Haven't reviewed in a while, but I liked this chapter. This line is just pure gold:
“To be honest I have no idea. That huge guy popped out of the nowhere and tried to hit me with that odd weapon. I just ran from him. In some point of the chase your friends appeared and I decided to try killing the guy.”
It does have some grammar mistakes tat could have been avoided though.
Good chapter. Nice portrayal of life other than the Hanagumi. And the part about the Hanagumi's real feelings towards each other is a real shocker. I'm itching to see what is the true story behind this all.
The premise of a bodyguard/investigation agency in the Sakura Wars world sounds interesting and exactly what is thier connection with the strange symptoms that the Hanagumi members are facing?
Your english has improved and it's much better to read, though I know its hard for you since English is your second language.
I just wanted to point out something though, just a nitpick; the Thompson does not fire 9mm rounds, but rather the more powerful .45 ACP. Not that the vest can't stop it anyway...
AH... this is so intriging! I can't wait to see what happens next, you really got me now. This time the story overruns everything.
Sumire is really a reck, but i felt like being in a classical British novel from thelast century almost... nice. And the perfumes were such a good twist.
Anyways, can't wait to find out the secrets of the Theatre.
Keep up the great work!
Best wishes, SilverBlue
P.S.: If you ever need an editor - I'm the first in line. ;o)
Hm.. this tory sounds a bit like a cross between ST ans Shingetsutan Tsukihime... hm... maybe I'm wrong...
Read this chapter and I'm glad to see things are moving along. I was surprised to Sumire break down like that, but as they say, no person is an island. Can't wait for the next chapter and yes it would be a real help if you send me some stuff about Sailor Moon.
The plot is developing interestingly. I'm really curious about this FATE organization, I'm sure that the abriviation isn't coincidential.
Placing Benji's thoughts was kind of funny, it made reading this resemble watching an anime. However at some point it got a bit too much and sort of annoying.
BUT... on the other hand your grammar and language is deteriorating. There were sentences I had to read maybe 10 times to understand what they meant. This time it was really frustrating reading your story. I was concidering making a list of your mistakes but when i reached the end of the chapter, i saw it would take me forever so i left the idea. I'll just highlight a few right now:
- tense usage
- preposition usage - there aren't such thing as 'ask to', 'say to', 'enter on'... Gosh there are so many more that i can't really remember them right now...
- phrasal verbs usage
- pronoun usage - you can't say us when it's in the role of subject in the sentence, and us isn't third person singular, so 'us doesn't' is totally impossible
- punctuation usage - you've missed a hell lot of commas, and it makes a difference
'He says to Alexia confusion' - this doesn't make any sence; 'Ris is the boss ward' - gees, ward is a department, so to speak, of a hospital...
you can't use 'or' and 'aka' one after the other, i't either one or the other...
'I am on that program have a couple of years' - this sentence is an absolute stupidity, regarding grammar and regarding the English language as a whole this is impossible and an outrage - 'I'm in the programme since a couple of years' should be the right statement.
you can't construct questions; you miss pronouns, which is recommended in Portuguese but absolutely forbidden in English...
Don't forget that you can't directly translate from one language to another after all...
Well, this ended up being more than a highlight but anyways, there are huge mistakes there and it's just not fun reading it like this... You can do better. The story has potential. If you fix the problems, it can become real good. Why don't you have someone check it up for you, pre-read it or something. Just a thought _
Though i have to say that there certainly is a mostl probably quite good mystery in the making in this story and probably a horror too, you certainly are going worse.
I hope you don't take this as a flame but instead give it some though.
You grammar has gone from average in stories such as the Violet saga, to worse in your previous few fics to an absolute awful here. I mean, honestly open a grammar book and find out what is the usage of present simple tense. A good look over the use of prepositions might also be a good idea. Don't take it personally but if you keep going this way, it will be an insult to the people who read your stories.
Moving on... I might be wrong of course, but i very much doubt that Sakura will ever call Kazuma 'daddy', more like 'father'... This is absolutely out of her character at all...
Next off... Since i doubt Sumire will drink a typically Central European (Czech, if i have to be exact) drink as absinth just for fun, especially in such a situation, i guessed that you used it to make her vomit. This is totally absurd. Firstly, even in legends absinth was never said to have this effect.Causing hallucinations, addiction and even death yes, but nothing more. Besides it was proven that this is incorrect.
It might be a good idea to check what you are writing about before you do to avoid things like that. I suggest http:/en. this page - it's a very complete enciclopedia and it saves a lot of time and trouble.
I hope you give all this at least a thought. After all what good is something if you don't give it your best? And i doubt this is your best. I would really hate it if it would become hard for me to read your stories... but as it is, things are going in that direction.
"The quick job is a shame for the master" we say in my country. Don't let your stories become a shame for you.
A very interesting starting chapter. This has left me wanting more... What is exactly this mysterious 'white substance'? This reminds me of a previous sakura wars/Aliens crossover, but it'll be interesting to see how it all comes out.
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