Pretty good. But, I hate to say this, but this third chapter doesn't really grab my interest... Maybe I'm reading too many Full Metal Panic fanfics, because I like a lot of action. Interesting action. LIVE action. Oh, never mind.
A good effort, nonetheless. Keep it up. :)

True to the handwritten version. Not bad, not bad, considering the content. Keep it up! :)

Getting industrious lately, eh, Shinigami-kun? Can't you wait for your colleague to start writing too? *sniffs*
Anyway, about this fic... Something's wrong with some parts of the dialogue. Besides, that, you made this fic stay true to the original, thank goodness for that! And I'm very pleased that this is NOT another lemon fic! :P
All in all, a nice fic! Keep it up, Shinigami-kun! :)