Dear AngelUriel,

I like the idea you are having with your fanfiction, but there is a few things that I think that are hindering people from truly enjoying to get across. I know you wrote this a long time ago, so you're probably a more advanced writer now, but still, its good to have notes.

The major flaw I see with your writing is that you're rushing. Slow down... This story could be very emotional and tugging if you would just take time with your writing. I know this requires patience, believe me I know, but I'm working on it too. My earlier stuff is horrible, (and I still posted it HA!) but I have learned my mistakes and am trying to show my improvement in my more recent writings. For example, you begin with Albus right before he is killed, I think that you should draw it out, and even go as far as to make it into a prologue; it would create a dramatic atmosphere and leave readers interested in what the story you are about to spin for them. It would be a stronger beginning, I believe, to a potential good story.

Second thing: you jump around, a lot. Try to transition smoothly, and take your time describing the characters that way the readers can relate to them more and become more familiar with them.

Well, good luck, I haven't read your other works yet so I do apologize if this critic is harsh or unnecessary, I truly do not mean it to be. But, you do have some great ideas, and I look forward to what you have in mind for Albus.

Have fun and get crazy!

-Preseas88

ps. You might want to update since book 7 of HP came out: Albus' parents names: Percival and Kendra. Albus also has a little sister, Ariana. Best of luck!