 ScareGlow 2006-10-26 . chapter 1Excellent! :) Very believable, very true to the series and the characters, and well-written. Wonderful moments (Kim under the table, Ron&Barkin, Tara, and more), too, so I can't find anything to complain about. Mr. Dr. P might have been a little too harsh, but that's pretty much the only thing.
Kim's new-found ferocity in defending Ron in the locker room was quite a nice development imo, and about time, too. *g* This makes this fic one of the few where Kim actually deserves Ron (at least at the end) imo. Great work! :) |
 WWLAOS 2006-07-08 . chapter 1Hrm...this little piece of yours leaves me in a state of mild confusion. See, I like it. A lot. But then again, I don't. It is a very difficult state in which to exist...and nearly impossible for me to describe, apparently.
Well, first thing's first: I am overjoyed that you have blessed us with another piece of fanfiction. But, well...now that the first thing is out of the way, it leaves a jumble of other things (which, sadly, are not neatly-ordered) that I don't know exactly how to express. Let's try this section-by-section.
The first part of this story was brilliant. I totally didn't get the whole "break-up pool" thing at first (I thought a tri-city wide plastering of pamphlets beneath windshield wipers was the more-likely route), but the first section does a wonderful job of setting up the story. Superb monologue. Absolutely superb. I also love the whole premise of the story. Jealous Bonnie makes Kim's life miserable; it's a totally-believable plot line, if not unexpected.
The next scene at Bueno Nacho is also very good. You set up the atmosphere perfectly. Ron acted exactly like he should have. The emotions felt real. Believable. The dialogue was great. I still have no clue what Kim meant by "PDA," but in the end I guess that doesn't matter. It was an enjoyable section that pushed across several key points for the upcoming roller coaster ride.
The opening of the next scene was excellent, especially Ron's collision and subsequent "conversation" with Mr. Barkin (I've always liked Barkin...). The locker scene is the perfect set-up both to re-focus the mood and to reveal Bon-Bon's sinister plot. Kim and Ron's individual reactions to the offending item were both totally in-character and worked themselves into the story well. The end of the scene...Kim's inevitable reversion to her old standby of "ignore Ron except when it suits your needs and doesn't get in the way of your social life" (which I have always hated about her) and subsequent snubbing of Ron's affections, as well as Ron being his supportive and comforting self...were beautifully scripted. It's probably the single most "canon" moment in the piece (in my opinion), and I love it.
The cafeteria scene was hilarious in some parts and heart-wrenching in others...classic Cyberwraith Nine awesomeness. Monique's setting of the date at 10/10/2053 is kinda morbid, actually...but in a funny sort of way. Her continued ability to perfectly read and predict Kim actually didn't disgust me like it usually does. You managed to work it into the story perfectly and keep it from getting overbearing. Kim's cowering beneath the table was decent enough. It lead to a funny bit of pinching and kicking, which I can always appreciate. Far more importantly, it let Kim know how Ron was feeling without him actually having to tell her...so that was a good thing. Of course, I completely agree with Ron's assessment of Kim's need for social acceptance.
The opening locker room scene was very good. The banter was spot-on and the descriptions of both emotion and imagery were perfect. Then came Tara. I’ve always loved Tara. She's such a sweet girl...and most people don't realize that she's the true hero of the Kim Possible universe. She's the one who saved Kim from the evil grasp of Mankey. Which, coincidentally, also simultaneously made Kim available to receive Ron's affections AND forced Kim to once again pay attention to the Ron-man. Seriously, Tara rocks. Her short appearance in this fic not only was perfect, but also very appropriate. Thanks for having her show up.
Anywho, then we go back to the locker room...and all heck breaks loose. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for Bonnie getting put in her place. And the LAST thing I ever want to see is Kim and Bonnie becoming friends...or even just non-rivals. This scene, though, stretched believability just a bit too much for me. Trust me, I know well the horror of female wrath unleashed, and I know that what Kim showed was but a tiny fraction of it. Still, the scene just didn't feel right to me. It was too over-the-top. Too forced. It wasn't "bad" from a technical standpoint, but it broke the flow of the story and turned Kim into a cheap knock-off of Shego.
Ron's entrance into the locker room was, as intended, a swift change-of-pace from just a sentence or two prior. It worked very well and I like how it ended, but I really think the Kim-ster should have shuffled Ron out of the locker room before locking lips. I can totally appreciate the impact of kissing him right in front of Bonnie, though. Once again, you do a terrific job of conveying emotion of all kinds, especially self-doubt. One would almost think that you have doubted yourself at some point. Not possible, I know. ;)
The ending scene...well, it was sugarier (is that a word?) than the M&M's I'm eating right now. It was very cute, though, and I like it. It was a good ending to the story and I absolutely loved the boutonniere. Great idea.
So, yeah...from reading that, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Wait, I thought he said he didn't like it, but pretty much all he did was praise the story. What's up with that?" Yeah, I know...I'm wondering about that myself. See, it's weird...it's like...as I was reading a little voice in my head was going, "Wow, this is gonna be so cool!"
"So perfect...I love this story!"
"That was awesome, I love this story."
"That was a perfect portrayal of the characters, I love this story!"
"Wow...that's a bit overkill...but I still love this story. Go Tara!"
"Aww, that was so sweet! I love this story."
...and then the story ended and I said, "You know, I didn't really like it."
It's very confusing. I absolutely loved reading this piece. I enjoyed every minute of it. And yet...in the end I felt very underwhelmed. I'm not sure why. I guess it just feels like the story is missing something. The individual sections are terrific, but the pieces don't seem to be held together by...anything, really. It just didn't pull me in...didn't make me care. I wish I could give you more, but I honestly don't know what else to say. Sorry. I do look forward to your next venture, though. Statistically speaking, you had to eventually write SOMETHING I didn't like. Well, I suppose this is it. You still rock 97% of the time...and that ain't bad. Go you! |