   Ganheim
2009-11-02 . chapter 2Prologue, Desperate battles.
get it’s control
[its]
it was in both of their best interests to keep a new being from entering service as a god, causing a new demon to have to be inducted as well, and making the doubled system shuffle again.
[According to Japanese mythos, there is no differentiation between ‘god’ and ‘demon’, at least not in any way like in the West. If you’re going to portray Saffron as a maniacal being, then that would more likely place him in the oni/youkai/demon category than the beneficient ‘god’ category]
children, Running the Tendo Dojo
[Capitalization, and I want to point out that despite several accusations to the contrary, Akane and Ranma are not compatible for the “happy marriage”, there’s too little trust and respect, too much abuse from both Ranma and Akane]
Our closest possible match is Prince Herb of the Musk, but he is not as powerful
[While Herb might not be as strong without Ranma as with, he is more powerful – the canon portrayal pretty clearly showed that Ranma _outmaneuvered_, not overpowered, him]
that Sake was her
[Even “nihonshu” proper (what most people mean when they say “sake”) is just rice wine, so it isn’t a proper noun and shouldn’t be capitalized]
blue Furinkan boys uniform
[boy’s, though I want to point out that the uniforms are consistently black in manga and anime (Ukyo’s shares the same style yet is blue in the anime – it varies in the manga, but this is likely an alteration to make the character more easily recognizable)]
“poor Ranko…”
[Missing opening capitalization]
Her mother had
[her]
she wasn’t let play
[_allowed to_ play]
a place of Doom
[If you’re going to Title Capitalize something to emphasize it, don’t just do part]
Kasumi incident, The pigtailed
[Should terminate in period instead of comma]
again, Rubbing it harder
[Extraneous capitalization]
Come quick!” The girl said,
[Since speech tags directly attach/modify their dialog, there’s no need to capitalize them]
down, What’s wrong Ranko
[Should terminate in period instead of comma]
turning into a glair
[glare]
Our son is in hospital
[in _a clinic_ (not a hospital)]
now, Like a martial
[Extraneous capitalization]
male and Female life
[Extraneous capitalization]
“I don’t know, Ma’am.” Tofu said, shrugging.
[Tofu should be baffled and thoughtful, not casually shrugging]
In large black Kanji
[Extraneous capitalization]
Chapter 2 Awakening and confusion.
He said, putting a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder.
[More ‘restraining’ than ‘comforting’, and he should be noting that Ranma’s significantly stronger than the old one]
who this saffron that
[Saffron]
like Ranma’s own female high soprano.
[ Ranma’s girl form doesn’t have a high soprano, it’s more like ?
Mr. And Mrs.
[‘and’ shouldn’t be capitalized]
He is about on par with that old fool of a master that Soun and Genma train under.
[Ranma is no-where near the same level as Happosai. You’re also missing closing dialog punctuation]
larger Chi reserve.
[Extraneous capitalization]
I know this may be hard for you to accept, since you remember everything so clearly, but the incident you described with the phoenix king has never happened,
[I find it odd that Tofu is so quickly dismissing Ranma’s story, especially in light of his physical changes. Shouldn’t he at least be asking for more information?]
that Miss Tendo would
[miss]
“Phoenix mountain never happened?”
[A place doesn’t happen. The _events_ at it do]
of yours, Go get
[go]
Chi aura was
[chi]
girl, The surprised and
[Either the punctuation or capitalization is wrong]
Second, you’re my sister?”
[This was mentioned to him earlier, if this is mentioned at all he should be only asking for confirmation]
His professional demeanour was falling away
[Why? There’s nothing threatening the doctor or the other people. Tofu has no reason to become angry]
a bit more broad in the shoulders than he was used to.
[If his shoulder muscles have expanded like they probably would’ve had to to accommodate his martial arts body, then I’d think it would feel pinched there and looser in other areas like the waist]
of a popular female martial artist on one wall.
[Would Ranma know about ‘popular female martial artists’ in this alternate world? If he would, why not a name or some description so that we know what’s actually there? Remember the writer’s rule: Show, don’t tell!]
He sighed, before seeing his father looking at him strangely.
[You never mentioned Genma entering the room/scene]
“You said that you weren’t interested in the martial arts.” Nodoka said, still looking surprised. “Your father gave up on really training you several years ago.”
[I find it hard to believe that either: Genma would allow Ranma to give up martial arts or that Nodoka would support his negligence]
he truthfully hadn’t seen her train either, despite her claims to be a warrior.
[Then you need to pay attention to the series: she’s trained, she just doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to show it in the series because she’s not a core character and therefore doesn’t get as much “camera time”]
Narrowing his eyes, he asked, “Do ya want me to get a cup of cold water and beat ya again?”
[This is inconsistent with Ranma’s character. He may or may not allow the crap about ‘women being weaker’, but he knows and vocally maintains that he is a guy and not a girl. Him being in cursed form doesn’t change the fact that ‘he’ would still beat his father. It wouldn’t change anything about gender roles]
his greater strength probably would have knocked the old man out a lot faster,
[There are many implications that martial artists at that stage don’t as much use raw strength to win as they do striking critical spots. Being faster would be more of an advantage, that’s why Ranma so soundly trounced Mousse and Ryouga]
It was almost like he hadn’t trained at all in the last decade.
[This does not fit canon: the only thing changed in the alternate universe was Ranma’s training (as far as you’ve said), but Genma was a dedicated martial artist and even in the manga he trains by himself]
For some reason, Genma held up a sign
[There is no reason for this if he doesn’t have his curse]
had grown a slight immunity to the puppy dog look.
[had grown _resistant_ to the look?]
poster for some reason.
[Interrogative missing its question mark]
His son had, thanks to him of course, become a master of the anything goes school. He could tell Soun in the morning, and Soun could pick one of his daughters for the boy to be engaged to.
[Given that the promise was to join the houses, with the martial arts schools being more ambiguous, wouldn’t the engagement either already be in place or have been cancelled?]
The idea sounded similar to “The Name’s Tendo Akane and I Don’t Lose”, which has been interesting before. However, even aside from the significant technical flaws (word misuse, poor punctuation and grammar), there are serious characterization flaws. Nodoka has enough margin from canon that you can do a lot with her character, but all of the other characters are acting against what they should be. From Genma to Ranma to Tofu, nobody has escaped drastic OOC that is not explained by ‘Ranma not going on that training trip with his father’. |
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