   Ganheim 7/16/09 . chapter 1I wish I could respond more to him, instead of simply lying here,
[Or maybe remembering the better times of companionship, rather than focusing on the shallow aspect of sex?]
We're going to have to do a biopsy."
[If it got to that stage, she’d know that they’re looking at a tumor or growth of some kind. I also think it’s unlikely that she’d get to this point in one trip with socialized medicine – Japan’s or otherwise – as part of the system, she’d probably be back several times]
Hatred for my gullible father, who gave the yatai away *before* Ran-chan and I were married,
[Actually, Genma stole it]
little crossdressing BAKA!
[Unnecessary Japanese]
Akane-chan, can I have your permission?
[Why does it sound like she’s making this request purely of Akane? It’s something she’d be asking more of the Tendo clan as a whole…at least, Akane and Soun]
"I mean... for a little while?"
[I know this is the general gist of her plan, but it seems a pretty poor way to come out with it. And both you (the author) and she (the character) have had days…]
"Uh, well... this is kinda sudden..."
[Case in point]
leaving me with used goods," she teased.
[As possessive as she was in canon, even if she could have come to accept this arrangement, I don’t think she’d be teasing/joking about this]
It's amazing; once everyone knows you're terminal, so much is forgiven,
[That’s the problem with people who don’t live like every day’s their last. Or who take that expression and pervert it by living without honor or dignity]
his daughters' promised
[daughter’s]
I would scribble down my okonomi-yaki receipes
[What recipes? It’s name roughly means ‘as you like it’ because it’s relatively unstandardized. There’s regulars that pop out, but the same thing happens to delis and other places. To a large degree, it’s famous because it’s not all the same cookie-cutter mass-manufactured re-heated crap]
"It seems a shame to lose this..."
[I still feel there’s an incongruity with him describing what is more likely her waning ‘yaki as ‘angels dancing on the tongue’ rather than something a little more morose, akin to the fact that she’s losing her life]
"There is a peace in your soul that only a few have ever acheived.
[That’s not what the earlier narrative says: it’s filled with worry that I think is perfectly fitting given the situation, not tranquility]
could you make a few more, so that I might be able to share these with my fellow monks,
[Wouldn’t reheated or any non-fresh food go against their beliefs?]
"It's cough not improvisation,
[As a cook (if not strictly with meat, I prefer breads and pastries), I can tell you that it _is_ heavily improvisation]
"Just remember me in your will."
"All right, how's this: 'To Nabiki Tendo, who was always hinting about being remembered in my will: Hi there.'"
[That’s actually pretty funny]
he could've gone backward and tracked down my father.
[It’s also quite possible that’s how he found Kuonji Ukyo]
I hadn't even been able to eat an okonomi-yaki for three weeks.
[I know Ukyo was famous for her ‘yaki, but she cooked plenty of other things too (reference that brief period when she houses the Tendos due to the Gambling King). Otherwise, she couldn’t call herself a cook. Just somebody who knew how to throw a couple things together. It’s only when you can do a number of different things that you can claim the title. Just like Nerimans: just because they can throw a couple punches doesn’t mean they’re actually Martial Artists]
Ranma will be free to marry Shampoo by tomorrow."
[I don’t know how much you like or hate Cologne, but this is NOT her character. She obviously would prefer to have Shampoo marry Ranma, and she can seem cavalier many times, but she knows about proper time and place and she would know this is the time to be more quiet and respectful. Might she be planning to snag Ranma and Shampoo together after Ukyo’s gone? Possibly, but even if it’s something she’s silently considering at the moment (and I doubt it), she’s not going to say it]
I'm not dead *yet*."
[“I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.”]
Tsubasa?
[Missing closing quotation marks, and there may be missing dialog. I’m not sure]
That would’ve been better if it didn’t sound increasingly towards the end like ‘love’ was only ‘sex’. The idea of one of the fiancées dying early is one that’s been done for each of them, but virtually ignoring all of the truer aspects of marriage and companionship seriously degrade the story here – marriage is more than institutionalized prostitution, but the fact that none of those deeper things are really referred to seriously weakens what started out as a fair take on an idea that looked like it might’ve been handled well. |
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