Cute... that Kini girl was creepy, though XD

WTF?

plz update soon!

lolz this is cute. but you have some spelling wrong.

i love this, its funny, is there any chance you will continue this? please

A little rough but I am not going ot jump you for it.I think it is very cute. Good job.

Not too bad, could use a bit of a brush up, though.

Your spelling is good, but you should work on your grammar a bit. Your missing a lot of commas, but nothing too serious. You also have some random capitalizations that occur from time to time.

The idea of your plot seemed decent enough. Could be more creative, but nobody's perfect. Although the way you move your plot could definitely be better. I would suggest not using Kini. Actually, I would HIGHLY suggest not using her. Her personality isn't very well written, and she tends to act in ways that almost seem unreal, despite the fact that she is an OC. Every thing that she has done so far has been the bases of which the pairing is created.

Also, you've got some MAJOR plot holes. Mugen and Jin would be able to kick Koji AND Kini's ass before they even had the chance to breath the same air as Fuu. And Fuu isn't week; she wouldn't let a 13 year old hurt her that easily. Oh, and what were Jin and Mugen doing while Fuu was fighting with Kini? Plot hole alert.

Instead of using '-later that day-', I would suggest simply using it in a paragraph. For instance, 'Later that day, Fuu awoke blah blah blah'. But please don't do this too often. The readers usually don't care what time it is.

Oh, yeah, and AVOID AUTHORS NOTES. You have a bunch of them in the story, and it can get irritating.

Another thing I noticed was your lack of actual paragraphs. They were fairly small and simple, and used little description and very basic word choice. Try to make things 'bigger'. Bigger sentences. Bigger paragraphs. Bigger descriptions. And a bigger vocabulary. Instead of saying 'When Fuu woke up', try saying 'Once Fuu awoke'. It has the same concept, just with better word choice.

Ah, back to the plot hole issue. The first paragraph confuses me greatly. Obviously, you've never had sex, because if she was a virgin he would KNOW. I won't go into the details, considering your probably only around the age of twelve. By the way, the word 'virgin' is not capitalized.

So basically, your fanfiction could use a rewrite. Obviously your not too good at this sort of thing, so I would suggest just hiring a beta.

(By the way, I should probably tell you that this isn't a flame. Although I am I flamer, this is merely constructive criticism.)

From,

Fr0g

Please write more! Very good!

Your plot was a litle rough and so is your grammer, but the story is still as original as ever. Interesting that Fuu lost her memory now... can't wait for more!

It's a little hard to follow. It doesn't make sense in some parts. It seems to be in bits and pieces... Umm, not good...

Oh yeah: :) :) That could help you some :) :)

i love your fic and im adding you to my faves list. update soon.

i love it! good job. you made jin feel so jealous, that was the best part.

Oi! I want to read more! This is really good! Keep it up! _

WOAH! What the heck? That was weird! C'mon, it was getting so good and then Mug had to go and loose his memories! (loud scream of annoyance) But anyway, your stuff keeps getting original with every chapter and your writing has improved once again. Great job and keep up the good work.

Update soon )