Another chapter, another proofing. Let's get to work.

- 'Her Soldiers awaited, and she would return to them, not as a Priestess, but as a Queen, and this time, this time Teremun, Gods curse him, might be proud of her, might love her, wherever the traitor was.'

Hooboy, somebody's got some crossed wiring here. Undeath does wonders for your sanity, does it not?

- 'Two weeks of rowdy card games and conversations had flown by like the blink of an eye, but *it* didn’t make it any less invigorating or joyful to Jonathan Carnahan.'

The asterisk-marked 'it' could quite easily be replaced with 'that'.

- 'Running a hand through the man’s blond hair, the two crashed on the couch.'

Bit of an ambiguous sentence. Who was doing the running? Were they taking turns? Strange, strange image.

- 'William and Samantha quickly followed the suit and hurriedly smothered their cigarettes, just as the sound of a heavy bag being dropped to the floor echoed from the main entrance was followed by the furious stomping of a very dangerous, very armed, and very pissed off Richard O’Connell.'

It's 'followed suit', and 'echoing' would work better as well.

- 'She cannot blame his crimes as yours, it is not –'

Bit awkward. 'Attribute his crimes'?

- 'It is my duty, to pass on the knowledge before my death'

You can drop the comma here.

- 'She spoke quickly, about the spell and her oath, and finally legend of Amunet, the High Priestess of Nephthys, and her cousin and lover Teremun, the High Priest of Seth, his army of Seth’s Soldiers and the reign of terror over Egypt a thousand years earlier.'

'The legend'?

All in all, nicely ominous, and I can't shake the feeling that something deeply unpleasant is about to happen to at least one of the dreamers soon. So it goes, eh?

Hmm, ok so Rick is having visions now. Fair enough, it WAS his turn I guess, but I'm still wincing a little bit at the sameyness of it. And Evy earnestly assuring him that there was no woman seems a little contrived - was she not the one who had the visions in the first place? If Rick says he was following a woman, I would have thought her reaction would be intrigue, perhaps apprehension, but certainly not disbelief. She would be more likely to bombard him with questions about this 'woman' who had lured her husband out of his bed. What did she look like? Did he see anything else? What does it mean? Did Rick have a previous incarnation as well? etc etc.

There is something else that's been bugging me about the last few chapters; why do you constantly refer to characters with impersonal labels like 'the Englishwoman', 'the American' or even worse, 'the man'? It sounds very odd, especially when the narrative is from the POV of someone who knows the character intimately, or worse, the character themselves. What's wrong with just using the ordinary masculine or feminie pronoun? Do you think its boring to just put 'he' or 'she', or do you not think we'll know who you mean otherwise? (That is the ONLY reason for using labels like this, for the purposes of identifation/disambiguation, but even then should only really be used with an omniscient narrative voice) Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with common boring old pronouns. In fact they disappear into the narrative and hardly even merit notice. It's like with dialogue tags - puting 'he/she said' all the time might seem repetitive, but it actually becomes almost invisible because the reader just skims over it. It's only when you start trying to use fancy words like 'asserted' or 'expostulated' that the reader notices them, and then the whole machinery of the text starts emitting a very loud clanking noise. So no more 'the Englishwoman' please :-)

“Ibrihim,” Ardeth greeted, “to what do I owe your presence?”

This sentence doesn't make a great deal of sense, and even sounds a little rude. Does he mean to say 'To what do I owe THE HONOUR of your presence'? or 'to what do I owe this pleasure'?

'Ibrihim smiled gently and bowed his head respectfully.'

I have a mild pet peeve for people who use more than one adverb in a sentence. What is the merit of telling us his smile was gentle? Most of the time the word 'gently' is completely superfluous and actually detracts from the action, because it makes it seem weak. Anything that lessons the impact of a description should be cut - qualifying phrases like 'just slightly' and 'a little' should also be banned, in my opinion, because they constibute to weak and ineffectual descriptions.

'though it is a topic of significant importance' - this is the converse of the above, i.e. hyperbole. If something is significant it is by definition important, and visa versa. You do not need to describe something as both.

'Sairah is an admirable Islamic woman' - this just struck me as odd. They are an Islamic people, the fact that they share the same faith would be taken for granted, therefore this is stating the unnecessary. I think what he is saying is that she is a virtuous woman. It would just be understood that he means within the notions of virtue enshrined in their Islamic culture.

Also, considering what Ardeth tells Ibrahim about him becoming his heir, I would have thought that he would have given far more careful consideration to this than he seems to have done. If he knows his future son-in-law would have to take over from him as leader, would he not be eyeing up candidates for this long in advance? Not to do so makes him seem like a rather irresponsible leader... It also means that his daughter would be a prime target for any ambitious Medjay who fancied himself as chief, so I would have thought she'd be bombarded with marriage offers, of which Ardeth would be naturally suspicious. If he had no previous indication of an attachment or partiality between Ibrahim and his daughter before, I'm sure he would be highly suspicious of his motives.

Hmm, this chapter wasn't bad, I just feel a bit frustrated and want it to get to the plot quicker. In this rewrite you haven't introduced any baddies as yet, apart from the Nazis the Medjay were fighting, but there is no single character with motives or a goal to provide the conflict. Where is the plot driver in this?

Overall though I like the story much better than it was before, and I think it rings much truer and has more depth, especially in the scenes between Ardeth and Sairah. :-)

- 'They were fighting again, this time channelling every iota of rage and loathing into their frenzied attacks – it looked as though they were trying to kill each other, now with different weapons designed to murder…'

This is unusual for this kind of fight, then?

- 'But it looked almost identical to the other one – the one from Hamunaptra, the one that Evelyn had accidentally used to raise Imhotep eighteen years ago, it all of its blackened, intricate beauty.'

Whoops - typo here. Think you mean 'in all of its blackened, intricate beauty'.

- 'She barely cast a glance towards the women; they were fighting again, this time channelling every iota of rage and loathing into their frenzied attacks – it looked as though they were trying to kill each other, now with different weapons designed to murder.'

Was the repetition deliberate?

- Nefertiri and Nefertari. Typo or deliberate? By the context, it could be either, so I'm pointing it out just in case.

- 'I have not the skill with a blade as my sister does.'

'That' flows more naturally than 'as'.

OK, general comments. Interesting so far, and I like the spots of humour. The characters seem believable, too. Can't comment much more yet, as the pieces of the plot clearly have yet to come together. I'll be able to say more once it starts shaping itself into a coherent whole.

Keep it up.

- 'It had been nearly two days since he received a proposition for his daughter, and still Ardeth delayed in telling her.'

I think 'proposal' would work better. It's the technical term for these things, after all.

- 'Ypres had been a sour place and the trenches even worse: constantly muddy and lice-infested, the men were more in danger of dying from boredom than actual danger.'

Try a semicolon rather than a colon here.

- 'and far too relaxed about dying than was necessary,'

'Far more relaxed about dying than was healthy'?

- 'Jonathan never saw William ‘Bill’ ‘Trigger’ Harris again, assuming the Australian had either died or went back to the land down under.'

'Gone', not 'went'.

- 'hell, he’d even settle for a visit from Ardeth, even if it meant the Med-jai was the bearer of bad news, as he usually was.'

Was the hyphen in 'Med-jai' intentional?

- 'War did terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things to the British economy, and his part-time job at the British Museum didn’t pay very well either.'

Hyphenating 'no-good' might make the meaning a bit clearer.

- 'What the bloody hell do kangaroos have to do with anything,'

Could use a question-mark at the end of this.

- 'He smiled to himself, perhaps a little smugly – typical Bourgeois, he was, trying to impress a pretty woman.'

'Bourgeoisie' might work better, especially when used by a former Marxist. 'Bourgeois' is more properly used as an adjective.

- 'Shivering slightly, Rick crossed his arms and stared vacantly into the dark corridor adjacent to the current chamber Evelyn was obsessing over.'

Whilst 'adjacent' is technically accurate, it is more often used to mean 'next to', as if the corridor were running parallel to the chamber. 'Leading off from' or similar might work better and be clearer.

- 'It was just a primal instinct, ordering him to.'

You can drop the comma here.

- 'And me? He felt like asking, quenching a sudden burst of anger that swept him. Are you to condemn me to be cursed hereafter instead?'

Since it's as if he's saying it, you might try decapitalising the 'he', though if that's the case, italicising his thoughts to make it clearer might help too.

- 'He had no control, none – why, even now, as he was ordering himself to get out of the chamber and find Evelyn and tell her that he was going insane, he was getting closer and closer to the concealed crevice where that blasted woman had somehow opened an adjacent chamber.'

'Adjacent' here, on the other hand, is just fine. It's an odd distinction, and I don't really know how to describe it. It's a matter of what feels right, if you follow.

- I think you'll find the correct spelling for the Berber tribe is 'Tuareg'.

- 'What woman indeed, was the snide voice that filled his mind as he searched his surroundings.'

'Said the snide voice'? 'Was the snide comment'?

- A more common spelling is 'Ibrahim', though the different alphabet admittedly provides some leeway.

- “My daughter is somewhat of a free-spirit,”

Might want to drop the hyphen here, for the same reason that 'green-furred' requires one and 'green fur' doesn't, if you follow me.

- 'Reasonable and rational as he had been trained to be, though seldom in practice, he approached the situation as methodically and detachedly as he was able.'

'Though seldom was in practice' may work better.

Will provide a proper overview of the story once I've proofread the last chapter.

“I wasn’t going to open it!” She lied. “And even I was, you spoiled the moment.”

Decapitalise 'she' here. Remember, 'he said', 'she snarled', and so on are continuations of the spoken sentence regardless of whether what was spoken was a question, an exclamation, or whatever.

“This must be where the books were kept before Imhotep took them to Hamunaptra,”

Second part of this sentence isn't necessary - the books' later history was already explained in the previous chapter.

'Evelyn sighed and closed the lid. “I’m not sure what I expected,” she said glumly. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I know the books were lost at Ahm Shere, but some part of me hoped I’d find something. It was silly of me, really. Imhotep stole them to resurrect Anck-Su-Namun and they were left in Hamunaptra…”'

I think it's spelt Ankh-Sur-Namun. Would make more sense - the Egyptians didn't really go in for the 'ck' business.

'The man loved England, there was no doubt about that, but halfway through the Second World War Rick was more than willing to agree with Evelyn’s escape plan to Egypt until everything had settled down.'

Might want to substitute 'he' for 'the man'. Otherwise, in feals weirdly distant for an intimate third-person narrative. This is his perspective, after all.

'Rick jumped in sudden panic – his natural reflect – until the tone of his wife’s shout registered properly. Excitement, not fear; he let his hand fall away from his pistol.'

I think you mean 'reflex', not 'reflect'.

Right then, proofreading. Spelling and grammar pretty good so far, but you might want to revise this:

“Na’am?” acknowledged softly to the man riding one and leading the other. “What is it you want from me now, Zahir?”

Think there's a word or two missing. Doesn't make all that much sense.

I like this though I do get a little lost with the swaps from Ardeth to the O'Connells (a bit like you with my Prelude pov's! so we are even!)
The banter between Rick and Alex is good, though I do feel it slipping ever so slightly into a cliche with too many mentions of TM2...but that's just me being a picky bitch :P
onwards!

I'm going to try and give a long review, as I'm a criminal for just giving one sentence or a few words so I am going to *try* and give you a long one.
ooer.

I love love love the opening paragraph...perfect balance of description without swamping the pov of the character. I'm going to keep that in mind for myself as an example :P
I had a peek at a few of the reviews regarding Ricks age. I for one believe it perfectly acceptable for Rick to lie- why should he fight for England in the war when he's already faced mummies? It might be everybodies problem, but it ain't his problem ;) I don't think it makes him any less of a hero, if anything it shows a step back from the heroism to the husband, the father, the human Rick O'Connell underneath so I like that he lied.
I love the inscription on the door, I always believed the books wouldn't have been kept at Hamunaptra permanently, too much temptation...I clearly had too much time on my hands thinking about that. I'm going to shut up in this review now, onward to the next chapter!
x

Nothing bad to say, I like the exposition of the first chapter and I find the ending very strong, I like exhange between Ardeth and his daughter. :)

Do I like this chapter? Well...grudgingly, I have to say that yes, yes I do.
You seem to have a better grasp on Jonathan's character this time 'round. Although he's quite different from TM and TMR (I REFUSE to acknowledge the third film), I can appreciate what you're doing with this character. I'm not too sure about the WWI thing, but since we know virtually nothing about Jonathan from the movies except that he likes drinking and gambling and treasure, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief. His interactions with Samantha are...average. She's a little annoying, and I can't really feel chemistry between them, but keeping in mind what you told me (and I won't SPOIL any of your other readers, if there are any) I think I can handle it for the time being.

Stil, I think I can tolerate this Jonathan. He's lonely, which makes sense, but I don't know why he didn't go with the O'Connells. I guess I can let that slide since he didn't go with them in TMR (at the beginning).

AHA! "Trigger" from the title. This is a curious turn of events. I take it this William Harris AKA Bill AKA Trigger is a more permanent, better-developed version of the Rory Anderson from the crapfest that was Sinister Resurrection? Even though he's only just been introduced I think I'll enjoy this character, assuming he is a long-term character and that you have curbed your addiction to killing off characters, canon or original. As a general rule, I prefer male OCs. They're more fun and less easy to class as Gary Stus.


So, another Zahir/Ardeth scene. I am, I confess, quite fond of these. Ardeth's inner turmoil over losing his daughter to marriage feels quite authentic and I was able to empathise with him this time around. I recall last time he was all "marry who you want to marry, blah blah blah", and it feels more real this time.

>
“Is that was this is all about?” Zahir demanded. “Seven years ago – I thought you were past this. They are dead, Ardeth! Do you not understand? No matter how many men you sacrifice, no matter how many times you gladly lead our warriors to their deaths, it will not bring them back! You cannot continue to base strategy on that one isolated incident –”

“Incident?” Ardeth hissed, and in an instant his hands were fisted in Zahir’s robes, yanking his brother forwards until their noses nearly touched. “You call the ruthless slaughter of my wife and three sons an ‘incident’?”
>

Ah, finally we get an explanation for Ardeth's rushing into battle. I'm warning you now, however - if I end up reading a flash-back scene where Sairah is forced to watch her family slaughtered before her, in a dream sequence, then I will hunt you down and slap you silly. Understand?


Overall? I liked this chapter. A little short, but good nonetheless. Will we be seeing the O'Connells soon? I'm beginning to miss them. You've a lot of characters to keep up here, but you're doing a better job of it this time than last time. Let's see, we have:

-Rick
-Evy
-Alex
-Jonathan
-Samantha Osborne
-William Harris
-Ardeth
-Sairah
-Zahir
-Chloe
-Ilyas

I hope you know what you're doing, Estora. That's a lot of characters to balance out, and most of them are original, to an extent.


DOCTOR U. N. OWEN IS WATCHING YOU.

Ok, so reviewing the first rewritten chapter of this (at least the first one I had no input in, hehe) I have to say I like. There are still a few things I DON'T like though. For one, Rick lying about his age to avoid the war - WHAT? I can understand him being fairly reluctant about it, but we all know that O'Connell always steps up to the plate and does his duty in the end. That's what makes him a blood hero, and how DARE you turn him into a coward like this! If I were Evy I'd shoot him myself.
Ahem. Anyway, your style is very much improved, and the pace is much better because of it. The interaction between Rick and Evy was amusing and well pitched, although there are still a few hints of non-Britishness in Evy's dialogue that make her a touch OOC. All in all a much better chapter than before, and I have to say I'm SO glad the prologue is gone. I still sincerely hope the ancient scenes turn up somewhere, but perhaps somewhere a bit less obvious.

The only thing I have to complain about really is that there's not enough for me to complain about! Damn you...