Oh My Goodness. This has got to be one of the best NGE fics I've read, not just the best NGE Self-Insert fic I've seen. It is amazing!
A worthy companion to the original series. Like watching the original and alternate endings for you favorite show, and liking them both.
I can't wait for you to finish your re-write of this story! Hope to see more soon.

I'll have to admit i am quite disappointed, you have talent, and wasted it. By trying to keep your character not a "mary sue" you basically killed all interaction with other characters, to the point were it could drop dead and not affect the story(you know what i mean). The end effect rather that a fanfic, was simple plagiarism having the original story retold by passive narrator.

Alright I can't read another word of this without dying from boredom, so I'm stopping here.

This is a first-person perspective piece of fanfiction. Where is the internal conflict? I think I'm seeing traces of SOMETHING, but it is nowhere near feeling conflicting for the character you have "inserted", supposedly as yourself.

It reads more like a step-by-step diary of events by a character SO concerned with not affecting the time-line that absolutely nothing interesting happens. The character just... watches. And even with that, there's no internal dialog or commentary to speak of. A little here and there, but nothing interesting or substantial or pertinent to character or plot development.

This really needs work. Badly.

It's like you have your character just reciting the series events back to us with only very slight changes. Boring. S/He needs to affect things differently SOMEHOW. That's why people READ FANFICTION. OK, maybe she does affect something substantially in the next chapter that I'm probably not going to read, but honestly, nine whole chapters before anything interesting happens? This whole thing needs to be seriously re-worked.

I'll cut you one break. Writing first-person is hard. Very hard. Especially a self-insertion. Given that, you should have at least tried to get help from someone who has experience with writing first-person, at the very least. Your efforts alone are nowhere near acceptable from a writers standpoint. If you DO have pre-readers, I recommend getting new ones, as the ones you have now are of lesser skill as a writer than you yourself, or don't understand what it means to do pre-reading or draft-checking and are only checking for grammatical problems and spelling errors.

I think the main problem here might be a lack of fleshing out of story ideas before sitting down and writing. Lack of sufficient planning as it were. It's like with programming. Programmers should design their software completely - flow-charts, object model diagrams, use-case scenarios, pseudo-code - before typing a single line of actual programming code (is it apparent I'm a software engineer by trade?). Writers as well should have their entire story - plot, characters, character development, timelines, arcs, what have you, events affecting all of these things, and general fillers between all of it - figured out and written out in skeleton form on paper/computer before sitting down and actually writing the prose and dialog and filling in the little details and character interactions. Sure, it's a lot of extra typing and writing, but it's really what is needed in a lot of cases. Some of my original short stories have ended up being less than half the size, in words typed, than all of the preparatory materials for that work combined, but the story was better for it.

Your command of English, grammatically, is fine - readable, clear, concise; but you need to work on your command of the mechanics of writing. That's all. You could be a really good writer if you just exercise some skills in that area.

Dude... after reading your fic a few months ago, and deciding that it was probably one of the best self-insert fics I have ever read, I have to say that this final chapter perfectly summed up everything about Nagato Noriko's 'life'.

Brought tears to my eyes, man.

Don't ever stop writing. It would be such a loss if you did. I look forward to your next great work...

I keep wondering why in the name of Hell that damned penguin is following Noriko.

I really like this. I really haven't seen anything like it before. I would like to see a continuation of. Please keep writing.

haha nice add on. If you decide to make more cool goodies based on that (NPE), I will read it for sure!

well it was funny cause i was listening to it when i started reading this, Flight Of Icarus ("Piece Of Mind") {Iron Maiden} ^_~

Hehehe.

Impressive surprise.
Short but Intense.

I love this add-on.

That was a really cool way to end it.

Nice epilogue chapter there and interesting use of the Iron Maiden song :P

Do I get an internets or am I too late?

Nothing else to say, it was just a nice addition.

I like the little add-on at the end. I'd like to see another of your works be something like this (read: EPIC!). And if you ever need a pre-reader Dartz just drop me a line.

Peace,

-J

Touching, nostalgic and very fitting. That message part was great. Isn't it from Iron Maiden's Flight of Icarus?

A different ending than I would've expected from an SI.

I was afraid you really would just have it as 'all a dream'. This works too, and isn't something I've seen before.

So you never existed then, is that it?

Splendid work! Quite a fantastic story with numerous twists and turns - if you'll excuse the clichéd review phrases. I liked how you bent up canon and did things that expanded on scenes "not seen" in the actual series. Also, the ending was quite unique and very well done, though I won't expand on that in order to keep from spoiling people who haven't seen the story through to the end. Don't worry about people considering this a Mary Sue-ism; this, like some others in the same sub-genre, goes completely against all the things that people consider bad about self-inserts.

Oh, and congratulations! :)