 Todd B. James 2006-08-28 . chapter 1Heh, nice one. I like the imagery of the grinning sun, as if the smiley face was Sol itself.
However, it does seem somewhat incomplete after reading for a third time. You've covered all the bases in terms of the gameplay, but it's almost as if there should have been one more quatrain. Perhaps this is just me wanting more.
There seems to be a theme that pervades the poem, one of a dire and doomed soldier conscripted to a suicide mission. I pictured the sweeper as one of the grunts from Saving Private Ryan, the netting around his steel helmet brushing the dusty ground as he searches for his next quarry. That sense of imminent mortality is encapsulated here as well, whether that of the soldier himself of his unfortunate successors, or both simultaneously, we don't know. Then again, perhaps we do.
My suggestion for your next project: chess. Yes, it is very cliche to attach literary connotations to that ancient game, but your nearly alchemic skills of turning absurd mundanity into gripping drama would do wonders in such a pre-staged arena.
Keep Writing!
-T.J. |