   Vandagirl 2007-01-05 . chapter 1Even as a non-BBRae shipper, it was still cute when he said, "Raven, you are a wonderful person, and always remember i am always there for you, no matter what." Still trying to decide whether or not he would say exactly that to some girl he loved, but it was still cute, so I'm letting it slide.
I got your PM by the way. And I have never flamed you. I've been giving you constructive criticism, which is much nicer than a flame and may actually benefit you and your writing. It is advice, not just "advice," and it is not meant to break you down in character, but rather, build you up in skill. After all, it does say at the bottom of this review window, "It is extremely helpful to use this opportunity to comment on an aspect of the story that can be improved. A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding tool for the writer." And it also says on rule 3 for FanFiction Etiquette, "Respect the reviewers. Not all reviews will strictly praise the work. If someone rightfully criticizes a portion of the writing, take it as a compliment that the reviewer has opted to spend his/her valuable time to help improve your writing."
At least you're being calm and mature about this. I have had people go, "OMG UR MEAN!1" many times. So I congratulate you. ^^
Anyways, so now that you know the scoop, I'm going to give you some advice because it is the most rewarding tool for you, especially if you want to be an author when you grow up.
I know this is an old story and I believe you have used quotation marks in present stories, so I'm just going to say: use quotation marks. Always. It makes things simpler. That and write a new paragraph when someone new speaks. Always. It makes things less confusing because sometimes authors will say:
"I don't believe it," Robin said, shocked. "Slade ran through that snow, but there aren't any footprints!"
But when you don't give the characters their own paragraph:
"I don't believe it," Robin said, shocked. "Slade ran through that snow, but there aren't any footprints," Raven added.
Got a little confused, didn't you? So in order to indicate who said what when, every character gets their own paragraph of dialogue. Because they're just special like that. ^^
Also, someone else said that it was too straight-forward, which I agree with. It's so plain, even with the cuteness. You just said what happened but I couldn't really feel much emotion through most of it. Since it's an emotional piece, you need to keep the readers informed of the emotion going on in the reading. I suggest reading some really good fluff, from Julesfire for example. Or read stuff from Sushichica or you can even read Teen Normals if you like! ^_^ It's got some fluff, along with lots of other stuff. I'm suggesting this stuff to you because I don't really know how to explain the problem. All I can say is when in doubt, with any form of creative writing, always use more words. Even if it sounds reduntant, for the most part, use it. You may think it is unnecessary to describe certain things, but sometimes it is more necessary than you think. Besides, it takes a heck of a lot longer to write something than to read it. I'm always afraid of rushing stuff. Heck yesterday I got my first review for a fictionpress story that I wrote in August that I completely forgot about. At the end author's note I asked if it was rushed because when I read it after writing it, it felt like Sonic the Hedgehog. But when I reread it last night, I was like, "Woah, that was anything BUT rushed!" The first few paragraphs were shortish, but they had no dialogue, it was all an action sequence basically and it takes a while to absorb description sometimes, but only if you haven't read it before/haven't read it in months. You can read it if you want. ^^ My fictionpress account is in my profile and my story is, "The Unbreakable Heart: Undazzled." ^_^
One more thing... keep everything in the past tense. You keep switching from past to present to past and that doesn't work for a story.
You want to be an author? That's cool. But you won't be very successful if I just praise the good but you don't know what to fix for the bad, know what I mean? The sooner you fix your mistakes, the better and more successful you will become. I don't know if I want to be an author or not, but it's a possiblity. So I have to keep getting better too if I decide that that's what I want to be. I'm not perfect, that's for sure. I'm just above learning about grammar and being too plain and whatnot, even if I do make a few mistakes every once in a while.
That's all.
~Vandagirl ^_^ |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination