Reviews for What was Made for Children

Reviews For: What was Made for Children - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Sedri 2007-11-29 ch 4,	abuseI very much like this story. Your characters - with a few exceptions - feel very realistic, and I'm very interested to see where this is going. I like Jack, though I do hope he'll decide to mature a bit before the story ends, and I like that he and Elle are very decidedly NOT in love, though the romantic in me hopes that eventually they will be. I also have criticism, and if this section is dauntingly longer, please remember that I'm an editor/proofreader by trade and rather obsessed with such things. To answer your question, Lis seems quite tangible, but Acton is a little one-dimensional. It'd be good if you could flesh out his history and how he came to think this way - some examples, maybe. As well as something about how Jack's managed to grow up with morals despite that. You've hinted a lot at the childhood of these characters, and I think now would be a good time to go into more depth about the past. Elle is definitely a character, as are Jack and Celene and Lis, though it's a bit early to tell for her, but I think you might be able to flesh out Angela and Fletcher and (especially) Roberta a bit more. It also strikes me as a bit odd that such vastly different personalities (and appearances, to some degree) would boil up in such a close-knit group. Certainly, they are all different people, but it might do you good to focus a bit on what about them is the same. Randomly, I'm also very curious as to who narrated the prologue - Lis or Angela? I suppose that might be a great, important plot point later, but I'm curious. The only thing that jarred me out of flow while reading was your long descriptions of each character's appearance. Certainly, as an artist I appreciate the detail, but these paragraphs are generally TOO long, and TOO detailed. Unfortunately, readers tend to picture characters their own way no matter what you say. I really think it would help keep the story's rhythm if you could boil these down to something like "blonde, with bright blue eyes and a lovely face", or something like that - excessive words like "crystalline blue" can start to feel silly and cliche after a while. Simply "blue" or "bright blue" works. Actually, what might be beter is if, instead of putting all description in at once, you could spread it out between dialogue a bit; such as: ...," said Celene, flipping her blonde hair aside. Or something like that. Of course, it wouldn't work for the details, but it's nice to spread little reminders of what is seen between what is said or done. ... And now you see why I made a career in this stuff. I just can't seem to shut up. Anyway, thank you very much for writing this, and I hope you're attacked by creativity muses soon, because I'd love to see more. Thank you! - Sedri
Dancer of the Opera 2007-09-11 ch 4,	abuseThis is such a great story, please don't abandon it!
Cards 2007-01-18 ch 4,	abuseOkay, I totally love this, I want to expound on its virtues. I will say that in the past 3 days I have reread the story about 5 times and have been using my spare time at work to think on it... Now I sound creepy... But what I mean to say is that I am loving every second and every charachter. I love the way that I abosolutly have to read every word and even though you don't go and explain everything about the universe I actually get it. Amazing work. Brava
MiraiYume 2007-01-08 ch 4,	abuseSLow updates happen, don't worry about it (I say because it is something I myself am guilty with!) I'm going to answer the questions in your rant, but before I do, I wanted to say how much I enjoyed this chapter! I felt it was well written and provided excellent details and insights! I do like the way the chapter ended if only because I think it describes Elle's and Lisabeth's sisterly relationship quite well. I like the fantasy aspect as well, really keeping with the idea behind Cinderella. Lis...I don't know. You described her as rather plain and that's how I feel about her. Which, really, is the point I think you were trying to get across anyways! I really liked your description of Acton though, like really. He seems like the perfect idea of a king, someone who knows what he wants and doesn't mind whatever happens. I'll end this novel of a review with this: Wonderful job and I look forward to the next update(whenever that may be!)
Backroads 2007-01-06 ch 4,	abuseWell, after catching up, I'm still impressed, especially on your writing. It's beautiful and professional, yet still has a splash of personal flavor here and there, which is a great and important addition that so many writers ignore in favor of "tradionally good" writing. I also admire your plot; I have no idea whether the twin concept has been done before with Cinderella (seems sometimes that every possible twist has been done) but who cares? This is still very well-done and you should be proud of it. I also like this plot, nice and complex with all the right intertwining mysterious. The addition of Lisabeth and that story as fantastic. You've also done a good job of establishing a gorgeous and plausible setting of your own originality. My only real complaint is concerning your characters. I don't know if you are trying a more subtle technique to match the writing, but the fact is that I still know next-to-nothing about any of them, save for some physical details and a few feelings. The latter is good, but it is still not enough to bring them to full-fledged three-dimensional. They all seem to be existing only for the plot and the passion.
Backroads 2007-01-06 ch 1,	abuseIt's wonderful as prologues go! Your writing style is very professional and beautiful, and you set up just the right tidbits to get me interested in the story (without blowing the whole concept). Sounds promising. I shall continue reading and figure out why this girl was never close to Celene; tis this duality that is most intriguing me.
Barbossa's Beloved 2006-10-29 ch 1,	abuseHello all fans of my friend here's work. Locket's been a little busy lately (whisper I think she is having a bit of writer's block ;) ) But, I assure you...well I'm pretty sure she is workin' hard. She has been telling me lately she is working out the plot in her head. She has been thinking up new characters (typical) etc. So, I will try to persuade her to write somemore soon. Very soon...well yeah!
Barbossa's Beloved 2006-10-26 ch 2,	abuseHey Locket, finally got a chance to REALLY read your story. Will talk more tomorrow on that topic but WOW, I feel lowly you have such a wonderful writing skill. I have an idea. You and I should make this a book and THEN make it a movie! -yay!- :-D good times in study hall, future director! -J
Barbossa's Beloved 2006-09-17 ch 3,	abuseHey Locket, what's this crap about "I know I suck at writing" I totally read your english paragraph about Jackel and it rocked. IF you wank sucky writing check out MY writing. :-D okay, enough of that. Love the story, you better update soon...or else...see you in study hall tomorrow WHERE I CAN HOUND YOU TO DEATH!!
Cards 2006-08-16 ch 3,	abuseLove it to death. Great great take on the oh so typical Cinderella story. I love it. More?!
MidnightBlue88 2006-08-06 ch 3,	abuseHm, not sure how I missed this since I'm pretty sure I have you on author alerts. To quote Shakespeare in Love, "It's a mystery!" "Her twin's affair had always amused Celene; particularly the fact that Elle could still get physical enjoyment from a boy close enough to her to be her brother." Ha, I was actually wondering that myself. In the last chapter, I remember being really surprised that they were sleeping together because their relationship seemed more like that of friends or siblings. Obviously, Celene has picked up on this, too. I'm also very intrigued by Celene's obsession with her money, and I'm really interested to find out what two items she's saving up for. I liked Elle's thoughts on body language, as well as her internal struggle over who was most worth respecting in the end--her mother's memory or her stepmother's authority. That was very well written and observed. I like that Angela talks "as if she were just tossing her words out into the air, not necessarily caring where they landed." Actually, I just like Angela. She's an interesting character. Interesting, also, that even Angela can see that Elle doesn't love Jack like a lover. Two keen observers can't be wrong, can they? Ha. I like that Elle accidentally insulted Angela, and that Angela took it in stride. A realist. I'm liking her more and more. That was a really good scene. "Disappointed, to see such a princely face, accompanied by such a princely purse?" Is that from Shakespeare? Sounds like something he would write, but I'm probably making an idiot of myself right now by asking. Great quote is what I really meant to say. ;) I liked Fletcher's dialogue a lot; it was really well-written and said a lot about his character. I also liked that last paragraph about Jack's father and "the idea that had always broken Jack in two". Great line, can I steal it for my own personal use? Just kidding...I think. Very, very good chapter. You're doing a great job with characterization and pacing, and your writing (by "writing", I mean technical writing: sentence flow, word choice, etc.) is very strong. I like that you're taking your time to develop the characters and set up the plot/conflict. This is an excellent story, and this chapter was worth the wait. I hope you can update soon.
MiraiYume 2006-08-04 ch 3,	abuseThis chapter was well worth the wait, I'll guarentee that! As usual, your character development is wonderful, and your introductions of Angela, Roberta and Fletcher were right on. I thought the beginning section with Celene was really well written...it was nice to hear a bit more from her point of view since the last two chapters seemed to focus way more on Elle, you know? Jack still amuses me, lol. And so, I really loved this update and this story...I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep up the great work!
Ardion Aklin 2006-08-01 ch 1,	abuseOh, that's a really good idea! I've never read anything like that befoe, so it's original as far as I know. Good work though! Sounds awesome. Nice mood you created there! xoxoxox
MiraiYume 2006-04-27 ch 2,	abuseWhat can I say? I'm enjoying this quite a lot! Your character development is extraordinary, and your writing skills are impeccable. You are also excellent with description. I don't have much to say in terms of constructive criticism. This was very well written, and you ended the chapter at the perfect place. I'm dying to know what happens next! NICE job!
MidnightBlue88 2006-04-25 ch 2,	abuseI liked the way you introduced Jack and Elle, especially Jack. This description intrigued me: "...he looked unfit for the extravagance of his attire, and much more fit for the torn hem of his breeches." Nice imagery, and a good clue into his character. I also LOVED your description of Celene, especially this: "...there was just something about Celene's apparent inconveniences that was altogether...too convenient." Very well put. I loved that it appeared that she used her looks to further her own ambitions. I'm intrigued by her already, especially after hearing about the business she's running in the basement. O.O I also loved this (this is really long, so hang on): "And that's all that Jack wanted to be. A child. The best times of his life all happened in his childhood, when Glasswen twin's parents were alive, when Celene preferred the sunlight to the firelight, when Jack's father was almost always away at the war, when Angela and Lisabeth were merely two playmates instead of the twins' stepsisters, when Elle had no reason to obey Roberta." That was really well written and very poignant. It sets up the situation and the conflict very nicely. I also loved that we have no idea that Jack and Elle are sleeping together until they kiss (loved the dialogue there, BTW). I was intrigued by her comment that they don't love each other, though. Was she teasing him, or does she really believe that she doesn't love him? scratches head Huh. Well, I guess I'll find out soon enough, won't I? ;) Your writing is very good, and the dialogue flows well, for the most part (although, you might want to be careful about phrases like "You want to put a wager on that?" because they sound a bit modern). My only other suggestion would be to watch for things like this: "He got up abruptly." 'Got up' is such a vague phrase, and it sounds very modern, which doesn't fit your piece. I would watch out for lazy phrases and "place-holders" (sorry, Sarah Dessen reference) like 'something', 'got up', "getting", etc. I know I'm making a hypocrite of myself by pointing this out, but it's something that goes unnoticed a lot of the time, I think. And with a period piece like yours, the unspecific words and phrases might take away from the good work you've done with dialogue and description. Well, there's my two cents. That and four bucks will buy you a cup of coffee, if you're into that sort of thing. Can't wait for the next chapter. I've got you on my author alert now, so I have no excuses. ;)

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