   LilyGinnyBlack
2009-10-02 . chapter 1This one-shot was extremely well done! You were able to capture a sort of bittersweet innocence. Throughout the whole one-shot the children were aware of what was going on around them, of the corruption surrounding them, yet they viewed it all with their rose colored eyes. That is, until the very end.
You were able to set and create a very realistic setting straight away, adding in small details about the time era that this is taking place in:
It wasn’t so bad, being eleven and practically a grown girl about London in the ‘60’s. The music was great, skirts were short and colourful, and London was never again to be so full of life and so much the center of the world. Even with most of the other children going to the seaside, or even to the South of France, there was plenty to do around and about Grimmauld Place in the summer.
Not only did this instantly bring me into the story, it also gave you credit as an author. It showed, to me, that you were acknowledging the time, place, and etc. and thus writing this one-shot in the appropriate setting. It made the one-shot feel more authentic, which is a rare, but very nice touch, in the world of fan fiction.
Now, onto the characterizations. What a fantastic job! I'll first start with Sirius, his mother, and Kreacher, since they are characters that actually in the series.
First, Sirius, I'm intrigued by how you decided to write him. When the Sterlings first meet him, he seems to be rather in line with his parents thoughts and views, though not necessarily brainwashed, per se. But he did play games like "Hunt-the-Muggle" (which was quite a creative take on a pure-blood, wizarding version of Hide-and-Seek, by the way) and seemed to listen to what his parents told him:
"'I’m forbidden to leave the garden. Mother is afraid I’ll be contaminated by Muggles, and Kreacher is always watching me." He gave an angry laugh. "But today I got the gate open when Mother called him in.'
Even though he is rebelling a little here, with trying to get the gate open, his desire to leave and to get out (his "angry laugh") seem to stem from his being trapped, rather than him being fed up with his parents pure-blood ideology.
It isn't until after he actually spends time with the Sterling children and comes to see them as friends (muggle or not) when he actually rebels against Mrs. Black when he tells her that he will "always play with Muggles."
To me, it seems as if you chose to write this as Sirius pivotal moment in his life when his whole world view changed. As the tipping point, one could say, since he was getting more and more frustrated with his mother, and then this happened and he simply couldn't take it anymore.
That's enough on Sirius though. Mrs. Black was splendidly in character, which means I wanted to punch her! You painted a lovely picture of a muggle witch in my mind (and into the mind of poor Sorrel.) She was a nasty thing and seemed to be quite the horrible mother, which suits her perfectly. Nothing more to add here besides the fact that you had her IC and at the times she was talking to the Sterling children, I kept briefly thinking that she was sorely tempted to just kill them rather than erase their memories. How sick.
Ah, and Kreacher, you did a good job with him too. Especially since all of his characterization basically came from a secondhand source (AKA Sirius). Still, the watching from the bushes, not being much of a help, and the fawning over Mrs. Black all fit with the Krecher we met in OotP.
Now I'm going to be moving onto the Sterling children and your characterizations of them, though it's mainly going to focus on Sorrel, since Heather and Peter are kinda just "there," which is perfectly fine. They were just the tag-a-long younger brother and sister anyway, weren't they? And with the POV of "We" rather than "I" or "He/She" usage, you give the appearance, when reading, of the siblings simply being one being (AKA Sorrel).
She, unlike Sirius, seems to be free of her mother's control. For instance, when Sorrel and her siblings go outside they have "adventures" and don't mention any of the potentially dangerous stuff that happens to them. Because Sorrel wants to "protect [her] mother from the Rougher Side of Life." Unlike Sirius, who probably wishes that his mother would see *more* of the muggle world or "the Rougher Side of Life."
Yet, Sorrel and Sirius do have one thing in common (and no, it's not that both of their names start with "S") they don't quite see eye-to-eye with their mothers. Sirius, for obvious reasons that any Harry Potter fan knows, and Sorrel when she thinks about the "'revolting hippies'," she is quoting her mother, nevertheless, when I read that I couldn't help hearing sarcasm in my head. I'm not sure if that was intended or not, but that's how I interpreted that phrase.
Sorrel comes off as a very independent girl, who thinks things like, "I'm like an adult, nothing can hurt me," and etc. Yet, when she meets with Sirius' mother, an actual witch, she has a realization that she is still just a child. She also gets a heaping dose of how dangerous the world can be, and thus, has taken one-step away from her childhood. Just as Sirius does here too, when he decides that he wants to be friends with muggles in the future. Both moments in this one-shot were melancholy, and highly appreciated.
Next topic on my list, the symbolism of the gate. Sorrel's thought, "As far as I know, Sirius never got the gate open again," makes me really think about Sirius and his character. Did he ever get that gate open? Sure, he got sorted into Gryffindor, sure, he became friends with pure-blooded families like the Potters and Weasleys, and a half-blood werewolf, and sure, he joined the Order. But then he got locked up in a prison for years, and when he finally escaped, he still had to live on the run. And, in the end, he was locked away in that house he hated, behind that gate again. He got out, only to die.
So, did Sirius ever open the gate again? Maybe yes, maybe no. He never played with those muggles again, nor any other muggles in his future. Still, it's a blurry line and a tough question to answer.
Finally, I just wanted to say that this is written well, no obvious spelling or grammar mistakes. The flow is lovely. The child-like perspective is done to a perfect tee. And this line: "He had the sort of manners Mum would call lovely, and I would call old-fashioned," which reinforces my idea that Sorrel didn't exactly see the world the same way her mother did and is also a hats off to the old fashion style of the Wizarding world, and the fact that Sorrel retained her memories of the event while her siblings didn't, were both nice touches.
Great job on this, really! (^^)b Thank you for writing and sharing this and take care! (^^)o
~Lily~ |
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