What a great story! In my mind, there is nothing better than a fantasy world with swords and dragons and magic for my favorite senshi. Thank you for your imagination and your effort!
Wow, I enjoyed this a lot. I absolutely loved the setting and the story. I do agree that we could've had some more time with Eolh and Jara, but it's not a big deal. Each awakening of a Crystal Point fitted. I agree the characters came out quite well, I think you did a great job on them.
*Phew* That was a good story. [Adds to 'favorites' list.] Now for a blow-by-blow review, taken in whatever order I feel like.
General remarks: 3/4 the story read like a traditional adventure story with nice environmental descriptions, sentence mechanics, word use, etc.
The last two chapters got really poetic and metaphorical, - made it pretty to read, yah, but also hard to understand what was actually happening. Add to this the lack of line breaks, and you get an even more unreadable jumble.
Abrupt scene changes throughout the story also added to this. Consider adding an extra line break or something to signify a change in setting.
Sailor soldiers character development:
Ami: was undoubtedly the main character in this fic. Most of the thinking was from her, and she even got more than one entire section all to herself. She's analytical and cool, but you didn't really move her away from her archetype (the 'smart' one). She did break out of her shell acting as Usagi that one time, but she didn't really take that experience forwards and incorporate it into her every day personality, which I would have liked.
Mako: Fiercely loyal and incredible brave- Invincible and headstrong, nothing could stop her- not even the main guy villain. Makoto also, unfortunately, had the character development of a rock. Her romance with Balam[the most boring of all the characters] was nice, I guess, but cut short and not fleshed out. 'Thunder-lady' made me smile, though.
Rei: Besides the volcano 'I'm not afraid of anything' bit, Rei was a major tag-along. I thought she had a good thing going with the thief, but the thief was written out of the story before Rei could interact with that character in too many interesting ways. Were Rei not in the story- I'm not really sure what would have even been different, plot-wise, or in any other way, to be honest.
Mina: Loud and immature, the warrior; but oddly incompetent in your interpretation of her prowess (I'm thinking of all the many times she gets tossed about by various adversaries). Mina got a back seat in the story;, not particularly driving anything.
Also, there was that one time when she totally skewered a silver-eyed warrior (not a demon) through the heart, and didn't even bat an eyelash- what's with that?
I thought there was a lot more potential for Mina to interact with Rory-hime to cause many more shenanigans. You sort of hinted that Mina and Rory were similar in character, but that didn't get sufficiently explored. Incidentally, Mina is my favorite SM character, so any time she isn't in the spotlight is a scene not living up to it's maximum potential ;)
SM character summery: I take back what I said earlier; there are too many OC's, and not enough SM character 'screen time'. BTW, I applaud your decision to write a fic w/o Usagi or the others. It's nice to focus on just a few characters every now and again.
Other characters:
Main bad girl/fairy: mysterious and... um...and...well- that's all there is, really. Does she even fight? What happens to her? Is her fate supposed to be ambiguous? Why is she evil?
Main bad guy: I thought this character had a lot more potential. His confidant and analytical character intrigued me. Too bad you killed him off relatively early.
Priestess in training w/ bird and village girl that can heal: extra characters that I neither liked or really thought necessary to the story.
Sky and Xhinxixexixe-whatever: same as above.
Rory-hime: I liked this character a lot and liked her development. As a matter of fact, she, and perhaps Ami, are the only ones who develop at all. [Actually, that's not true, Rei get's more fire powers, but that's it. It's also unclear whether their new found affinities transfer back to earth].
Everyone else: seemed OK, but not really worth mentioning.
Plot:
Getting zapped to other world: fine.
Find elemental dragons: sure why not?
Include themes of racial tolerance: OK, I can dig it.
Main cause of all the trouble is overbalance of 'shadow(?)' caused by industrialization and overpopulation: Umm, perhaps a little heavy handed?
Climatic conclusion: Eh? I'm not really sure what happened so I can't speak to this either way. [Shrugs].
Overall: I liked the story and put it on my favorite list, so good job making it that far. However, the lack of character development and unfocused character emphasis take away from this otherwise pristine work. Also a relatively short piece, which I was sad about. Besides that, good job and keep up the good work. Please write more SM fics soon. )
This story was posted a while ago, but it is still good. So far so good. I like the plot and character development as well as the skill demonstrated in your sentence level mechanics.
Despite creating a whole new world you're introduction of new charters has been done in very manageable way. I've seen semi-orriginal fics like this before that have so many original characters that I couldn't make heads or tails of who's who- not so in this fic.
I'll leave a more complete review once I've finished the story- but so far, it reads really great.
Ducks
WOW AWESOME STORY! you have totally have made a very awesome true great story ... i was hoping a bit more of the dragons in the end but it was still awesome LOVE IT!
Wow! This story was AMAZING! I totally loved it! It was new and fresh, and I didn't know what was going to happen next. I'm really sorry it's over now! *cries* I wish I could have come up with something like what you wrote! It should be made into a real story. I would totally buy it. Thanks so much for your story and I can't wait to read what other ideas you come up with next. The only thing I'm a bit sad about is the whole epic battle scene was a bit confusing. I would have loved to have seen that visually! Keep up the great work!
SMFan423 6/7/08 . chapter 11
Ah, it is a real shame that you will probably never read this, but this story was top-notch excellent. It felt like its own season of Sailor Moon...well without the moon part...but that adds to the story originality. Frankly it was probably want it so original was there wasn't an urge to go with the usual approach and formula of the anime seasons. You captured the character's perfectly, something that is rarely done with a significant degree of success. On top of this was great storytelling, intriguing new setting, fresh plot (about as original as can be expected), wonderful and unintrusive use of original characters, and perfect balance of quality and quantity. Add to this the fact that you wrote basically a novel in just a few months (or at least it was published in that length of time, which is really great for the readers not to be left hanging too long).
Anyway, little could be done to improve this (not of it content). I therefore give this 9.97/10.0.
PS I really hope you became a writer cause you have some serious talent. I'd almost go so far as to suggest that this be turned into a book, but copyright would be a major issue. Still you should publish a few novels based around this world of yours.
PS2 I read most all of this story in one day (prologue and chapter 1 I read yesterday)
Yes, this story is old, and yes, this review will be short. All the same, I couldn't let it go without reviewing even a little bit before moving on to the next story.
Your entire fanfiction was extremely well written, and many of the scenes were far better than I have read in many other fanfictions. The storyline was original, and the dragons and characters simply made everything even more fun for me to read.
Amazingly enough, I've managed to have a favorite chapter in this story. Episode 9. I was actually startled to realize, as I finished the reading the chapter, that the 'light of hope', as I've chosen to nickname it for the moment, affected me as well, though I was simply reading. I went upstairs for a short while, feeling the entire time that nothing could affect me, that everything was at peace and alright. I was quiet, not wanting the effect to end.
I thank you for that experience, and hope to see that your other fanfictions are as good a read as this one!
Wow. That was one of the greatest Fanfictions I've read. I love the fact that you used the inner senshi excluding Usagi. It's not that I don't like her but it's nice to see a fic that doesn't center around her. You did a wonderful job creating your own world and characters and integrated them all into the story very well. I loved it. :) Keep up your great work.
I just had to review and say I find it highly amusing that there are nine priestesses and the youngest one is the most powerful. Parallel to Sailor Saturn? .
Laura 4/27/03 . chapter 11
Wow! What a great story! You really have a talent for writing. The idea for using the dragons as the crystal points were brilliant. You are a really talented writer! _
This is a really nice story. I've read many of your other works(even if I haven't commented on them) and this one holds up to the same standard. Your characterizations of the Senshi are excellent, and it is a shame about Eohl and Jara barely being used. Jara meeting Minako gave at least a glimpse into Jara, but we hardly saw anything at all of Eohl. Your original characters add flavor without overwhelming the Inners, something most authors seem to have trouble with. I really liked the part that compared Emania to Earth. Kinda makes one wonder what the planet would be like had we gotten a wakeup call centuries ago instead of just within the past few decades. It would be interesting to revisit Emania in the future (Crystal Tokyo era Senshi go back for visit?) and see if they backslid or if they managed to learn the lesson. Keep up the great work!
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