HEY love the story so far its going well tell me when u add more kk

ahh :tries to bribe with cookie: update? c'mon, if i could, anyone can!

i'm liking this lots. lots of questions being raised, which is great, and this chappie is very well written. one thing: amaya's got one heck of a house! i wish my house was that cool. one more thing: in this chap, amaya (i'm guessing it's her in the flashback) is much more relateable(sp?) and less mary-sue-ish-ey by a long shot. keep it up .

cliffie i'm a bit confused because of the formatting-not just starting a new paragraph when someone speaks, but makig things flow a bit more. for ex:

"Yo! What’s up?” Jou said in a heavy Brooklyn accent. “Hi. Nice to meet all of you.”

is that amaya replying? or jou saying hi to amaya?

They went outside and sat under a tall cherry tree and began to eat lunch. They all had questions about America.

if you wanted, you could combine the two into "outside, they sat under a tall cherry tree to eat their lunch; everyone had questions about america."

that's just personal preference, though, and other than those two i love your style. this is showing signs of some serious plot, and while we're getting some bits here and there on what's going on, it's just enough to keep a reader coming back without giving too much away. my fav. part: Those soft, crimson eyes, so full of love and mirth. Then, those same eyes, glazed, lifeless…soulless. just for that awesome part i give you not just any cookie-but a chocolate chip cookie! -hands jenn cookie-

heheh...the day hadn't started off too bad. i like that line. i've never read any of the books and don't know the characters, but i'd say that's a nice start to a story. you did a good job of describing the characters instead of taking for granted the reader already knows who they are, although i do agree it's a bit mary-sue-ish. i don't know anything about the characters or their personalities, so i can't really help there-i'm guessing most people happen to have really cool hair colors? the best thing i can say is try to humanize amara a bit, making her more of a relatable person and not so idealized. but i give you a cookie ]

I hoped you Fix your stories, Because we look forward to see chapter 5 in The Past Returns. P.S. I loved your stories.

NO don't reposted it! *turns chibi runs around in circles and cries* -1 hour later- *gets tired* hope u Update soon -.-' I think I know what a Mary Sue is I think -.-' I'm hopeless.

A Mary Sue? What the heck is that? *twitch*

0

What we have here, dear, is a classic case of a good story, a good plot line, a possibly good character but slightly poor follow through. What I say next is only to help you:

1) Try working on typos. They can be slightly confusing, though I feel slightly hypocritical because every chapter of every story I write has at least one typo. ( I'm a hypocrite. I'm going to go cry in a corner now... *runs away and cries*

Okay I'm back. D

2)Your Mary Sue might be a little set back in trying to make a successful story. Though it is very possible to write a very nice story with a Mary Sue, people get annoyed that your OC has no flaws, including looks and disposition, and is possibly loved by more than three of the other characters. Not to say you have to make your character morbidly obese and a wretched person to have to read about, but try and make her more human. Readers can relate to that a little more. Making you character able to thrash someone who is bullying Yuugi really doesn't fit seeing as a) he's really not a bully-target anymore and b) Atemu, Tristan, or Joey could defend him.

3) When a character speaks, unless that same person is going to talk again or you're planning on adding detail to what the character is doing or the character's surroundings, you should start a new paragraph. Two people talking in the same paragraph is not only poor structure, it's also very confusing.

Now, the way you made the show's characters act was very accurate (excluding Joey, Atemu, and Tristan's mysterious absence during the bullying episode) and you do seem to have a sweet story going, if I'm not missing any important plot twists. Amaya seems like she will make a very good OC if you take her Mary Sue-ness down a couple of notches, and you'll have a winner.

With love,

Yuki (aka Silver Toxic Twilight)

PS Thanks a million for reading my story and reviewing! Double that thanks for adding me to your favorite author's list.

I like it update soon!

you better write more your great and i better see my name writen on those friends who reviewed.I reaLLY LIKE story so please write more soon out._

not bad.. keep it up!

-flamescythe

great story. update soon PLEASE :)

YAY! - Great job!

I thought your story was great please keep writing.k.