   AutumnBreeze12
2007-06-17 . chapter 1Okay. I'm reviewing your story now. And yes, I do read Saiyuki (and watch the anime), so I know what this is.
Including Japanese in your story can be fun for the reader. I know this because I know a whole ton of Japanese from it. However, if you include too much Japanese it becomes confusing. The reader might get the words mixed up, or you could have a reader who doesn't know any Japanese. You would REALLY confuse that person, then. I would suggest toning it down a bit on the Japanese--most of the Japanese in there is fine, but I suggest getting rid of some of it.
Sanzo, for some reason, struck me as a bit out of character. It's been a while since I've read any Saiyuki fanfiction, or even watched/read Saiyuki, so I can't be a perfect judge for this. But I still think he was slightly out of character, and you didn't put enough of him in the story.
Goku was well done in this. While Goku doesn't think often, I would assume when he does it would be something like this. Good job on that!
There seemed to be a lot of dialogue and not much details or description. In this story, it's okay, because it fits. But you have to make sure for any other stories that you include more detail.
This story was a pretty good story, which is why I don't have a lot of criticism for it. Tell me if you still want me to read any of your other stories! |
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