Reviews For Chapter 2
Let's see... I guess I'll start from the beginning...

Woah! The first part is awesome! I like the way you started every paragraph with a one word sentence. The way you ended this part makes you want to keep reading...

Great description in the second part, always keeps a story interesting. (Though I think I liked the first part better)

I like the idea of having a good relationship between Locke and Lillin, instead of with him and another child. Sort of makes you feel bad for a fictional character.

It seems as though Lillin really knows what Locke is going through. I like that she can soothe him without really knowig his problems. It's almost like she's magical, or maybe it's the pendant ocarina...

Looking forward to the next chapter!
xoxo

Darling,
I loved it! I don't know how you can manage to write things so interestingly, but keep doing it! Looking forward to reading the rest!
Luvs ya!
Your future bride!;)

I think that's the best chapter so far!:D I really like how you wrote the beginning of it! :D:D:D
Acutally the first chapter doesn't really need action, but the chapters with action usually end up being my favorites in fanfics cuz that's one of the main things I like.
Welpers, please keep up the AWESOME work and UPDATE SOON! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Let it commence. -clears throat-

-"Looking up through the raindrops" Verb phrase. Need a comma at the end.
-"and the next it flashed a bright white" Independent clause. Should be preceeded by a comma.
-"Two figures were close, one on each side." It just doesn't compliment your skill. Consider revision. Maybe, "There were two close figures, one on either side." Or something. Just doesn't sound quite right.
-"Though they were blurred" Adjective phrase. Comma after.
-"breathing returned to it's normal pace" Possesive form of "its". No apostrophe.
-"He had been dreaming again. The same dream as every other night." The latter is a fragment. Consider revising into a single sentence. Here, it is possible with a comma, and you won't lose much of the effect, if any.
-"his orange shirt then he pulled" Use a comma to further separate the two clauses. A tranisitional word alone doesn't quite get the job done.
-"ladder as we walked" That's just an error.
-"her long emerald green hair being softly stroked by her delicate cream-skinned hands as she wore a look of concern on her face." As my grammar check would say, "something something something passive tense". Try, "her cream-skinned hands softly stroking her long, emerald hair as she wore a look of concern on her face." Maybe she has an expression of concern across her delicate countenance instead?
-"Locke always thought she blended into nature so well thanks to her love of the colour green and how well it looked on her." Something about it just seems wonky...
-"Over the decade he had spent at Hidden Wood" Pause. Need a comma at the end.
-"half way" One word.
-"dome shaped" Hyphenation on your adjective phrase, right?
-"long pointed" Comma to separate your adjectives.
-"slightly disappointed look but the children" Comma to separate the clauses again.
-"the nature" 'Nature' doesn't really need an article before it. You can leave it, but it just doesn't seem quite right to me.
-"alright" I HATE THIS ERROR! I don't know how it got to be so popular, but it's two words and those two words are "all right".
-"His eyes gave the ground ahead of his feet a troubled look as he walked." I don't know about that one... You could get the point across so much more easily. This way is a little confusing.
-"alright" YOU DID IT AGAIN!
-"sound like much but it did" You and those commas. When you have a conjunction preceeding an independent clause, you need a comma.
-"it's" The possesive "its" again.

And with that, my suggested editing is complete. Now, onto compliments! I love the raininess-ness-ness description at the very beginning, and kudos for knowing of the existence of the pendant ocarina! You've conveyed mood very well throughout, giving a nice look at Locke's inner-ness-ness. Lillin seems a little old to be Saria's counterpart, and their relationship seems almost borderline pedophilia. But hey, who am I to judge content? It's your story. I'm just here to mutilate every little minute error.

Nice work, though. ^^

WOW. You did an incredible job with using awesome description throughout this chapter...especially at the beginning, I was totally blown away! ^.^

One problem though...At one point it refers to the relationship between Lillin and Locke as that of a mother and son and then...in that last section it refers to Lillin as Locke's best friend. I'm sure that's possible and all but it just seemed kinda...I dunno...

Welp, that was definitely an awesome chapter so be sure you keep up the great work! ^.^

well you have my attention, you have a way of making a simple tale sound like an epic legend. as i do not know much of MM i am sure that i'll find surprises after surprises in this fic. i'll be sure to reveiw every chapter, good luck and happy writing.

I only just noticed you updated, otherwise I would have reviewed sooner. Oh well. As usual, excellent writing, and especially the description.

"Locke's eyes opened wide as his head snapped up to face the still closed entrance to the room but he quickly relaxed." There's something in that sentence that doesn't sit right with me. I think it might have been better if it was "Locke's eyes opened wide and his head snapped up to face the closed entrance to the room. He quickly relaxed." Maybe it's just me, though.

I look forward to the next chapter - Crazymark.

I'm sorry dude, but I have nothing critical to say about this thing. It's great, really. Love it. ;P

~You can't kill me, I'm you!~
ERZLO

Wow, Angel. I'm liking it so far!

The description of Locke's dream was very vivid; you had me right there with him, standing in the rain with a the crash of thunder echoing through the night.

I didn't find any word clumps. Have you tried double-spacing between words to 'unclump' them? That usually works for me.

Haha, I can't wait to see more!
Sorry I didn't review this sooner!
See you next chapter!

very good very good. I like it and its pleasing to the eye. Please do keep writing :)

Hey Angel. I've skimed the last chapter over. That's good. Now I am moving on to chapter three. Hmmz...I better start reading it.

Thunder, noise, questions, movement, voices, light and pain. All similar to what Link went through during his dream. You have a very interesting writing style. You break your chapters down into a few parts, but each are captivating. It's kinda creepy. Locke also saw the triforce on his hand, and a fairy. Interesting. Foreshadowing.

(Saria's song plays)

Hey, I like that caretaker's name. Nice one. Anyways, very nice descriptions on the bond the two of them share. It seems like a tacit bond because Locke is shy. But, it is cute nonetheless. It's nice that she's there to be his friend. His Hyrule-other Link really didn't have anybody, unless you can count Saria. I never got the impression the other Kokiris were all super nice to him (probably learning from Mido). Speaking of which, the last lines in this second part were good. That was when you described what the other kids thought when they saw Locke walk past with Lillin. It was a perfect description of what slightly ignorant kids would think.

Oh, and I don't want to pick at slight errors, but I think you said you wanted to hear about them. Seven paragraphs down in the second section, it says, "Locke's wides opened wide..." Did you mean his eyes opened wide? I don't know. I just thought I'd mention it.

(Blares music that Seraph would NEVER pick)

The third section was kind of sad, but I saw it coming. Locke, like you said, is reclusive. And he didn't feel the need to share the horrible dream with Lillin, and it seems its because he didn't want her to worry.

(Plays American National Anthem)

Aw, the last section was so nice. Again, you've accomplishe more with four paragraphs than a lot of people can with fourhundred. I now see Lillin is the Saria. She's got the instrument, the kindness, and even the look...and the tree stump. I really feel sad for Locke. The kid has grown on me.

Nice job, Angel. Please write more, but take your time. Me likes the Quality-with-a-capital-Q.

-LilliAn

That was a good chapter!
I liked it. You brought his counterpart into it now as well and showed there is a link between them and so forth..

God job with this chapter Angel. I actually felt really calm reading the ending of it...how weird lol. I also like the dream, good job ^_^. Please update soon.

Well, Angel, my cousin gave me your emial, and she said she wanted to read the second chapter with me so we could do a review together. I didn't think it was possible that anyone could read slower than me, but I was wrong. SHE can. I'm reviewin' on my own, and if she has a problem with that...then maybe she should have thought about that when she gave me the right to use her screen name. So here I am, nea ha ha, and I must read your story.

...(crappy elevator music blares)...

Okay, I am at the first line. Creepy, Angel, very creepy. There are so few words actually said aloud, but they speak more than pointless ramblings some authors do. It's very eerie to imagine two people speaking the same thing at the same time in the same place...but different demensions. (It reminds me of something my dad and I watched on some educational station. You see a cup of water, and about seven different people reaching for it and taking it, but they were all from different demensions it time, or something.)

...(Blares Elvis music)...

Holy Hell! It's Mark! It's very unusual to see Mark as a kiddo. But he did strike me as the Leader type, from what I've seen of him as a twenty year old. (For the time that he's awake, of course). I like the descriptions of Fae looking for Locke. 'Twas nicely written. It's easy to picture the frustrated girl because everybody's seen someone like her, or has actually BEEN like her before. But now, where is Locke? I must read on.

...(Plays Canadian National Anthem in honor of Angel's boys)...

Wow, lovely way to tell us where Locke was. Instead of saying "Locke is over here", you gave a good description of Hidden Wood. You killed two birds with one stone. The orphanage itself seems like a decent place. The kids sound happy, that is. I guess it's like the Kokiri of Hyrule in its own way. And Locke, like Link (say THAT three times fast...it's not hard, or anything, it just sounds stupid) is haunted with the nightmares.

This was obviously well thought out. I hate it when people post random crap they spewed out in like, ten minutes. This shows careful consideration on your part. I really want to see more of Mark, because...well, it's Mark. Also, I'd like to hear about Dori and Fae. I'm trying to picture one of them as the Mido-ish character (Dori) and the other as a Saria.

I didn't find any mistakes. Granted, I didn't look. But none jumped out at me, or anything. Whenever you post chapter two, I'll be paying attention!

-Lillian was here

Angel of Atonement, true to my word, I have shown my face here at your story. And guess what!! I'm gonna give you a review too!

Okay, I'm about four paragraphs into it. Normally, I would have interrupted my reading sooner to leave you some random crap comment, or another, but I find myself horribly engrossed in this story. (How, you might ask, did I tear away to write this? Well, I'll tell you...don't ask.) Anyways, I've never played the game where Termina is the setting, but this description was well done. You didn't cut corners, so someone like me had no trouble comprehending. I guess it must be good storyteller genes on your part. (Thank yo mama). Also, I think its mad wierd that Termina and Hyrule are...like, on the smae plot of land.

The way 'destiny' is described is chilling. It's more like a living thing than a force. It's creepy to think of it like that, but that's how it is, and that's how it affects Link...and you're getting to that.

So Link was basically chosen at random to be the Dude. (And yes, that's Dude with a caps D). They, the gods/esses needed a mortal to keep the peace, and they chose him. How...random. But there was the other Dude too, which I've just read about. The Terminian Dude.

So now your fic is going to be about this other Dude. How interesting! You want feedback, I'll GIVE you some friggin' feedback! This Terminian fellow will obviously be the Link of his country. But, if you created him (if YOU created him) than he will probably be the anti-Link. Now I am curious. I must read on. Ta ta.

Lillian has left the building.