  mintcandy 2006-06-29 . chapter 1Wootness! Raven n Joy all deh way! ...This is a really good story, so cute how Rae's all hysteric 'bout the kiddies not being there. Hehehe, poor Joey, he so sick, someone should send him a card...whelp, please continue!!
~Love and Peace |
| The Kaiser Marcus 2006-04-22 . chapter 1 Alright well, it does warm my heart to see such things as Jericho/Raven sprout up here and there, so this story sort of demanded to be read/reviewed by me. Now, onto it.
You have a few things going good with the story, and a few problems. First off, all the characters seem to be in-character for the most part. There are however, a few problems just with Raven's actions/
First off, Raven does not laugh so much as giggle, the latter after all is more feminine, and at her age more appropriate. It also is more characteristic for her to have shorter, controlled laughs, which is more what a giggle is. Secondly, just watch it on the maternal actions, don't go too overboard. You did fine here, but just keep it as is, not super-motherly, I'd suppose.
Other things, there needs to be more detail here. Instead of just saying "The door to the elevator opened." put in how the doors slid apart from each other, the sounds they made.
Along the lines of detail, put more into the characters. When Melvin says hi to Robin, have her act like a little girl, have her wave and perhaps dance a little. When characters are annoyed or upset, have their faces and body language speak it for them. Have an impatient person tap their foot, or an angry person tense up, their eyebrows narrowing. When they're sad or worried, show that through unanticipated actions, nervous ones, that sort of thing.
So in short, add more detail, more actions, and more to each sentence or paragraph, so that there's more to draw the readers in on and such. It's pretty good so far, but just things like that need to be done, to make it even better.
Keep going, I'll be on the lookout for this moreso.
~T.K. |
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