You also might want to reconsider the eagerness displayed by Aximili to fall for this strange girl... In my opinion, that is quite out of character. Where are his reservations, his doubts, his slight arrogance? What is is that attracts him to her? Try to shed more light on those matters and I'll be with you all the way :)

Great fic, really got me hooked there! Please, drop what you're doing and UPDATE!

Kinda agree on the comment that her parents' reaction isn't that realistic, but still I think it's a great fanfic.

"(I had this rotating feeling in my abdomen. I thought I was feeling ill again,) said Ax."

I love this line!

"“Unbelievable! I thought you said humans weren’t attractive,” Jake nearly shouted with a laugh."

Hmm. I'm unsure if Ax ever said this. He did mention in one of the books that when he was in human morph, he found Rachel quite attractive.

During that entire conversation, I would have liked something of Cassie in there. For one thing, she's super nice so she wouldn't have liked Marco calling Kimberly an oddball. She also likes to think the best of people so she would have defended Kimberly.

I think it is a HUGE du ex machina that Kimberly's parents would arrive at that point looking for her. They wouldn't just randomly ask a teenager whether the teen knew their daughter. I bet there is more than one school in the vicinity. I also think that your characterisations of her parents are a bit off.

"“How can I NOT worry?! My little Kimmy hasn’t come home since yesterday!”"

That doesn't seem that realistic. I mean, yes, her parents would be worried but shouldn't they go to the police? File a Missing Person's statement or whatever you do in the US?

"“Oh no! Don’t tell me it was something we did to upset her!? OH GOD! I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT MADE HER RUN AWAY!” Kimberly’s mom yelled."

That's even more improbable unless her mother has some serious control issues. I know you added in the next paragraph that the mother over-reacts a little bit but, still, it doesn't read right to me.

I really think they would have done the normal parental thing and called the school and then filed a Missing Person's statement instead of randomly driving away to Cassie's farm which is a good half hour bike ride away.

I think it's a really intriguing idea, however, I think you need to find some other way to get the info about her parents being worried and her being missing to us. Maybe a Missing Person's poster or something? Cassie could see it in town and then go and ring her parents pretending to be a concerned friend. She could hear quiet sobbing from the mother in the background?

Anyway, I'll get around to the other chapters soon! :) It's a bit late right now and I should sleep

"My name is Kimberly now and this is my story from the day I lived in this city to the day I died. I will tell you about me and how I was involved in this cluster of events."

I have no idea if you meant for this to be a Doctor Who reference, but it reminds me of what Rose said at the end of season 2. :)

"averagely thin"

I'm not sure Ax would use that description. He might say that she was built along the lines of (for example) Rachel, but shorter. If you want to use that description then say something like "and according to a book Marco gave me on human physiology, she seemed to be of average weight."

"I

wondered if this was another human custom so I did what she told me. I closed my eyes."

You might want to fix that. :) It seems the formatting was a bit screwed up.

I'm not sure Ax would seem to like her so quickly. Or if he does feel a human physical reaction, I can see the arrogant Andalite side of him being disgusted. We're human after all, and below him. Tobias might be a shorm but he doesn't consider the rest of us particularly worthy. I can see him walking away immediately if he felt those emotions.

"“Let’s just say I’m running away from something,” was her answer. She turned back to the backpack."

You need some sort of dialogue tag in there such as "she said" or something. You can't just have "was her answer" as the dialogue tag.

Have you ever read Harry Potter? I'd imagine Kimberly almost like Luna Lovegood. Perhaps if you sort of semi-based her on Luna it would work well because currently she seems a bit like a hippy and not so much like an oddball.

I think this chapter could do with a little bit more of an Andalite flavour. Ax needs to be more arrogant. Perhaps Kimberly could just brush off the arrogance and laugh and Ax could comment on how she's different or something.

Sorry for taking so long to get around to reading this! RL has been a bit annoying in the past couple of weeks. Keep in mind that I'm kind of putting on my critical!beta hat with these comments. :)

I have to admit, I'm not fond of beginnings like this. Rain beating on a person's face is kind of like beginning with "it was a cold, dark night." It's very cliched. Also the sentence: "It pours down heavily" is unnecessary. It's obviously already from the previous description. This is a personal thing but I don't like overly descriptive things, however, from the first sentence I can already tell that the person is a military person by the metaphor, which is good!

I think there are too many ellipses in this chapter. They really should be used very, very sparingly.

"long before my childhood was rob from me." --> should be robbed

I think it's intriguing, but it needs a bit more polishing. You use repetition really well in some parts of this, and I really like how the rain metaphor ties in at the beginning and end.

be warned:
/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MagicalNativeAmerican
I like the raccoon thing, though Ax falling in love is improbable.

prophetic dreams?

Very good.

Oh my god that was so cool but what's going to happen next will Ax confess his feeling and true self to kim. Will jake tell everyone about Elias and what's wrong with kim. Oh and will she ever get her wounds treated.

Update more chapters I want to know what happens, where's kimberly do they find her

Been a long time since I first checked this fanfic out. Other than some grammar and spelling errors here and there on each chapter, this story just ROCKS. Holy cow. I hope this story isn't discontinued. Oh, and good luck on publishing your own original stuff! :D

i love this story please rite the next chp and somebody needs to make a halo and animophs xover now that would be cool

So, as I go to my email to check if I've received any alerts I see a story that I don't remember. I click on it, remember what it is, and then go back to my email to see what other stories have been updated. Seeing your story, I click on it and scroll down to the end just to see who one. Never. EVER. Expecting to see my name. But I've only read the part about who won and what the right answer was, and I'll write about how excited I am when I get to that part. So for now I'll read the chapter. And... as I finish writing this, I've noticed that it is quite long. Be prepared.

Reading Elias's monologue, I wondered if Elias knew who Kimberly is. But of course she knows... At least, I think so. And her action so far have shown that she does know. So, does she know what Kimberly will choose? Or is there a possibility that Kimberly might have a different choice... But wait... Elias can morph, so that answers one question... Maybe. Because other things might have happened... (Forgive my strange way of reviewing. Usually I either wait until the end and forget what I want to say, or I kind of think out loud in my review.) (Also as I look over this, in this section at least I forgot to consider the fact that Elias is only one future that Kimberly might have had, and because Elias is here then the future will be changed in SOME way. But I'll leave this here anyway.)

Ah, I think this is a mistake.

"(Yes, I know! But this is seriously BAD weather! My wings can’t take this wind! We can find her once it clears up!)

(She is out there and so are the Yeerks! We must find her now!)

This was the first time I’ve ever seen Ax so worried over someone who isn’t at all one of his people. He only met Kimberly in a matter of days and he was already holding himself responsible for what happened to Kimberly.

I doubt anyone of us, even Kimberly, would want him to do that.

(Ax!) I called. He gazed at me with four very worried eyes. (...We’ll find her.)

He calmed down a little.

(Yes, Prince Ax.) He looked back into the rainy darkness."

Just the Prince Ax part. It should maybe be...Prince Jake?

“Which is the real mystery here. What the heck did she mean Kimberly was going the same direction?” -Just quoting from this chapter. Sometimes does Elias regret her life? Sometimes does she have doubts? Does she really want Kimberly to be that way?

Well, I'm assuming that Elias is from a different future. ...Or maybe I'm just hoping that's the case. Well, and as Elias just said, it looks like that will happen.

Hey, what I said about Elias regreting things has turned out to be somewhat right.

And now, I quote: "Marco: ((Frozen with shock from hearing the answer))"

...That describes my reaction pretty well. Not so much that Elias is Kimberly, but that... O.o I won. O.o It's like... Wow. I feel so happy. ~^.^~ So... I get to create a character. Ah! I wasn't even considering the fact that I might win! I need to get to work! So, yes, an email from me should be coming shortly. But maybe not today because I'm going to be gone for a while. And I shall think of ideas of a charcter until then.

This chapter(well, the author's note really) made me smile SO much. And the actual chapter... Both created and answered a lot of questions. I like reading Elias's thoughts on things. I'm surprised Elias hasn't become...really angry at Kimberly. Because Kimberly has a chance that Elias does not (or, if she does, Elias does see it) , a chance to make a happier future for herself.

that was good i really hope that you keep up and update very soon!
hebo estel,
estrid2006

I was actually thinking this as I read the story, not after I read about the contest, but I was thinking that Elias might be Kimberly. Or course, I was thinking that about the time when Elias first told them to leave and I've been doubting that idea after that. So, I really have no idea who Elias is, and I don't expect my answer to be right. Personally I think that Elias is not an Andalite, but has spent some time with them...

"The shot hit David’s arm as he tried to dodge. He screamed a bad word at her but it didn’t bother her one bit."

The "He screamed a bad word at her but it didn’t bother her one bit." part seemed... kind of childish sounding. I don't know, just kind of "Oh- So and So said a BAD word. So and So is gonna be PUNISHED" I'm really not sure how else to explain it... Sorry... D:

But I do look forward to the next chapter. ^.^ I hope the next month will fly by quickly until then. :D