   VampireCabbit
2008-01-18 . chapter 3im gonna go over every problem i can find, but dont think a long list makes your fiction bad. my most popular fic is riddled with problems, many more than yours is, especially in the earlier chapters (the later ones aint so bad, im just too lazy to fix it).
you seem to write Amy especially well when shes on her own, when i read her personal feeling segments the fiction sudenly jumps from a 6.9 to a 8.5, but on segments of action and other characters it seems to fall again. thoughts seem to disapear and reactions dull. i mean, Amy meets up with Shadow, and theres about a sentence of dialogue.
frankly she seems very uncaring about discovering that the person she more or less sent to their death with her begging was in fact not brutally torn apart by the earths atmosphere. id expect a gasp, a tear, at least a slight widening of the eyes. same with Sonic, unsurprised and unemotional (although granted once he discoveres hes alive in Sonic Heroes hes a bastard too).
later on theres more problems with description, what the hell is an LZ-1 Trooper? i mean, a brief description is needed when you use a odd name or it just looks stupid. dun dun dun.. erm.. action scene, a bit too short for my liking but not a major problem, dun dun dun doo... you switch into the wrong tense for a few seconds, saying things in the present where everything else was in the past, as most writing is. Bum-de-du-du-da... you need to try stretching it out a bit, just say to yourself how can i make this really really long and youll find yourself doing much better. i try to go for a minimum of 40 words when im writing a chapter.
a description of the surroundings would be nice every so often, though i know its annoying to inject it in it really helps. speaking of that though later on you do a really good description, in yet another segment that suddenly reads well, even sounds are included, which is the mark of good writers.
next chapter:
and here we have Rouge, a fun character to write i always find, this chapter is done really well and with good detail, no real complaints. though i think Shadow's psyche needs some delving into, just to see what hes thinking. and some of the speech seems a tad unnatural, but apart from that its a good chapter of about 8/10. i see here Rouge is also unemotional on realising Shadow is alive, despite his saving her life a good few times, and her show of emotion on the ARK. odd.
next:
chapter 4 seems to have had the majority of problems fixed, however a few still seem to pop up every so often, be they new ones or just old ones that havent been fully solved. you seem to use then a fair amount, which is really a no-no in any fiction because it seems to just make it so unprofessional, in everyday actions its passable but in big climatic scenes try to avoid it. you also seem to think people will remember exactly what the robots look like just from their names, i do sort of, but even then a quick little description and maybe some more information about there weapons would be nice. you could just make it up after all. theres also an aversion to commas in some of the action sequences, a sentence shouldnt be too long, or it just looks stupid and people with short atention spans (i.e. most of us males) will find themselves loosing interest or if your like me thinking about how i might have done this scene, and then writing a review approximately the size of your story.
describing Chaos powers is always particularly difficult, my way around it usually involves saying what it does, and then simply describing what the surrouding landscape looks like when its stopped smoking, but you seem to do fairly well most of the time so i think you just need some practice. oh, and you mention Shadow cant say sweet words, thats not exactly true, provided you keep him reserved or hesitant. a Shadow romance is hard though, and the best way i find is to have someone or something else initiate it. like someone kissing him or an accident forcing the two into close quarters.
anyways, i think thats large enough to keep you happy, and may be the largest review on the site, enjoy XD |
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Amy Landchild