but couldn't fight the smile when he thought of what could be with Shampoo living just ten feet away from him.
[He might like Shampoo, that’s fine, but her living this close not just to him but to AKANE would inevitably lead to trouble. He may not mind the people coming after him, but he hates it when the girls fight over him (if just because the violence inevitably spills over to him and he gets hit with the crossfire)]
I see you really need my aid in this stuff.
[Does not match Ranma’s speech patterns]
a big lovingly smile
in front of the Neko minutes later
[‘Neko’ is just ‘cat’, if you want to refer to the café then you’d have to write out either ‘Nekohanten’ or ‘Cat Café’, depending on whether you prefer the English or Japanese name (it doesn’t matter which, as long as you’re consistent)]
“Shampoo reached that Shampoo would not follow the law that makes Shampoo marry Ranma.
[Although this may be deflecting focus from Ranma, it doesn’t seem necessary. Shampoo does take the law seriously, but in all honesty it’s more an excuse for her pursuit of Ranma – with it, her claim on Ranma has legal merit. Without it, she’s the same as the other girls – merely chasing after Ranma because she likes him]
That was a crushing feeling.
[I could see Shampoo thinking/feeling this, but not Ranma – he doesn’t have enough knowledge of Shampoo’s culture to realize the full implications of what she’s doing yet. We also don’t have enough description of Shampoo to know whether she’s showing this trepidation – is she shrinking back from her great grandmother, leaning into (or reaching a hand to) Ranma for support? What is actually happening? Remember the writer’s rule: don’t tell, show!]
her most deared friends.
[dear, though that’s assuming she had many friends – I think that implication, particularly from the manga, indicates that she was too arrogant and unfriendly to her age-group villagers to have left anything behind]
Learning to breathe in the suffocation of life,
[I don’t understand]
she owed at least to that.
[she owed him at least that much?]
Chapter 2: Seven a Side
got him out of his thoughts
[drew him from his thoughts]
she be acting so well
[‘so calmly’, and since this sentence is a question (even if it’s not voiced) it should end in the proper punctuation]
give me your bonbori.”
[‘maces’ would have been fine, ‘chúi’ as well. ‘bonbori’ refer to paper lanterns (look it up on dictionary dot reference dot com or wikipedia)]
“You must get your stuff because
[Does not match Cologne’s speech patterns]
this restaurant is going down.”
[‘restaurant will have to be closed’ would make more sense, besides also fit Cologne’s speech patterns]
No more Nekohanten and its incredibly delicious ramen.
[Cologne and Mousse are leaving, Shampoo’s entire heritage and life are being ripped away from her, and Ranma’s worried about where he’s going to eat? That’s extremely OOC]
now that he passed over it
[he thought about it]
And the first thing, well
[Again, OOC. Ranma’s crass and an idiot often, but he’s not this stupid or selfish. Shampoo’s probably fighting to keep from breaking down beside him, he wouldn’t be going ‘how am I going to get free food in the near future?’]
to get everything she owned or had
[Superfluous ‘or had’]
Don't worry, treat her nice and I think that would be the least to do.”
[Does not fit Cologne’s speech patterns – I also think it doesn’t fully fit her character. She liked Shampoo and that she’s giving up everything to be with Ranma she could accept but not without at least a tiny measure of bitterness, especially if the girl’s feelings aren’t reciprocated. Due to this, I think she would probably give the rest of her speech, but probably end with a ‘don’t you dare let anything happen to her’]
her tone was almost of begging
[While this would be the subtext of what’s going on, Cologne would not be this apparent. Her voice might waver a bit, maybe hold a mournful/despondent quality, but ‘almost begging’ wouldn’t fit a more than hundred-year-old matriarch with her share of tragedy in life as well as disbelief that so much is changing so fast]
She smiled a bit, her real smile since the pair left the Tendos' roof.
[her _first_ real smile since leaving the Tendo roof?]
Instead, she grabbed it like luggage.
[Repetition of ‘grab’, maybe ‘carry’ would work better]
with a sour face.
[Instead of looking ‘sour’, I’d think she’d be trying t