 
2006-07-25 . chapter 1 This was a nice fic, but I've got a bit of concrit that might help:
First, FFN has rules against posting songfic. You may want to be careful with that, since it could get it deleted, which all on it's own stinks. Another thing was that the lyrics subtract from the actual fic. There seems to be more of the lyrics than the fic itself as well.
Of course, you could've probably used the words, though not have put them in bold and as lyrics. Perhaps you could've used the words in the text like a quote, maybe have Hilary think along the lines of the song's lyrics. That way it won't be called on and taken down by any of the mods, and also helps the flow of the story alot better as well when reading. Some people may catch that it's the song lyrics, though others might not. Either way, it's just a little suggestion.
Another thing I noticed was that you switched from past and present tense alot throughout the fic. Please pick one and stick with that. It becomes confusing for the reader when reading it. Example:
"Hilary smiles a sad smile and looks at Kai. She wished that Kai could open up to her, so she could melt his cold heart. Hilary looks up at the sky again."
First, it said that Hilary *smiles* a sad smile, and *looks* at Kai - this all being an example of present tense. Then, you have it say that she *wished* that Kai could open up to her - that part being past tense. And then it switches on and off past and present again. Instead of that, perhaps it would sound better if it was worded (in favor of present tense, since it appears to be the style you were trying to execute), "Hilary smiles a sad smile and looks at Kai. She *wishes* that Kai *can* open up to her, so she *can* melt his cold heart. Hilary looks up at the sky again."
Don't worry too much though - I also have a hard time keeping up with my tenses sometimes, but just reading over it and practicing can help when using this tense.
Your grammar isn't that bad besides that - I didn't see any run-on sentences, and your spelling is also easy to understand. But the part at the end, the punctuation, "I Love You, Kai!" did not need to have each letter of each word capetalized, not being a proper noun. I may be wrong in thinking that it was supposed to give more impact in some way, but a, "I love you, Kai!" would've been just as, if not more insightful to use.
There was also some points on Hilary's thoughts I'd like to point out - maybe you could've delved a bit deeper into them? Kai isn't as coldhearted as some people portray him to be, and her opinions of him change drastically after events in V-Force. Maybe you could've explained more of her feelings for him and had her thoughts more fleshed out, and why she thought he was coldhearted right then?
I liked the fic, but these are just a few suggestions that might help later on. Great job, and good luck in the future. ;) |
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