   justira
2006-06-27 . chapter 1Let me first say that I enjoyed this story. I must applaud you, first and foremost, for writing pre-game fic for FFX. The fandom gets too little love as it is, compared to the other FF games, and especially when one considers its absolutely incredible story and cast, not to mention the fact that it plays very well as a game. Not only that, but it has this wonderful half sketched-in backstory that just *begs* authors to flesh it out -=- but so few do! This is especially tragic when one considers that the backstory is *at least* as compelling as the main game of the story, and that it is also the Required Angsty Past of one of the main characters. How goes pre-game writing get so little fic? It's a mystery and a tragedy, but one you have bettered somewhat right here. Thank you!
Now, about concrit. I hope you don't mind the length of this review, nor find yourself intimidated by it. I generally start with the most general things I liked or didn't about a story, then go on to three kinds of specifics -=- things I liked, things I didn't liked, and things that are very (more) subjective or have a little of both. Let me assure you that I liked your story, I really and truly did. To the point that I have *NO* general objections to balance my general praise, and must resort for the most part to minor details of grammar and diction in my specific complaints.
Each section of specific points is organized by good/bad/in-between, and therein chronologically by occurrence in the fic. I hope this is not confusing, and that the quotes I pull give enough context in each case. Please ask if it is confusing and I will try to clarify.
Excerpts from your text are contained in * marks.
I try to offer suggestions for improvement when I find something to criticize. If I offer a rewrite of a certain part, I tend to remove unnecessary adjectives and the like to preserve space while still getting my point across. So don't take those too literally -=- the only relevant difference there is the point I'm trying to correct.
If you have any questions or would like to debate any point I make here, please feel free to contact me. Since tends to eat up email addresses, and since I prefer not to leave mine lying around, feel free to PM me using the local system, or find my address in my lj profile under the same user name.
Now then. Lets get to praising.
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General Points
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Characterization:
In general, I found your Auron to be well done and believable. He is starting to edge into the bitterness and sense of responsibility that flows under the surface of his personality as we see him in the game, but he still feels little removed from the younger man that traveled with Jecht and Braska. He berates himself just enough, without being over the top; he reminds himself of Jecht and the debt he owes in a million little ways without it being overwhelming; and he is appropriately gruff and short of speech.
I also enjoyed the characterization of young Tidus -=- you're catching him in transition between the "crybaby" Jecht calls him to a stubborn young boy who turns into the determined (and cheerful!) young man we know in the game. You did a good job of this, I think. You also imbued him with characteristics that Auron recognizes as Jecht's, which I liked. This could have been mishandled awkwardly by making them too obvious or far-fetched, making the resemblance in general seem forced and artificial -=- a trick used by weak writers that doesn't work very well. You did not do this, making the similarities seem natural extensions of Tidus' relationship to Jecht, but still things he would definitely do (or has been seen doing in canon).
My only complaint, and I'm not even sure it counts, is that Tidus seems a little bit hostile. However, he is ten years away from the cheerful youth we see, and even that Tidus definitely has a spark of temper in him. Plus, this is a young boy at his mother's funeral being reminded of a father he hates. Given all that, Tidus' hostility doesn't seem all that out of place.
I love, love, love the exchange between Auron and Tidus. The dialogue is very appropriate to both characters and to their situation. I like Auron's gravity and Tidus' petulance. I will try to point out some specifics below without quoting the entire damn thing.
Plot and Structure:
The plot here is simple, so I'll keep my commentary short and general. You picked an interesting moment that canon implies must have happened but never explains -=- the transfer of Tidus into Auron's care. This was a good choice to build a short one-shot around, and I think you handled it with grace, giving enough of an introduction (Auron's adaptation to Zanarkand) without dragging this out too long. I like the moment when you choose to cut it off. Overall it works well and is very self-contained, while still gathering together a lot of the loose ends in canon.
Narrative and Writing Style:
The style here seems detached with small moments of understated poignancy. This seems just right for Auron, and especially so for Auron in transition. Small things seem to leap out at him, just a little, but overall he (you) maintains an air of detachment, of looking before and behind. You stay in character as you write for from his perspective, with no random and unnecessary POV shifts. There were a few very minor stumbling blocks, which I note in my specific complaints below.
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Could Use Fixin' (Not-So-Good Stuff)
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*
Here, there were no summoners to send the dead to their rests on the Farplane, there was no desperate hope that the loved one not become fiends. There was only grief: grief at the loss of a life, a life that was ended much too soon through her own grief, a never-ending, vicious cycle that eventually claimed all it could touch.
*
Technical errors in the first sentence: you use "the dead" as a plural noun, but later refer to a singular "loved one," then again to plural "fiends." These read like grammatical errors to me -=- if you did mean them to be as they as (for example, if summoners normally send multiple dead, but at this function are escorting just the one, who might split into multiple fiends) then this needs to be stated more clearly. Also, I am not sure that "rests" should be plural -=- "send the dead to their rest" seems more natural.
In the second sentence, I know you want to emphasize grief, but you used the word three times in one sentence. It's a little jarring.
I do like the conclusion of this excerpt, though, and I like the way you used this bit to establish contrasts between Auron's Spira and the Zanarkand he has found himself in.
-=-
*
A month lost, a month in which the child could have gone anywhere, the wife could have left the city, but it had been necessary. But he’d been too late for her.
*
M, I'm not sure Auron would lose track of them so completely as to let either of those things happen. You make it sound as if Auron spent that entire month holed up in his apartment learning the local lingo without bothering to keep an eye on Tidus or his mother. I'm not sure if that's what you meant. I can understand him waiting to make contact until he looks and acts like he belongs in Zanarkand, but I can't see him being wholly absorbed by the adaptation. That rather bumped me out of the generally good Auron-ness of the narrative.
Also, you use "but" to begin the last sentence here as well as the next sentence in the following paragraph. My English teachers would lynch me for saying so, but I don't take issue with beginning your sentence with a conjunction -=- rather, it's awkward to use the same one twice in a row. Try "however" or "yet," perhaps?
-=-
*
There was a small garden through a pair of large glass doors; not much of a garden, just a few potted trees and bushes with some smooth pebbles pushed around their bases.
*
Repetitive use of the word "garden." It's a slightly unusual word that's pretty noticeable when used twice in quick succession. Perhaps substitute "yard" for one of the uses, or change it to something along the lines of "There was a small garden through a pair of glass doors; not much of one, just a few…" Pardon the uninspiring example, but I hope you get what I mean.
-=-
*
The glimpse of his face that was visible through the door’s glass [...] He would never be as powerfully built as his father, but it would look wrong on his frame. [...] those blue eyes were trained at the ground, and it was impossible to mistake the expression of barely-suppressed, quiet rage that was nearly burning a hole in the ground near his feet.
*
Mostly little things here, don't worry. Starting with "door's glass" -=- wasn't there a pair of doors? Next, the phrasing of the second sentence I quoted is a little awkward. I understand what you are trying to say -=- if Tidus ever became as powerfully built as Jecht was, it would look strange on his frame, but it did not seem to Auron that the boy would develop that way anyway. It's the "but" that throws me off, I think, combined with the "never" -=- together they seem like almost-but-not-quite a double negative.
Try maybe "never be like his father, and it would have look wrong on his frame anyway" or something like that. Do you see what I'm getting at? Finally is the old repetitive word use saw, this time with ground. Maybe substitute a direction ("downwards," perhaps) or a description ("on the steps under him," for example). The trick would be to keep the sentence from getting too convoluted, as it's already a little on the long side (but not overly so!).
-=-
*
“And how’d you get that scar?”
*
M, somehow that "and" seems out of place there. From what I know of children, they just ask their questions in succession, without bothering to string them together with conjunctions. That, or they're all said in one breath or sentence with many "and"s and "but"s. Generally, though, it seems to be one or the other -=- all together with lots of conjunctions, or abrupt, discrete (as in, in discrete parts), and sequential with no conjunctions.
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Who's To Say? (Subjective, or a Little of Both)
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*
It wasn’t at all like funerals in Spira.
*
I like this opening. It's a good way of setting the place (not-in-Spira) and time (after a death), without being too specific, thus making the reader curious about what's going on. However, it takes a little while, through the next paragraph or two, to catch on to the fact that Auron is the POV character, which some (like me) might find a little unsettling. I like to know who it is that's "talking" to me. On the other hand, and by the same token, I like the gradual introduction of Auron's voice, rather than the usual method of "So and so and narration and Auron thought it was all silly." So, I'm a little on the fence about this. I like your hook, I like how you don't shove Auron's narrative in the reader's face, but my personal preference is to establish the POV a little sooner.
-=-
*
He hadn’t even heard a whisper of Bevelle, his homeland [...] The machina frightened him at first [...]
*
Let me first say that I like how you consider the practicalities of Auron adapting himself to Zanarkand. That's good, and realistic -=- take as example how culture-shocked Tidus was, and the way some writers just plop Auron down in Zanarkand seems a mite iffy. My only minor niggle with the specifics of this process is the use of "sunglasses," or perhaps of the quotation marks around them. I can see two reasons to use quotes there -=- either Auron is unfamiliar with sunglasses because they don't exist in Spira (unlikely, I think) or the sunglasses aren't really sunglasses. He might not use them for their intended purpose, but they're still sunglasses, and the quote marks threw me a bit. Totally minor, though!
The (only slightly) more major thing is this: You state that Bevelle is his homeland, and yet you say that Zanarkand's machina frightened him. This isn't entirely *un*plausible, as Zanarkand has so many, in much greater numbers and complexity than Auron would be used to. However, if he is from Bevelle, where machina are used more than anywhere else on Spira (excepting where Al Bhed happen to be), he would probably be more used to it than most. In addition, he is likely to be better acquainted with Al Bhed, and hence machina, than the average Spiran for two reasons: Braska was married to an Al Bhed, and Auron was his close friend; and Auron was a guardian on Braska's pilgrimage. He was likely to encounter AL Bhed and machina anyway, but with Braska's extra spark of understanding and sympathy, he would also be much less frightened of them and their ways than most. So, considering his past and the origin you assigned him, I think outright fearfulness on Auron's part regarding machina might be a little inappropriate. This might be fixed with a few simple changes in word choice. You might also consider changing where you say he's from, since I don't think canon gives him a stated birthplace.
-=-
*
Someone, a neighbor perhaps, had managed to stuff the boy into clothes that were clearly uncomfortable and hard to move in, and he nearly overbalanced as he quickly raised an arm [...]
*
I like the bit about the neighbor and the clothes; it rings true and it both a little funny and a lot sad. However, I really must wonder at what kind of getup they'd have stuffed the poor kid into if a quick turn will nearly overbalance him. Tidus might not be a star blitzball player (yet), but I doubt he's uncoordinated, and clothes don't weigh enough to overbalance someone like that. He might have nearly tripped on a too-long hem, or found it awkward to move quickly in formal attire, though.
-=-
*
There were any number of things that could happen to Tidus now, [...] despite the fact that it would mean control of Jecht’s sizable bank account. The most likely outcome [...] anything anyone wanted to hope for, either.
*
I like the point about Jecht's bank account, which is something I've never seen considered before. So I'm glad you mentioned it. However, it might also be a little problematic, as Jecht was a *big* star and that's likely to be a *lot* of money. Also, this touches on a little bit of worldbuilding and backstory -=- is there no kind of welfare system in a city as developed and civilized as Zanarkand? However, starting down that path could lead to being quagmired in little details, which could easily overwhelm a story like this. The tone and purpose of this story don't seem suited to discussing the social structure of Zanarkand.
Here, I am unsure of what to suggest. I want to say, gloss it over entirely (which might mean eliminating most references to it), but I don't like ignoring obstacles like that and you lose a few little details that add essential touches of realism. However, neither do I want to hear about all the paperwork Auron would have to sign in a technologically advanced society like that. Instead, I'll just bring the issue to your attention for future consideration. Sorry!
-=-
*
Tidus couldn’t see them, couldn’t see the scars on his own heart. It was doubtful anyone could but him; it would have been impossible for him to see them without Jecht [...] hurt them both a little more, and Jecht’s scars had only begun to heal on his journey.
There was no telling how long it would take Tidus’s to heal.
*
Oh, oh, I hate to put this in the "iffy" section when there are so many good things about it! And yet, I need to draw attention to a few little things here, if only because this all-essential part should be polished till it shines as it rightly should. So...
The wording in the first sentence is a little iffy -=- the antecedent of "them" is unclear until the second half of the sentence, which is a little awkward and caused me to stumble. Perhaps some kind of segue from the fights Tidus mentions to the fights Auron thinks on later in the same paragraphs, something along the lines of "[Tidus mentions being in fights but not having scars] Tidus couldn't see which fights had really hurt him deepest, couldn't see the scars on his own heart. [Yadda yadda, Auron mentions Jecht's fights with Tidus.]"
I *do* like the middle of this paragraph, where Jecht teaches Auron to see the hidden scars. Auron's rather stubborn and single-minded in his earliest canon appearances, and it seems strangely appropriate that Jecht would teach him that, among other things. I might even wish you'd emphasized this aspect more, as I like the idea so much!
But, finally, we have the old repetitive word use business, this time with "heal." I'd suggest substituting in "fade" for the first occurrence, regarding Jecht's scars.
Oh, and I forget if this is optional (dammit, I left my Elements of Style in my apartment across the country), but I think it might be Tidus' instead of Tidus's. I seem to recall it being optional, but my gut tells me to use the first.
-=-
*
Then, suddenly, from inside, came a slow, tentative, yet clear voice, beginning the hymn. The Hymn of the Fayth [...]
*
If I recall correctly, before Bevelle destroyed Zanarkand the Hymn of the Fayth, was sung by the people of Zanarkand in defiance of Bevelle. Since some people continued to sing it for this reason after Zanarkand fell, the Yevonites first proscribed it, then later adopted it as part of their rites. Either way, its use in religious observances seems entirely rooted in the religion of Yevon, which was not observed in Zanarkand. However, the song does have a very solemn feel to it, and the Zanarkand Tidus was born to had existed in isolation for one thousand years already (since Tidus did not actually travel through time but just went from wherever dream-Zanarkand is to Spira), so I guess it is not entirely unreasonable for its use to have changed. In fact, I'm not sure if Bevelle ever existed in the world of dream-Zanarkand, so who knows.
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Right On, Man! (Good Stuff)
-=-
*
She lay inside, [...] he’d heard about so often, but her expression one of ultimate peace. She’d left this world convinced she would rejoin the one person she couldn’t live without.
She had no idea how wrong she’d been, how long it would take her to find him.
But that wasn’t a truth for now, [...] too astonishing to be believed unless one had actually lived it, and died in the living.
*
I like all of this. In the first bit, I like how you have obliquely referenced Jecht without being overbearing about it. I've seen Jecht's frequent references to his family handled quite poorly; this isn't one of those times.
Another thing I really like here is how you frame Jecht's wife's (I don't think she had a name, and I'm blanking on it if she did) death, reminiscent of Tidus' lovebird analogy. This is a very neat concept, and a tragic one -=- the wife dying, thinking she'd soon join her husband, while her husband yet lived, and as a monster. I'm a sucker for tragedy, especially understated tragedy, and you hooked me with this little nugget.
And, finally, is something that might be more of a personal association, but I wanted to point out one more thing I like here. I don't know If you meant to do so, but you managed to explain a good deal of how Auron acts during the time we know him when you say that his tale must be lived to be believed. My mind immediately jumped to his reticence during Tidus' journey, and that connection just *clicked* for me as part of the reason Auron makes Tidus, Yuna, and all the rest live through the hard truths he knows for themselves.
-=-
*
To fulfill his promise to a friend he hadn’t wanted and would have died to save. The least he could do now was save his son from the same fate as his wife.
*
Nice. I like this. The first sentence is a great summary of Auron's relationship with Jecht from beginning to end, and the second is nicely seasoned with that particular Auron-ish sense of guilt and responsibility without wallowing in either. Well done.
-=-
*
“What’s it to you?” was the immediate response, and he barely managed to suppress a sigh. This was his son, all right.
*
Very nice and appropriate mental note from Auron! Tidus might not normally be so rude, but he's young yet, and he's at his mother's funeral, so it's not unreasonable given the circumstances.
-=-
*
“What about him?” he practically spat, his voice even harsher than before. Jecht had been right about that, as well; there was no love lost between the two.
And now Jecht would never be able to make it right. It was up to him. He nodded to the step where Tidus had been sitting moments before, letting the boy become accustomed to him much as he’d let the city get to know him, by waiting until the proper moment to step in. “May I sit?”
*
I like Tidus' reaction, and I *especially* like how you compare Auron's assimilation into Zanarkand to Tidus becoming accustomed to Auron.
-=-
*
“I’m sorry about your mother,” he began.
[...]
“Yeah, well, he’s not here.”
“He spoke of you, as well.”
[...]
“I don’t wanna talk about him. And I don’t wanna hear about him.”
*
I really like this part of the conversation. All of it reads very naturally, and both Tidus and Auron seem very in character. I already talked about Tidus' hostility, but I enjoyed this part very much despite that minor and perhaps unjustified niggle.
-=-
*
Even with the sunglasses, it was still visible, [...] talking to a seven-year-old in a makeshift garden a thousand years before he’d been born. His own personal guarantee to Tidus to fulfill his promise.
“I was in a fight.”
Tidus didn’t need to know everything, after all.
*
Yes. I love this part. I like what you do with Aurons' scar, and I especially like the incongruity that you bring to the forefront. Auron's answer is appropriately terse, and the thought afterward is fitting. Well done.
-=-
*
Tidus scrubbed at his eyes again quickly, almost furtively, as if he were ashamed [...] if only because Jecht had made him so. [...] “What’s your name?”
It was sad, how this child was willing to go with a perfect stranger, rather than anyone he knew. But it was a new start.
For both of them.
“Auron.”
Tidus kept his eyes on his face for a moment, and then nodded. “I’ll go with you, Auron.”
*
It feels nice that I could put the end of this story in this section. Yay! First of all, I really like the point you made about Tidus being ashamed because Jecht made him so -=- that's a nice touch. You also imply that Tidus has formed few of the attachments normal to children his age, which might be a little unrealistic normally, but fits with what we've seen of him as a child in canon. So, in the end, I actually like how you tie this together in the part about him going with a total stranger.
Finally, I'm a big sucker for endings that are beginnings, and this is one if I ever saw it. So, we end on a happy note!
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Again, I apologize for the length, but I wanted to be thorough. If you have any questions or other concerns, please email me and I will answer them as best as I can.
Thank you for writing this story! I enjoyed it. |
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