   Nedunque
2006-07-13 . chapter 1For the second time today I -- not surprisingly -- find myself agreeing with Shin Rigel. Kai is utterly scrumptious as a pervert (though I'm somewhat partial to pervert!Rei, myself).
You do have some annoying issues with grammar and to some extent spelling as well. Ch. 1 has "rose and eyebrow" in five places (which in itself is a bit repetitious); it should be "raised" (interestingly, next ch. you get it right with "raising" -- twice). Additionally there's the occasional change of tense and some rather convoluted sentences. Admittedly you might be trying to convey the idea that Kai is brainwarping over Rei's nice arse, and in that case I apologise, but that's not the only instance. More (much more) subjectively, I don't see hear Rei saying "whatcha".
Ch. 2 has jumbled tenses right from the start and within three paragraphs uses "sweatdropped" twice followed by the infamous "anime-vein". I'll admit I'm biased, but I hate that expression. They're visual metaphors, and there's not bloody reason to use them in writing -- sorry, I seem to be oversensitive today -- hormones, I'm sure.
The over-the-top "Mission Impossible"-routine (music included) is good fun and very Takao-esque. And Kai ordering custom-made p0rn is delectable. He can do that without blushing, but confront Rei he can't. Inconsistent and stupid -- and so very, very believable. His Rei/sex-shrine is highliy amusing, and probably not too far off compared to certain teenaged boys.
Ch. 3: I think it's cute -- for some bizarre, perverted definition of "cute" -- that Kai gets someone else to play his role, rather than doing the job himself. It's sort of -- innocent; he's saving himself for Rei. He doesn't just want sex. He wants it with Rei, and Rei only. So cute.
I think the thing, I really like about this story, is that it's Kai, who's crushing on Rei (seriously so), while Rei doesn't return the feeling -- yet at least. So many stories have had Rei secretly pining for Kai from the start, but in this case he'll have to come to deciscion about his own feelings. I like that. It's a nice change to have Kai be the one with the emotions, and your take on those is rather innovative.
All in all your style isn't too bad. Characterisation is good. You have a pleasingly warped imagination and not a bad way with words, but you could do with an editor/proofreader to iron out the creases. Oh, and your asides needs working on as well. They break the flow of the story and do nothing but annoy rather than add tension and expectation.
- Nêdunque |
 . . .BlooD MasCarA. . .
2006-07-13 . chapter 3I would seriously had freaked if i was Rei. But i'd probably be a little flattered (this is Kai we're talking about), but more disturbed really. Very disturbing. But i don't think Kai's obsessed at all. I think that maybe he's doings something, like shooting a movie (well, not really shooting a movie, but i couldn't think of the word. o.O)I dunno.
Glad you updated, now update again!
...BlooD MasCarA... |
 Echo in the Dark
2006-07-12 . chapter 3Wow, I'd almost forgotten about this fic! When I saw the update I was very confused...
lol, but, awsome job!! -^^- This time, don't wait so long to update! I'm really getting into this!!
So, yanno...
UPDATE SOON!! |
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