Reviews for Achieving Perfection

Reviews For: Achieving Perfection

beth 2006-12-07 ch 3, anon.	abuseThis is one of the first good stories I've read about the dragonriders. please update soon...really soon. I just found the story and it almost seems like you've forgotten it. WRITE!
GinaLee 2006-09-25 ch 3, anon.	abusePlease, don't leave those people here - what do they do next?
astrokath 2006-06-12 ch 3,	abuseGlad to see you've updated this story. Would you believe I can't find anything obvious to criticise? Well, I'll just have to look harder! ;) It's a nice introduction to life as a candidate, and I assume that Dayfidd's just letting them settle in a bit before the hard work REALLY starts! One typo: "Daffid cleared his throat and began." One sentence that had me a bit confused: "For all you know, Marta had no confidence when she was a Candidate herself." If he's stating Marta's lack of confidence as a fact, it's poorly phrased on his part. If he's just saying that seeing as the candidates don't know either way, it's a possibility, then the addition of a may/might to the sentence may make your intent (and his) a little clearer. As it stands, I'm not sure which option you meant him to mean. Right, a bit of an aside: As far as the pregnancy test goes, well, if they have an effective test they still ought to carry it out more than once. Even the most sensitive tests available to us today can't pick up the pregnancy hormones until 7 days past ovulation at best, and depending on how rapidly HCG production kicks off, it can be well over two weeks past ovulation before the pregnancy is detectable. But regardless of what technology they're using, it's not going to be detectable until implantation is safely underway, so you WILL have a 1-2week (or more, depending on the efficacy of the test) gap between sex-that-leads-to-conception (which needs to occur between 4-5 days before ovulation up to the day of ovulation itself, due to the survival times of the unfertilised egg and sperm) and a detectable pregnancy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that a candidate could have sex the night before the test, get a negative result the next day, and still turn out to be pregnant. So, more tests, or a more rigorous enforcement of candidate abstinence ought to be required. Of course, the Arolos staff may very well not be aware of these loopholes...! Anyway, great work on this chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more.
Kitsuneko 2006-06-11 ch 3,	abuseCool story! Good writing and characters, Tarie is amusingly naive. :) I like Zedorianth, too, she's almost like the dragon version of a blond.
Eminempern 2006-06-11 ch 3,	abuseAh, thanks for updating! Is this the part where I say, "Now, if you update, I'll update"? Good chapter. I think it was fine, being dialogue-heavy. The bit about female dragons' (and their riders') emotions during a flight seemed kind of like a non sequitur, but it was OK. I was thinking more what Tarie was - not some talk about relationships, a proper lecture about candidacy. That came as a surprise! But he has got a point. So, good chapter, please update soon!
Bryan McMahon 2006-06-03 ch 2, anon.	abuseVery good. I liked it more than some of the other works I have read and infact more than most. Just try and include more than two or three characters in each chapter. Next time introduce some of the other canidates and yet keep the green and bronze rider checking on the canidates. Who knows mabey even make the bronze or brown rider the wyrmling master too. Just sugestions. Overall I liked both chapters. Bryan McMahon
astrokath 2006-05-16 ch 2,	abuseAs promised, I've finally got round to reviewing chapter 2. Once again, it's mostly very good. A few things good do with a bit of work though. "He jumped nimbly onto his dragon's shoulders," I'm fairly sure you don't mean this literally. I think I have the right mental image (i.e. a fairly athletic means of mounting a large dragon), but your choice of words here are reminding me way too much of the old jack-be-nimble nursery rhyme. Think of the way people mount horses, and then scale UP to the size of a bronze, even if it is crouched down. The phrasing of "jumped nimbly" simlpy doesn't leave enough room for the necessary grasping of harness/getting a foot in place on his dragon's helpfully placed foreleg/whatever, before that final strong/nimble hop, made graceful and effortless through years of practice. You do give a bit more info on this later on in the chapter when Gisellaine (and I'm finding it really hard to spell that, as I have a RPG character of my own named Ghisellind!) mounts, but it's a bit late. "Did everyone else run out of room? I think we've only gotten three Candidates here..." This also seems ever so slightly odd. Gisellaine seems both surprised that Tarie isn't riding with someone else, but ALSO well aware that they're not overburdened by candidates. I'm not really certain what you have Gisellaine thinking here. Is she uncertain of the exact number of candidates? Is she certain there are only the three others, and confused that Tarie isn't with the rest? Anyway, her motivations could be clarified a little. The rest of the chapter is simply lovely. Reminds me of my first flight in a plane. Overall, 9/10. It's flowing well, the character development is nicely paced, Tarie's not a Sue and you havn't been infodumping. Keep up the good work.
astrokath 2006-05-15 ch 1,	abuseSpecific comments as I go... "since they already had two junior Weyrwomen already" One of those "already"s is redundant. The bold font of Zedorianth's first response has continued on into the description, and needs fixing. I'm quite happy with you using bold for mental speech, but other people may prefer the more standard italics. Gisellaine asking about the oiling seems a bit out of place to me. It works as a way of getting the story flowing, but on a deeper level it's a bit lacking. Considering that they're about to go on search and the whole wing of dragons are waiting around to do just that, oiling a dragon (a rather major job) doesn't seem like the most obvious worry for the rider to have. Of course, if it's just a little rough patch that the rider's concerned about, that would be more plausible - but then you could show us WHY it could be both immediately important, and still be a little task to potentially squeeze in before they leave. Tarie seems pretty well realised, and the story flows well up until I reach the line "there was only a bronze and a brown". That one could do with a bit of tweaking, in my opinion, e.g. something like "one brown and a single bronze", which clarifies your list a little and adds emphasis on the single bronze--'cos that's what Tarie's most focused on! Tarie's dialogue works well, but there's not much else in your writing at this point to give her emotional depth. We're in her POV, so you can easily show us how she's feeling. I mean, she goes from momentary confusion, to a welter of questions, to a simple "How are you" to a woman she doesn't know from adam. Your readers can get a lot from just the dialogue, but you could make things a little easier for us! The final section reads very well, and I'm enjoying the way the story's going. I find the very last sentence a little clunky, which is a shame, but I can't see any obvious quick tweaks there. Personally, I think I'd reorder it, but that's just my preferences rather than anything else. Anyway, get writing! I want to read the next chapter!
Eminempern 2006-05-14 ch 1,	abuseI read in your post in the forum that you were sad about your lack of reviews. Well, I'm here to save the day! Why am I always first to review your stories? I think this story is very interesting. Well written. I adore correct grammar. I realized that you're right. The holders are probably all deluded about the true nature of dragons and riders. I actually read this story a while ago, so I don't have any concrit off the top of my head, but I again would like to say that it's a very good idea. Please update soon! I want to see her reaction when she Impresses - excuse me, IF she Impresses - and sees what life is really like in a Weyr. I especially like your greenrider with the lisp - Gisellaine, rider of Zedorianth? I hope she wasn't just a searchrider, a tool, but also in this later?

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