  MrsHellman
2009-11-08 . chapter 40 (Okay, here's the rest of my first review :D I'm still MrsHellman, and what the heck . . . just read xD)
> One of the things that bothered me the most; their emotions and reactions. I know that it’s hard to write emotion after emotion in fictions, and stories in general, but I can see that you’re giving it your best when it comes to writing this story, so I think you can take this :] (I’m not trying to be mean) It’s something that most of the fanfiction here at FFN’s got – they accept things too well, too fast! O.O I know that when you’ve got really, really awesome friends they can accept nearly everything about you, you should appreciate it and realise that they are friends you should cherish with all of your heart, but this is the fiction world – the Harry Potter world to top it all off – so yeah, things are different . . . :] But my point; their reactions to all the break-ups their feelings towards each other and all that; it was being accepted all too well somehow. The only part where I actually saw some of these feelings I’m talking about was when Lily thought James has cheated on her.
I’M FINISHED WITH THAT NOW!
Something I just have to say though; a lot of stories her on FFN contains mostly blood and death, and sure; it’s cool as hell to read it, but too much is too much X_x Hehe . . . I’m impressed I said that . . . I’m a Harry Potter fan 24/7 and ask for fights all the time – written of course, hehe . . . -_-“ You wrote about love instead. There was no Voldemort, nor any Death Eaters. It made me happy! :D
Anyway! My point with this review is to say that I loved this story and I’m jealous over your writing skills – I’ve said it before and I can say it a thousand more times if I have to -_-“ DAMN! I’m RE~ALLY jealous here . . . –tries to come up with a plan on how to abduct your beautiful mind- Well! Thank you for an awesome story! Kind of sad that it was so short though, but I’ll live ;P (Yeah, I said SHORT . . . I’ve read storied with about 100 chapters and they’re bloody awesome –drools- =W=) But . . . hehe . . . the sequel . . . –smirks-
Btw, you better write that damn sequel, because I’m thirsty for James/Lily xD, and damn I love this story xD
Huggles,
Mi
PS. You better like long reviews, I've worked my ** off to write this one -_-" And sorry for any spelling errors -_-“ |
  MrsHellman
2009-11-08 . chapter 40Hey BackstabberEm (I love that freaking name xD),
Okay, I finally got the time to read this story -bangs head against screen- I’ve been so busy with finals, test, homework, work, my own stories, betaing, the Naruto and Harry Potter fandom and life in general that I’ve barely had time to do anything fun , but . . . well . . . I’ve been writing on my own fictions of course – as I mentioned – because they’ve been my top priority, hehe xD Anyway! I’m here to leave a review, so that’s what you’re going to get! I hope you like long reviews; don’t know though -_-“
I loved reading this story! x3 It contained friendship, romance, love, “family?” and the long, hard, sweaty, painful, opposite-to-enjoyable way for a great relationship with the woman(man you love xD I’m a weird person, but I simply loved this story! I’ve got to say that I actually have some critique (I love critique, really, because that means that the readers are taking their time reading my story, and then think about it before reviewing :3) to give you, good, bad and constructive, hmm?? So prepare yourself :3 At least I’m giving you a warning, huh?? xD I’ve got a lot of things to say though and I want you to know that nothing is meant to be felonious ;P Sometimes, I ramble and then all of a sudden, there’s this little sentence that’s not supposed to be there you know . . .-_-“
Something that was good with the story is that we’ve actually got James and Lily running around all over in the place! xD They bring a certain tension to the matter and the fact that they’re actually alive made me smile so much. I love stories where they are alive, and I’d love you as well if you know some good stories with them (and Harry?) and tell me about them xP I’m pretty new when it comes to the Harry Potter fanfiction reading, so I don’t know that many stories, I’ve read – and known about – the Harry Potter books since I was around eight though ;]
GOOD:
Okay, I loved a lot of things, and I’m just going to say them all in small sentences and perhaps add a comment to them, but before that, I’ve got to say this; you’re simply awesome with grammar, spelling, capitalization, details, descriptions, emotions, keeping the characters “quite IC – sometimes not”, realistic writing and to keep a good length of the chapters as well as for the story itself :D (Your punctuation ability might need some help though, it’s not much, but I noticed a lot of errors -_-“) I tend to write too much when writing a story, but when I read this, I realised that I rather write too little :S xP Anyway, here we go;
> The story was long. I love long stories with a lot of chapters, because it’s easier to understand what’s going, and it’s also easier to imagine yourself living with the characters. When you can “live with characters”, as I use to say, you read the story from a different aspect, and it makes it look more alive. So that’s a great thing :D
> The story was filled with humour. I live for humour, sarcasm and irony, it’s the best things in the world! You can never get enough of them – as Sirius, for mostly, showed in this story xD but also James from times to times – and they’re so freaking addicting! xD
> You wrote about not only Lily’s and James’ relationship, but also Sirius’ and Gigi’s. It’s one of the factors that give the story life. You don’t get to see the story from only one or two people’s point of views, but more than four – in this story at least – and I love it when it’s written like that. It’s so freaking much better to see different relationships in one story rather that only one, because there’s never two different relationship’s that are the same. This story shows that, which is great! xD
> You didn’t write the sex scenes. I know that sounds strange, but yes, it was great that you didn’t actually. I’ve written a lot of sex scenes (lemons and limes -_-” Hehe, nope I’m not a closet pervert, I’m a real life pervert and I’m not ashamed of it xD) so I’ve got nothing against it, but if you had added sex into this mess, like, you had actually written it – you only left indications that it was actually happening in this story – it would have ruined a lot, I belive. It’s so easy to screw up when adding a sex scene, because it’s something very . . . how to say it . . . well . . . it’s something “forbidden” somehow – when it comes to writing stories. That didn’t make sense, ignore my idiocy and read on instead . . . I can’t explain myself xD -_-“
> We got to see their entire seventh year at Hogwarts. You wrote a lot and that made sure that a lot of scenes could fit in, even though it was mostly dialogues.
> Something else that I liked was that that it took nearly the entire story for Lily and James to get together for real, normally they get together after half the story and then we get to see some of their relationship and how it develops, not in this story though ;P In this story we get to imagine the continuation of their lives ourselves as well as so many other things concerning their relationship :D THAT’S SO AWEOSME! -glomp- (haven’t read the sequel yet (If you’ve decided to write that one though), so ignore my idiocy, once again xD)
Anyway! Got to evaluate the rest of the story now, since you put so much effort into writing this baby (big baby you’ve got O.O) Maybe I should continue with the . . . bad things now?? O.o Er . . . it’s not exactly something bad you know . . . BUT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM EXISTS AS WELL! xD
BAD & CONSTRUCTIVE:
> There were too many dialogues, and not enough details, in my opinion. I love dialogues, because it’s easy to understand what’s going on, but sometimes you need to add what’s going on around them, describe things/feelings etc.
> I don’t know if you noticed this, but you used the same jokes over and over again, for like . . . 25 chapters or something. I was always something along the lines; “Oh, that was my second guess” – when someone guessed wrong on something. “No, that’s not it, no, not that either . . .” – it continues on and on, and then someone says something, and it’s like “Yep, that’s it!” I saw four of those scenes, and it’s getting tedious so you’ve got to think about the jokes you; don’t write them too often :]
> You could have added more of Remus and his transformations. Lily never got to know about him being a werewolf for an example; only Gigi found out. I think there should have been a scene when the girls are wondering as to why the guys always disappear on full-moon and then try and follow them. They could follow the guys all the way to the Shreking Shrack (I can’t spell that, sorry, not a native speaker . . . damn it all. . . TT_TT), but then James and Sirius notices Gigi and Lily and they try to get them the hell out of there, and quickly since Remus’ transformation has begun or something. It would have been a scene :D
> When writing such a long story, you can’t repeat the same things all over again. Like I said with the jokes, it’s the same thing when it comes to all the events and what’s going on around them etc.
> Do they play Twister at Hogwarts?? It’s a Muggle game – a game we play – but I’ve got no idea if wizards and witches play it. It was quite unrealistic actually, so you could say it was a turn off . . . -_-“ I do like the fact that it distracts Lily from her studying, it was really fin to see, speaking of which . . .
> We never got to know about their school works, and result, and that’s something you can add in this story. After all; they’re in school xD
> Your OOCness I mentioned above that your characters are quite IC, yeah, and here’s the what I was talking about :]) Hmm . . . I’m going to give you some personal thoughts concerning this; I really hate OOCness when you can’t write it correctly, give the people a background that’s believable and fits with the story is good, instead of the times when their wicked personalities simply pop out of nowhere because you need a person to act like this and that . . . I hate them so much sometimes . . . it kind of takes away the feeling you get when reading something that’s got to do with Harry Potter (if could be Bleach, Naruto or the Lord of the Rings for all I care, but you get it) Personally I use as few OCs as possible as well as adding OOCness into a story.
I’ve got to say some good things about the OOCness though;
> To the amazing this about said OOCness; the OOCness you’ve got here fits the story like a glove on your hand, instead of that ** crap I’ve come across out there, and damn . . . do you know how jealous I am?? I want to be able to write this well! :S –tries to gore eyes out- The OOCness I love in this story though; it’s Lily’s personality. (Gigi’s not OOC since she’s your character, but about her personality; **! That little hyper ball disguised as a teenager is running around all over the place and makes my day happier than happiest. I love the woman . . . xD) another OOCness I like is Peter’s, he’s an amazing character in this story, and it made my heart shatter into a million pieces when I think about the future, and what he’s going to do . . . I was so ** when I realised that, I nearly sent you a Howler for making him a nice guy! X_x (Excuse my idiocy xD) He’s one of the good guys though, but it’s so sad that he did all of the things he did . . . betraying, and thereby killing, James and Lily like that is awful . . . anwyway!
Btw, I’m desperately trying to not sound mean here when saying what I think/thought about the story! O.O I hope you understand! –cries- TT_TT I still love the guys, AND their personalities! –begs on knees- But back on track then! Er . . . this may sound strange, but what the heck . . . -_-“
(I can't write more in this reivew, because there's no characters left, so I'll send one more anon. review, okay?? It's under the same name, and I'll tell you that's it's a part of this review :D) |
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