I think this is really good. My only suggestion is to go back and add the right punctuation; it's a little hard to read. Otherwise, good job!

I have to agree word for word with your last two reviewers. This is a great story... but... I couldn't get past the first half for the lack of division on who's speaking... you just can't tell... if you went back and separated the paragraphs and the speaking parts, possibly making a point to at times point out who's talking... this story would be perfect. the plot it there... the characterization from what I can tell is down to the tee. But you need to separate stuff.

I agree with your last reviewer, your story has got great potential, but I really could not finish it, because it is so confusing. I don´t think this could be put off as "my style of writing", because it is no "style of writing" to not use comma´s, quotation marks, paragraphs when needed, etcetera. It just makes for some pretty bad reading. Why don´t you try it for once? I would really like to read this story, but this way it´s just too confusing, sorry

Maybe its because I'm not used to "your style of writing" but I couldn't make it past the first half of the story. Why? Because you seem to have something very against the use of quotation marks, comas, and new paragraphs when needed. From what I managed to disipher, you have a good plot line, good characterization and a nice style. HOWEVER: all of that is mute unless people can understand it. There is a reason we use "" marks and comas, its to make writing easier to understand. I strongly recomend you read up on how to put together dialogue; it will help your writing to the nth degree.