Very nicely written, Shade. Your description is great. It's really nicely done, but I have a few comments about which you'll see below. This is a great story so far. I like it. I'm really pleased to see so much description and not entirely dialouge! Good work. Now for your tips:

1. PUNCTUATION, Grammar, Capitalization, and Spelling

Your punctuation is what needs the most work (obviously, sine it's capped). You are not putting periods, commas, or apostrophes where there should be. I can't really offer any suggestions for this other than to go through and re-read your fics and check for errors or get a beta reader. That's really all I can suggest.

2. Formatting

This isn't that big of a problem. I'd just like to comment that some of your quotations aren't in paragraph format. Every time a NEW PERSON is speaking, they start a new paragraph. For instance, say Sara said this:

"Blah blah blah," said Sara. "Yada yada yada."

The sentence after "said Sara" isn't a new paragraph because it's still Sara speaking, but I presume you already know this. Now, if you want Gary to speak you'd go like this:

"Blah blah blah," said Sara. "Yada yada yada."

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Gary laughed.

Start a new paragraph. Done. Like I said, it's not a big issue for you. You're just not doing it constantly.

3. Description problems/flow

Okay, I said before that your description was great. However, like I told Oni-Snake on MD, you're describing what the characters look like in the story. It's not flowing with your story really well. To help you along with the flow, I'll give you and example. Say I wanted to describe Pikachu. Instead of this:

The Pikachu had red cheeks and pointy ears.

I should say this to help the flow:

"Pika!" The Pikachu's red cheeks flashed with excitement, and its pointy ears twitched happily.

Other than that, great work! Very nice work. You've got great potential. Keep updating, and notify me when you've updated. _ This is an interesting fic. I can't wait to see more.

Oh dear...this was really long...;;

Lfish

Good chapter! please update!

its roland not rollen otherwise meh