hey kool story!! kinda reminds me of my school sumtimes ahaha :D cant wait 2 read ur other fics... post son . .

i thought there would b more to this story, but u did say a day at school so yea. it was good for a first fic and im proud of u for finishing...i really should b working on mine come to think of it^.^ keep writing, im looking forward to seeing your next one.

nice nice, update soonish

very interesting story can't wait to read what happens as this story progresses. nice work

k, this is a quite a good plot line, but there are a few little mistakes that probably need to be fixed. firstly you've spelt 'break' (as in to break something) as 'brake' (the cars need new brakes), which is wrong. you've also used 'bra' for the second half of the story after using 'bulla' for the first half, you should choose one and make it the same the whole way through. there are also a few grammer and spelling mistakes scattered throughout (i can see 'replied pan very unhappy' right now, which should be 'replied pan unhappily'). really you just need to use a word processor with spell check on it before you put it up, or you should get someone else to read it and fix the grammar and stuff. you could also try filling it out a bit and split this into a couple chapters, right now it reads pretty fast which makes it seem as if there are more problems with it than there really are. but it is a good storyline, i suggest maybe just rewriting this first chapter and posting it again once you have fixed it up, but don't do that till you've had a few more reviews with some other people's opinions. good luck