Oh that was very good story I waited for a while for a new chapter and it was worth the wait! I love Kuro as you show him and how they are so different but soon they will be best friends(Kinda?)
I never imagined that the men in EGO were treated so badly like breeding cattle. Erasers don't have 'gender' now do they so what do they lok like down 'there'? I need to see a sketch for more explanation.
I thank you for getting back into Juvenile Orion, I didn't know how much I missed it til now. You can till that you have been RP alot by that long author's note though. and I mean a lot!
It was misleading and disappointing that the chapter seemed longer than it is but I'm not complaining. I could never write something this long.
I have returned from the land of college-apps-Hell for five minutes!
*ahem* So I read the chapter months ago, but never got around to reviewing, so this review will be a quickie (partly because I have several days' worth of physics and calculus homework to make up and partly because I don't remember everything that happened in this chapter).
I must say, I absolutely LOVE the Gabriel/Israfel interaction towards the end of the chapter. You really showed Gabriel's awkwardness and Israfel's straightforward honesty well. Of all the original characters, I think Dubbiel is my favorite so far. Confident, casual, shrewd, with a bit of bitterness (which I'm sure you'll expand on eventually) makes him a well-rounded and believable character and you conveyed this really well.
Mm... that's all I have to say right now, but I shall poke you after I finish reading the extras (I'm about halfway done).
Until next time!
Illusion
P.S. Kudos to you for being an ed major (I think. My memory could be defective)! Y'know in China and Russia, ed majors get free room & board and tuition. Now THERE are two countries that value teachers. *nods* (Of course, then there are people like my mother who only studied education to save money for grad school in the U.S. so she could study physics...)
this is a twist. Israfel is become Amou soon. it so sad that he doesn't remember about all the sacrifice that was made to save him from pain. ironic how to save himself from pain he caused himself enough pain to forget all that hurt him in the first place.
holy crap, wow you have so much extras in this...wows...i barely have the time to finish my story, although i have a beta and she is very helpful! _
you do very well at the character personas! i love how you get further into depth with them all. character like gabriel and Israfel, well, they were explored. the Author didnt really have time to because of the publisher going under and such. and poor characters like Kuro, he didnt even have a NAME! i mean, that is under development. I cant say that im amazing at it yet, this is still a new fandom for me (i really havent been writing all that long either tho...) so im not that great at developing them yet, and my beta says that my plot is a little average...so im sorking on it.
yup, what goes around must some around i guess, so, UPDATE! LoL. (now u have to...hehe )
I totaly agree with the mary-sue thing! i hate that! like the lord of the rings fandom is loaded! its like spam, i just wish there was a more simple way to get through it all.
Your story hast convinced me to log in to review. This is a rare occurance since I'm skipping all over doing so much. *Snigger*
I took one look at the bar and went "How the heck does she do it?" I used to think I wrote a lot. I have nothing on you oh master of long fics. *Bows* I almost didn't think I could read it all. @.@ I'll probaly have to re-read this chapter once my brain stops buzzing.
Anyway, I enjoyed it. Can't say much more as most of it hasn't set in yet. And I need a nap. *Dies on keyboard*
I love what you did with Israfel. He's so confused, but there are still traces of his past though he doesn't understand it. I also like how you made his voice richer than humans'. M... rich... like dark chocolate.
I also like how you kept Tomonori's awkwardness. I feel that most authors tend to forget how complex the characters are and only focus on one trait. The entire scene with him and Israfel is just so endearing just because they seem so socially deprived and don't know how to act around each other.
As for the second part... some of the imagery, especially right after Gabriel faints, just makes me want to draw, but I'm afraid I wouldn't do the descriptions any justice. Well, that and the fact that we don't have a scanner in our apartment. Woah, I miss the States already.
And once again I LOVE Kuro-Mizunagi interactions. Their relationship kind of walks the line between friends and brothers. Of course, that's mostly relative. I'd never talk with my sister about certain subjects that I know some of my friends would with their siblings and vice versa.
I also like the world you're creating for E.G.O., especially how there's discrimination against men. I think my favorite line is "It's a den of power-crazy, horny, selfish, feminist women." The entire comparison between the factions also gives a lot of insight. Kind of shows E.G.O. patriotism I guess.
And a random comment: There are some paragraphs in which you have separate speakers and that gets a little confusing.
Response to the Review Response:
Yeah, the living clothing makes more sense than what I was going to use to explain that.
Yeah, romantic relationships are overdone, so I'm with you on the more obscure path. It'll make things a lot more interesting. To be honest, I'm a little scared to read Control. I have a rather... addictive personality, which has proved to be the downfall to my academics. Right now I'm trying to just read one unfinished fic at a time, but I'll probably peek at Control some time.
I still think the brands are a very original idea.
*absorbs info on chayyot and nephilim* This...is so... cool. You'd better use this 'cuz I really want to see it in effect now.
Yeah, I see what you mean about little witch. We DO only see her for a page...
Hehe, well, I got one of the voices right, even if my interpretation was off. My Azrael actually isn't destructive in Fallen (though he was in the past) so I'm not sure where I got the "YOUMUSTKILL" from.
I can only imagine what senior year is going to be like. ((shudders)) I just hope it doesn't interfere with my posting regularity.
Yeah, I love piano, but I haven't played in a while. My mother canceled all my lessons until the fall so I could focus on studying. It didn't work so well since I started focusing more on writing and arranging a cappella music.
Lafayel love! Can't wait to see him come in. The poor thing is getting tons and tons of angst poured on him, isn't he?
Sorry for slightly spotty (and very late) review. Even though I've already been in China for five days, I still find myself waking up at 3 A.M. Ew jet lag.
This is totaly awsome! it is hard to find such good stories in the JO section, and yours is well worth the wait! LOVE IT and i cant wait for the next chapter!
Your talking to the girl who has read some books six times because she loves them so much. Trust me, I REALLY don't mind. - I love to read. And this fic of yours has me quite addicted. Every now and then, your stories get a bit confusing for me. But thats because MOG tends to read sentences too fast and mis-read things. lol
Anyway, send me whatever you like. *Cackle* I love to read all sorts of random things. Including poetry.
This is probably the zillionth time I've told you that I love your characterizations. You really show Gabriel's guilt effectively as well as the relationship between Kuro and Mizunagi. They act almost exactly the same as one of my friends and his brother.
Some other things also left me completely shocked. I didn't see the living clothing coming at all, but once I doubled back, it actually makes a lot of sense. I really like this idea. The same goes for the various abilities. I don't know why this never occurred to me. It seems obvious.
Little note that you will or will not act on: Sakurako Gokurakuin also does yaoi manga(interesting but disturbing story behind this), so I think the hand-holding shows Kuro/Gabriel. That's just me though.
Review Response:
Well, first off, I saw your review response, signed onto IM, and OMGed and squeed and eeked for five minutes to my very very patient friend who hasn't read JO but is constantly kept updated on the status of the fandom.
I'll definately start asking you questions about western mythology/religion in the future. As for the eastern hemisphere, don't worry about that. If anything, I'll just use history and culture because most eastern myths bore me(got a huge lecture when I told my mom). I trust that you revise your chapters thoroughly, but I know I personally sometimes have things that stay in my mind that I always forget to transfer to paper.
I don't think religion should be such a taboo. It's up for discussion just as much as transcendentalism is, so I'm very happy to find someone willing to discuss it, but with SATs then APs coming up and such, school is going to take over. ((mourns at loss of my social life))
Other such things I've forgotten:
The brand intrigues me. No really, what's it for? ((anticipates future chapters/explanations))
Legal Drug has been discontinued? No! (Yes, this one was rather random)
Hm. So is Kuro the only human psychic than has empathetic powers, or is he a rare case and others exist elsewhere? Same question applies to eraser special abilities.
As for the difference between an eraser and an angel, is an eraser like a mixed breed? Possibly part angel and part, iono, jinn? And if that's the case, then how is there a significant eraser population? Are they specially bred? Also, I noticed that Kuro says he's almost breeding age, so does that mean E.G.O. or other factions breed as well? I know this is implied with Isshin and Touko(I think it's her name) in the cannonverse.
Yes, JO doesn't exactly have the most thought-provoking storyline, but you've gotta love the characters, especially the minor ones. They're so fun to play with! ((takes out Tracer, White Rabbit, and Little Witch dolls)) Speaking of which, it'd be fun if someone wrote a fic featuring those three. Hm...
Out of curiousity, do you also research the other Aquarian Age series or did you make all the special abilities up by yourself? Either way I applaud you for keeping everything so organized.
Pervy Pairing:
White Rabbit/Little Witch
((grins)) Well, they're both minor characters and deserve a bit of limelight. Not to mention they're both adorable and puppy love is cute. This just popped into my head spontaneously.
All right, I think I've bombarded you enough with questions and mini-rants. Feel free to ignore or bug me back all you want. I think I've earned cookie points for adding to your review count either way.
Ugh. I really hate junior year. I feel like I haven't read a fic in forever. I think I have nine bookmarked and unread.
Anyway, I like soon-to-be-Tsukasa's thoughts when he's laying there. You made his confusion, well, confusing, which is kind of the point, so you did it well.
As for the two voices in his head... I'm going to guess that one is Mana and one is the angel that brainwashed him. Probably Azrael 'cuz I don't think Michael would do that and though Malik is guardian of Hell, he wouldn't really have any motivation. Azrael on the other hand would be more YOUMUSTKILL. You know, being angel of death and all...
Meh. Homework, SAT practice, piano, or continue reading? Decisions decisions...
kool! its so great! please update soon if u already hav 4 done. i cant wait to read more. its so hard to find good gabriel stories.. speaking of which i think there should be more of him, but its ur story.
Hm. What to say, what to say. I should be doing homework right now, but I guess I can put it off since there's no school tomorrow. The Kuro/Mizu brothers thing is an interesting twist that I definately didn't see coming, though I must agree that it does have a lot of potential. Background on any character is very welcome in my world. Wonderful character development, by the way. I especially like Mizunagi, probably because I can relate a little to him. Older siblings can be so crazy about the younger ones sometimes.
One look and everyone knows you did your research. A LOT of biblical references, my friend. Being someone who writes with a scientific approach, I'm looking forward to how that will influence our seperate interpretations and possible future debates/discussions. The fandom is so small, it's hard to find someone dedicated enough to write (several) ongoing fics.
Ahh! *glomps* Beautiful description of both the internal and external turmoil Israfel is experiencing. One thing, though. "Their robes tearing to rags in the viscous winds." I'm sure you mean viscious instead. Also, the phrase is a fragment. Try connecting it to the previous sentence with a comma or semicolon. I hate semicolons; I never know where to put them.
As for the content, I like how you kept the entire idea of atmosphere in mind, though I'm curious as to how they were able to survive so long in outer space before reaching earth's atmosphere. Also, there's no oxygen until you pass the ozone layer, so they still have to go through about 3 layers (can you tell I suck at earth science?) before being able to breath. The shortness of breath was a very nice touch, though.
Ironic that you make Gabriel seemed resigned to death and he's the one who survives with his memories. I'm interested to see how you develop his past. I'd like to know if you're also going to show how Lafayel comes to earth because I have some ideas myself, which also explain why he hates humans so much. *evil grin* Hehehe. I'm such a sadist...
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