Okay. *takes deep breath* Well...I don't know where to begin. ...Ouch. This hurts. You said this writing style was based upon Michael Crichton's. Excu-se me. I hope you were making a parody, because Michael Crichton's does not lobby against punctuation the way that you seem to. I have never seen less commas and periods where they are needed, and, on the rare occassion of their appearance, they are usually the wrong mark. Any English teacher would bite your head off with a vicious roar.
If you are in fact trying to make fun of Michael Crichton, shame shame. He's a great author and doesn't deserve this kind of abuse. Also, the whole passage is somehow shunted to one side of the page by some miracle of text formatting. Is this just my computer? I sincerely hope so.
In conclusion, don't make fun of good authors. Your grammar and punctuation need serious assistance. They may need to go into rehab. Maybe it's just me, but do check on that text format. It's extremely distracting.
P.S. I think your story has merit if you try and work out the technicalities. I'll keep this page tabbed and hope you can work out your punctuation issues so that others (including me) can properly enjoy it. Having so many small mistakes simply detracts from the power of the story.
P.P.S. Excuse me, but what exactly does "stumbled with the keys" mean? How about "fumbled"?