Thanks for changing this - it's good to see an author listen to constructive criticism!

I'm off to check out chapter 1 now :)

Yay~

I agree with everyone here. This story needs a lot of work. Instead of telling you what's wrong, i want to help.

-First off, the main character. She needs serious work.I would start by either making her a fairy or rider,not both. The curse thing is sue-ish and unnecessary. If you want to affect her social standing( which i would not do), Have someone in her family commit or framed for a crime.
She is WAY too special. She has no limitations and is unbelievably perfect. Give her a REAL weakness. Like clumsiness, arrogance, slow-to-learn, etc.
-Grammar. 'nuff said.

You should get a bata reader or a friend who's not afraid to give you constructive criticism to review your story and help you realize the bad stuff.

An update! Will wonders never cease.
Well. This chapter...was...hmm. I dunno. The moving of the plot was good, but it was somewhat of a too-much-happening-at-once kind of chapter.

BOOUT BLOODY TIME YOU UPDATED! lol, just saying... sad chapter, how can the elves be so cruel? *sniff* and eragon dead! things better get better!

A bit subservient, isn't she?

That...was quick...

Oh, yes, and Drayna, despite being a girl and cursed, gets to be "speshul" all the time. Here are some examples. (Note: I may repeat what I said in the first post. Just play along.)

1. Being cursed in the first place

2. Being a Dragon's helper (Yeah, so what if Fres is too?)

3. Being friends with a dragon AND a werecat

4. Being captured and forced to do stuff (Yeah, that's a Sue characteristic, suffering abuse)

5. She secretly knew the Ancient Language

6. She became a rider, even though fairies weren't included in the spell.

7. Her dragon could speak as a hatchling, even though Saphira took a month or two. Intelligence doesn't cover that; though dragons learn quickly, they at least must have, I would say, a month and a half to pick up the language.

8. As a side note, but a very important one, it is BID'DAUM, and he is WHITE. Not a BLACK Bid'DRaum.

9. "Sweet laughter?" Give me a break.

10. She won her first sword fight. A few paragraphs ago she didn't even know how to hald a sword. Right after, a guy punched her so hard she was lying in a pool of her own blood. NOBODY CAN PUNCH THAT HARD!

11. No dragon would stand for nicknames. If they did, Doometh would be Doom.

{*growls*}



So, Bid'Daum, not Bid.

That's only for the first FIVE chapters. You need some work, if you hadn't already figured that out.

Se Wyrda Draumr,
Epiphany~

Draye, you've got the facts all wrong.

Before I go on, please understand that this is not a flame. Flames are just telling someobdy something like "This story sux and u should delete it lyke now." This is constructive critisism (sp?) which I heard defined as "bringing someone down while telling them how to build themselves up." It other words, I'm telling you why your story is bad. With that over, to the review!

First of all, this "cursed and being teased" thing is overrated, overused, and boring.

Secondly, there are no known fairies in Alagaesia, and even if there were, they weren't included in the spell and couldn't be riders.

Thirdly, my dragon Doometh currently wants to torch your Drayna and her dragon. MARY-SUE ALERT! Although, if there is such a thing, she is original for a Mary-Sue, being the first FairyRider!Sue I've seen.

The plot could use work but is alright, I suppose. The time period I haven't seen before in a story, so it's fairly good.

But falling in love with the original Eragon--now that's bad. It has nothing to do with the plot, and the fact that Fres loves her makes it worse. Two men fighting over the same girl is cliche and so very Mary-Sueish.

Drayna is both beautiful, uncommon, a fairy (which as far as I know doesn't exist in Alagaesia), an impossible Rider (refer to the second reason), goes against her parent's wishes and the sexist culture of the fairies, and attracts both the original Eragon and everyone else. This all screams Mary-Sue.

Hibit is uncommonly intelligent for a dragon, it seems. This is also Sueish, as he is smarter than the month-or-two old Bid'daum (who, by the way, is white.)

You also used the wrong words, aka Vial should be Vile, and such, and your grammar could use a little work, to put it lightly, and no it doesn't make me giggle. It makes me get a headache and you should write fanfictions as if you were writing a book that would be seen all over the world.

Also, the ancient language is the only one that can be used for magic, so using "case" to make fire appear wouldn't work; it has to be "brisingr" or "istrali"(the latter being used in the prologue of Eragon.)

Thank you for reading this, and I haven't got a username, so you can't track me down! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Se Wyrda Draumr,
Epiphany

{And Doometh! *growls at Hibit* Back off, punk!}

Dude. WHAT THE HELL.

Oh my gosh, Drayna's a bad mary sue. But she is original, or at the very least, I haven't seen any Fairy!Sues in Eragon fanfiction before.

I'm confused, why is Traj always flying on Hibit? Isn't Shelly his dragon? Also, The first two times you typed Shelly, you spelt it Shally. Other than that, the chapter was good. I hope you update soon.
Signed,
V.H.

Hehe. His hair turned gray. Eragon's still mortal? Ouch...

SHORT. BORING. SUICIDAL. HE GETS HAPPY AGAIN TOO QUICKLY.
REVIEW MY BRAND-SPANKING-NEW CHAPTER DAMMIT.

:( Poor Traj. I never though he was eighteen!

it's the gedwae ignasia, not the gweld insignia