420am I finished this story after about 3 days. And I cried for at least 3 chapters... you made the characters so real I could feel them and my heart bleeds for them. Immortality is something everyone thinks about but never considers the pain it would cause to live forever. Your original character made me feel as a mortal I should value my life every moment. Life without love would truly be hell.. Yes I see that now. Thank you for this piece of inspiration.

Amanda

I was wondering if you were still going to publish this story. I know it's been a long time but I would still like to see it in it's entirety and final form. Just letting you know that this story hasn't been forgotten. _

“A lot of people are idiots when it comes to love, Krillin, and most of them look for a pretty face or a nice body. It’s not until later that they realize that trust, honesty, caring, and love are more important. You did the right thing, and ChiChi and Bulma are right. You deserve better.”

May I use that quote for an essay I'm doing? Great story so far! back to the story!

kind of a Half-Mary Sue

She made two of the main char's fall in love with her (Goku an Vegeta)

She beat the 'Big Bad-Ass Boss' instead of of a main char or a super saiyan

She was *SO* beautiful that she had *VEGETA* intranced...doesent *THAT* tell you something?

I realized my previous review wasn't constructive enough as it only brings up my annoyance with your Mary Sue character, Kurenai. I will bring up some extra points in this addendum. First of all, good job on your grammar and spelling. I didn't really notice too many glaring errors so your level is already higher than the average author. However, I noticed that you actually planned to publish this thing. First of all, what you write is fanfiction, which is a grey area, if not an outright illegal activity (albeit, ignored in most cases by the original creators). The only reason that legal action is not taken against most fanfiction writers is because it's a hobby that's done out of a love for the material and not done for profit. To try to professionally publish a fanfiction would also be taking liberties with ideas that are just not your property as obviously, Dragonball and Dragonball Z are copyrighted and are the property of Akira Toriyama. Secondly, even if you ignore the legalities of trying to publish a DBZ fanfic, no serious publishing house would actually accept your fanfiction. So if you seem to have found a publisher who will print your book, most likely it is a scam that is basically a vanity press. Or else, they don't have nearly enough the oversight that is required and you will STILL be in legal hot water for the fact that you are playing in someone else's sandbox without permission and attempting to profit from it. Really, this is not even flaming but just practical sense you should be aware of. I don't know how many people on don't realize it but no, disclaimers don't fully excuse any attempt to profit from their fanfics. Just because the original creators don't pursue legal action, the probabilities that they will take action against you increase exponentially when you do try to make an obvious attempt at profiting from it. Of course, this is if you try to publish without official sanction. But really, I doubt that official sanction will be easy to acquire- with your Mary Sue character and the way that you mess with already established timelines, relationships and characterizations just to make your original character that much more of a Mary Sue, I find it hard to believe Akira Toriyama and the other copyright holders will sanction the official publication of your fanfiction. Maybe you'd have more of a chance if you threw tons of money at them though. But even then, it's probably very unlikely- they would more likely hire a Japanese ghostwriter and then translate it to English over hiring some fanfiction author.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that you don't seem to know much Japanese. Like, what you seem to know seems to be based off of observations of anime and not from some study of the actual language. Your names don't really make much sense- they seem like they were conglomerates of sounds you thought were cool or of words that you combined to make some compound word. And really, that's not how Japanese names work so it's very distracting. You should notice that most of the DBZ names themselves aren't even traditional Japanese names so it's just more glaring when your original characters have names that are mock Japanese. Except for Kurenai, which I suspect, you just ripped off from another popular anime (ahem, ninjas). And Shiryu? Um... I can see what your name is supposed to convey but really all Shiryu would mean is "Dead Dragon" and not the Dragon of Death that you were going for.

Your prologue was pretty well written if over the top melodramatic so I was pretty displeased to find that instead of the adventure epic it promised, your story was just some epic about how your original character, Kurenai, proceeds to conquer the DBZ verse. Although, really I shoulda been warned by that title...

Frankly, the original DBZ's focus was on the fighting and adventure and not on personal stuff like relationships and stuff. I think your fanfiction is unduly influenced by special brand of DBZ fanon. I find your characterization of Goku out of character because he is meant to be naive, innocent but a great fighter who always tries his best to beat the odds. I really doubt that he'd come out of his natural stupor to notice some other woman other than Chi Chi. For crying out loud, he got exposed to the biggest pervert out there (and his pervert friends) and was completely oblivious! The only time he seems to snap out of obliviousness is for fighting.

And I don't think the Z fighters would just take in some unknown IMMORTAL girl for no reason whatsoever. All the Z fighters joined for a reason and the only reason Kurenai seems to have gotten accepted was that she seemed pitiful but really how pitiful can an IMMORTAL be. Plus, what the hell? I doubt the Z fighters would take in someone without knowing at least SOME of their history. Granted, they have done some dumb things but even with Vegeta, they knew enough about him to be able to at least semi-trust him as an ally.

By the way, your physical descriptions of Kurenai are laugh-inducing. You're trying to be vague and general enough to make sure she is beautiful but then you give random specifics that are hilarious like blue-violet eyes. Hello! That's indigo! And yeah, way to be obvious about how wonderful, beautiful and sympathetic your Mary Sue is.

Also, why the hell are you making Goku and Vegeta cheaters just to please your ego about how wonderful Kurenai is? Normally I don't think that looking or thinking is cheating but you're making them at the very least, emotional cheaters when in the original material, they don't seem to have strayed at all. Goku and Vegeta are determined and focused fighters and I think that carries over in all areas of their life. In Vegeta's case, it's his dedication to fighting that wars with his devotion to Bulma, which is already a huge conflict. I doubt he'd have much room for some out of nowhere girl. I doubt Vegeta falls in love at first sight- in fact, Goku didn't either! So I find it laughable that within 5 minutes of meeting Kurenai, Vegeta already finds himself torn between her and Bulma, who he's already had more time with and probably more rapport with.

Frankly, I don't know how to begin with constructively criticising your fanfiction because your Kurenai is a Mary Sue to the Nth degree. It's done in a more literate form than most fanfictions but it doesn't hide the fact that she's still a Super Mary Sue. Until you tone it down, I doubt that you'll get much more than the squealing of fan girls who'll lap this stuff up without thinking about it. Much less, your goal of an officially sanctioned DBZ book.

I'm really sorry but I wish it was obvious that the AU here was so AU that your original character was a Mary Sue. Although I guess it's my fault since the odds are against me in that most original characters seem to be Mary Sues. Other than that though, you do show promise. I just wish that if you felt the need to warp the DBZ universe, why you can't just use the creativity as an original story. Although the very premise of DBZ does lend itself to Mary Sue-isms and deus ex machina type plots due to the intrinsic nature of the Dragonballs. But I do wish that I don't have to hear about how great and how loved Kurenai is. It really puts a casual reader off.

Fantastic. I enjoyed spending my time to read this. I truly thought Omega couldn't be killed. Also makes you wonder if Goku met up with Kurenai after he was killed by Perfect Cell... Hmn...

Exceptionately well-written chapter. I love the story, but two minor details that need to be fixed come to mind, all involving power levels. I believe you stated that Kurenai was human, though she has abilities rivaling the middle-low range of the Z Senshi. Glass would not harm a Saiyan, and though she's human, her sparring would make her *infinitely resistant towards glass, right(Assuming humans have an unlimited, albeit slow, power potential)? Goku's 20 min. to the lake shouldn't spent Vegeta going about 32 (But you probably have this written for a reason, i.e. Goku's faster). I've seen in many stories, Oh My 'God', replaced by 'Kami' (Since Kami is the God in the Dragon Ball Universe). And I believe, though Yamcha was nearly shot in the beginning chapters, his superior strength would prevent him from being killed by bullets.

But other than that, enough reviewing; I've got chapters to read! Thanks for the engrossing story, I *LOVE IT! - !

I loved *EVERY second of that chapter! Well written, you've got the rhythm of the characters down, the humorous storytelling segments that Akira himself would put in and the gentle taboo of sex to top it all off. It was also great how you described simple set-ups (such as the volleyball net) and made it fast paced. I can picture, in animation, how long the screen time is for such mundane events for the series. This would have to be one of the better chapters in here.

P.S. Good job. Vegeta eventually did become stronger than Goku in this amount of time.

SIMPLY WONDERFUL...

BUA WHY WHY WHY! IM SO SAD (WHERERE MY CHOCOLATES?) BUA!

PLEASE MADE A HAPPY AND BEAUTYFUL FANFIC WHERE BE A HAPPY END

IM SO SAD :_(

ATTE YO

that ws a godd chapter.she has potintal wil gohan and picolo be the oly oones traning her or will vigeta help too.

I really don't know what to say to this fic. All along you've done great, but those last too chapters are... I don't know how to say it, they're just something... more. This would make one *hell* of a movie.

i wonder what will happen next.will they gho up to kamis lookout and summun the eternal dragon.will he know whats going on and or how to reverse the effects.

very deap beggvining.iw onder ho the dragon chose as his champion.

they should have named him then they wouyld have gotten their wish mabe.

Hey!

The prologue to your story was really entertaining; you know your grammar (thank God SOMEone on this site does). I had a moment of forboding when I saw the name that the dragon gave as the one that he would choose as his avatar (kudos to you for actually using that word and using it correctly - you don't know how happy it makes me to find a well-written fanfiction); immediately I thought, "Mary Sue . . . ", and Mary Sue stories, 99% of the time, don't sit well with me. But I decided to deal with it and continue reading, because maybe she wouldn't be a a Mary Sue to the point where I couldn't tolerate her.

And then . . . I read "Living Arrangements."

Now, don't get me wrong, I thought the scene where Kurenai comes out of the bathroom all spiffied up was amusing, but I was still severely dissappointed with the fact that she's pretty. They're ALL pretty. Gorgeous. Fantastic. Smooth, raven hair and a busty, round figure. It's just not origonal, for one thing. I mean, is it nessecary to the plot that she's a sparkling diamond of beauty?

That's not to say that she has to be a fat, ugly, vision of hell. But put a little more thought into her facial structure. Even better, if you're dead set on having her be ultra-attractive, describe her features so that the person gets the idea that she's beautiful without you actually saying that. "High cheekboes, sharp chin, (NEVER give a character almond eyes. That has been done to death and beyond), long nose, round nose, thin nose, arched eyebrows, straigh eyebrows, (and don't give all these at once, mind - if even in the story she does something with her eyebrows, wait until then to describe them, unless it's, say, the last chapter or somthing), low cheeckboes, a weak chin, hallow cheecks, plump cheecks, narrow/piercing eyes, round eyes, thin lips, thick lips, ludicriously lucious lumpy lips; the combinations are endless. Don't confine yourself to "she was in a class of her own." i will personally be much less annoyed at "high cheeckbones, plump cheecks, and a sharp chin" than "class of her own".

Anyway, I'm going to keep reading to see how this turns out, because it IS possible to write a fine Mary Sue story (hey, Anne McCaffrey did it, and I enjoyed it), you just have to disguise and downplay the Mary Sue-ness as much as possible.

I hope this helped you, whether you take this advice or not, and I do hope you get published!