please write

in response to your stating of liked pairings...GAH!
You ruin all my fun.
Oh my, though, well written, well played, AWESOME!
Everything's so well done! I love the story!

ouch!! it made me cry allot!! i really want them to be paired up.. i'm not getting angry at you... but.. can u just update it and make a happy ending... i don't want 2 see natsume lyk dat.. heartbroken, sad, etc... sob!!

I don't understand a word that you typed in here.

Interesting story so far I like. poor Natsume lol! I wonder what hoteru and Ruka are up to hum. update soon

cont. chapter 3 review Naputol?
"Do you think..." not past tense
I think this should be "Did you think..."
because you stated...
"...if I knew about it?" this is past tense
*nods -_-*

Another...
At that moment, he finally realized why her eyes were glistening so much.

To realize something one must know of it first. I re-read the whole thing (again) and I didn't find any indication that Natsume noticed her "glistening eyes" before finally realizing why they were "glistening."

Another...

“Of course he was there (hiccup), because he’s the one I married!”

"(hiccup)" should be changed.

Another...

A raised eyebrow.

Err... I used this in my essay and I asked our neighbor, who is a University teacher for Grammar. She said, "You only use this for poems and such." My heart was shattered into tiny microscopic pieces.

Another...

Even a fool would know that Natsume wouldn’t be happy if he finds out. ….. err... present tense.

Found out. Not unless this is part of the plot. (^_^0)

ILOVEYOU DON'T HATEME

The plot I think is that Hotaru is making Miakan act, so that she could find Data about his feelings or something. Makan was probably bribed using that cotton candy food thing.

Ah, my favorite lines... for this Chapter...

Warm chocolate orbs simultaneously mirrored contrition and a flare of anger as they met heated ruby ones.

I LOVE your use of words, very poetic and dramatic. AH EMO-NESS is LOVE

Her lips once again curved into a smile as she softly whispered in his ear:

“That’s not even the half of it…”

Maa, maa, Hotaru is starting to be... seductive... ;P
Teasing RUka like that. Heh.

Hn. Love the cliffy...
You are such a PERV. XD XD XD XD

Update soon! I love you! Don't kill me!
With everlasting sarcasm,
.H.P.I.A.L.

(P.S. Don't kill me! I know I was mean, but yeah. I'll give you a good review on the 4th chapter. I'll read it tomorrow =_= It's 10pm already *yawn*)

(P.S.S. My review is longer than your fic. bleh who cares anyway! ^_^)

Gomen if this sounds a bit...mean. I feel that I should criticize you this time. I feel the need to be cruel and supporting at the same time. *smirks*


This chapter isn't as good as the ones before.

I should have pointed this out to you the first time I read it.
The words you used were flowery, elegant in a way and they give a certain impact to the reader. However, I must insist that you make it longer. I am not satisfied with only 690 words. 690 words for me is kind of ficlet except it isn't 100 words. Even if you gave me two chapters to read, although I haven't read Chapter 4 yet, I am still hungry for more. I'm fine with the ending, it give you a sense of Bitin-ness. But I would recommend a 40 words chapter. I totally read those. I am the kind of reader that likes to read long. I like prolonging the ending. I love dissecting the hints you leave. But, there are fewer hints in a FIC if you don't make it long. I love guessing the ending or the plot for that matter. It makes me giddy to know that in a few words or paragraphs more I'll be finished reading your Chapter. But, how should I say this I was disappointed. I started reading and finished after four minutes and twenty-seven seconds, I was bored so I timed myself.

Hmm... I think your fans hate me now. ^__^ Well, that's their problem. Oi. I'm just doing what you said "Constructive criticism" Well, this is my version of it :D.
(I shall re-read your chapter to be able to "review" *snicker* correctly)

I would also like to point out a mistake.

This line...
“Natsume? Sigh. Why do you keep spacing out like that?” Mikan asked loudly

Should be changed to this one...
Sighing Makan asked loudly, "Natsume? Why do you keep spacing out like that?"

Another...

All of a sudden, the marble flooring became more interesting to look at. “Since when…?”

“What do you mean ‘since when’? You were spacing out just now!”

Between these lines a sentence should spear indicating the "spacing out" of Natsume. Something like...

A Deafening Silence reigned around the area where the two adults were talking.

or something.

It's not my Fic, it's just a suggestion.

Another...

Mikan proceeded with the narrative account of her wedding day.

I think the "the" should be an "a" because the "the" means that there was a narrative account of her wedding day, such as a newspaper article.
(Naks! Oi don't get angry with me! Mamaya you try Killing me at school! T_T wag naman you wanted a review eh!)

Another...
"It was such a beautiful summer day – the sun was up high but the trees acted as our umbrellas..."

The sun was up high but the trees acted as our umbrellas...
Why would they act as umbrellas? I know that it is "summer" and the day was sultry but you have to indicate that small detail. Small details are important especially when you're writing a por-kissing scene *coughs*.

Another...

“What are you talking about? Do you think I won’t go if I knew about it?”

"Do you think..."

Hey! That was good! Your writing skills are superb! I love your story especially because Tsubasa is part of the love triangle!! I'm getting more and more curious on what is going to happen! Update soon!

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? HOW COULD YOU BETRAY NATSUME LIKE THAT? WHY THE HELL DID MIKAN END UP WITH TSUBASA. Not that I dont like him... NATSUMES SAPPOSE TO GET THE GIRL...please update soon

Nice! it looks lyk ur fic's better dan d original alice academy..ahaha...

*gasps*

i'm so into this!

please update soon!

i really realy like it!

love your fic!

hey could you please tell me whats going on?!im really mad about these just be sure its not OOC and mikan and natsume will end up together and place your answer in the next fiction and my name is Krystelle JA NE!

EGAD! BITIN!
That was good, your story soo far was dramatic. Question though, are you gonna bring back the people who were chasing Natsume in the beginning? I hope so, because, if you don't isn't it pretty useless having that there. Well... anyways, I'm sure you've concocted some devious plan to intertwine them into the story. im saying devious, because (wah!) Tsubasa and Mikan married? My first reaction was 'WTF?!', lol! don't worry, I'm not gonna flame ya, I was just suprised, you could have invented some other character like. but heck, that's part of your ingenious way of suprising readers, ne.
Overall I like your structuring, although it need improvement, ive noted that some paragraphs need tweaking because they did not make any sense. but overall, its all good, there's more room for improvement and you're on your way there.

Just a thing, I didn't understand this: "Very carefully, Natsume considered her proposal. If he said yes, then his most troubling question would finally be answered."
What do you mean by that paragraph?
Also, I think you shouldn't use the word 'protagonist', even though quite obviously she is. I think the word 'protagonist' is most appropriately used mostly in essays or just describing the hero of a book. using it to describe your heroine, no offence, makes it sound kinda cheap. this is because, quite obviously, readers are already aware that she is - i don't think we need drilling on that. as i said, that word is mostly appropriately used mostly in essays and describing the lead in a book or a play. i don't think it fits in well in a fiction or novel. and anyways, i think if you don't use that, it makes your story more professional like. anyways, thats my constructive criticism.

and, although it took second re-reading, this is perhaps my favourite line:
"Warm chocolate orbs simultaneously mirrored contrition and a flare of anger as they met heated ruby ones."

oh, suspense is killing me, please update soon :)

naw it wasnt that ooc at all..i think it was just right..but please tell me that its really a NxM..hehe
tnx for the two chapters, i loved both of them!!