lol this was weird but funny loved how they tricked colby, I could so imagine the scene where he's like i I don't want a birthday party, its not big deal.
once again cute story

oh my god *Laughs more* that was hillarious at the end.

I could deffiently see the expression on Colbys face there. I'd beat the crap out of Don if he did that to me.

*laughs more* great job. *claps*

p.s I'm still having issues on starting up my own stories at this site could you help me out.

e-mail:

Just when it was starting to get interesting ^.^
I thoguht they all died! I wanted them to die!
Whats with the bodies?

After reading the other reviews, I can see that you have done a lot of work to fix this story so you must be serious about writing. The plot could use more work though. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.

If Don was setting up a surprise birthday party why were he and everyone else at the house acting like they didn’t know what was going on? Why would there be a need for real and dangerous bullets to be fired?? And where in the world would anyone be dropping bodies from? On top of everything else, the little interlude with David Wyatt was unnecessary and pointless. The whole thing was so implausible, not to mention impossible, that I thought surely someone would be waking up from a dream at the end.

If you are serious about trying to write I don’t want to discourage you too much. Think about the details of a story before finishing it. If the events in a story could not have possibly happened in the real world then it is hard for readers to identify with it and readers need that connection to get “into” a story and enjoy it. Keep trying, just spend some more with your stories before posting them.

Ok now I can say much better.

Because of the poor execution of your story, you may get some fallout from readers who were offended by a previous author (whose stories have now been removed by the site administrator), so bear that in mind.

That said, you have a good plot bunny here, but you need to do a few things with it:

1. Run your story through a spell checker. You apparently are aware of the poor spelling because you corrected it in parentheses in one spot (?) -- /Suddenly bluetes (bullets) fell across the room./ I'm at a loss to figure out why you corrected it in this way.

2. Run your story through a grammar checker, which will catch most of the extensive punctuation errors. /"boys don't fight" alan said./ should be /"Boys, don't fight," Alan said./ This is basic -- any decent book on grammar will lay this out for you (and if you don't want to buy one, they are at every public library, so there's no excuse).

3. Consider expanding it a bit. Show, don't tell.

4. Get the characters' names right. There's no "lacey" -- but there's a Megan. It's Charlie, not Charlei, and Colby not colbies.

I strongly suggest you get a beta reader to work with you because this story is so substandard in execution that you are in danger of having it pulled by the site administrator for abuse of the site rules (disregard for proper language).

If you are, as I have to wonder, the same person who wrote the previous stories that were pulled for disrespect of readers and other writers, then I strongly suggest you just give up writing because you aren't doing it well, and you aren't doing it for the right reasons.

If you are genuinely trying to put out stories to share with other people and simply don't yet have the skills, then you really need to get a book on grammar, punctuation, and writing -- and then get yourself a beta reader to go over your story before you post it. As I said, interesting premise, but very poorly done.

I don't like to give negative reviews but there wasn't much choice with this one. Please, if nothing else proofread! You hardly used any caps or puctuation, spelled every other word wrong, and what's with using the shorthand "omg"? Lastly, the plot was...well strange.

I wasn't going to review because I didn't know if you were for real. Come on, have you read the other fan fictions here and if you have I would think that you would come to the conclusion that maybe this should be your one and only fanfiction story because you really are terrible at it. Sorry, just being totally honest